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A week or so a go things got bad at home with the drinking and verbal abuse and it was really escalating. My partner of 10 years was saying he was leaving me 'when he gets some money' or 'when he gets his licence' back and so he was saying how bad things are (and how bad I am) and how it was over but wouldn't actually leave. In hindsight I wish I left but i didn't. I kept thinking I could manage his behaviour, the name calling etc and deal with it and it would pass somehow but eventually when he got physical I called the police and he has now been charged with domestic violence. It is not due in court for a month and we are not in contact and currently although I am sad I feel safe and relieved. But what now? I don't know what to do - I am trying to focus on me and the girls - but I am concerned he has nothing out there - no home etc and I don't want him to have to go through jail or whatever will come but at the same time I am aware that I shouldn't try and take away 'consequences'. I love him and yeah I don't know what the 'right' thing to do is re the charges. I guess I am asking for advice?
I'm so sorry you are going through this and glad you have found us. It sounds like a painful situation.
In my experience people continue to behave the way they have behaved in the past, except that for alcoholics and abusers, the situation does go downhill. They don't spontaneously get better. Often they don't get better at all. But when they do, it is indeed as you say - because they have experienced the consequences of their behavior and decided that they don't like those consequences. Many times it takes multiple consequences to make the point, just as it does for us. I certainly endured many consequences of my own poor decisions before I decided that this was intolerable and that things had to change. So it's everybody, not just them.
I think all of us also have that second-guessing of ourselves in the cooling-off period. It's funny how things seem 'not that bad' even when they were very bad. It's like we have selective amnesia. A number of times I thought, "Well, I bet it won't be that bad next time - because now I see what to do differently - and he's very regretful and promises that things will be different - and I'm afraid of changing things too much. I bet I can control it next time." And I'd plunge back into the chaos. And when I was fully in the chaos again, I'd think, "What in heck made me think it was going to be any different? If I'd only stuck with my decision the first time, I'd be in a much better place by now!"
It got so that I wrote down all the bad things that happened. Then when I'd start to doubt myself, I'd take out the list. I'd read it through and think, "Oh yeah, oh yeah. That was really bad. Do I want to go through that again? Heck no!" That's when I started to get the strength to be real with myself.
I wonder if you are in that same cooling-off, second-guessing stage.
We don't give advice in Al-Anon, in favor of ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope). The one exception to that is when there is physical danger. And from what you describe, there is physical danger in your situation. I hear your wondering if you could have caused it or controlled it, when you say "In hindsight I wish I left but i didn't. I kept thinking I could manage his behaviour..." We would always like to think that we can control it. But you are right, you could not have managed his behavior. (If there were a way to do it, someone would have found it by now!) And sometimes when you're in the thick of things, the abuser won't let us leave. (That is a very dangerous situation.) But you can choose to leave now, by continuing to press charges. That is the safest way to make sure that you are not lured into this situation again. I do hope you'll get the advice of a domestic violence shelter. I know that there is typically still some danger as you are separating from the abuser. It is a very challenging situation, and also challenging for our emotional health and self-confidence.
Do you have an Al-Anon meeting you go to? That is a valuable source of support and tools for coping. They say to try six because they are all different.
Above all I hope you will stay safe and take care of yourself. You are very important and deserve a safe, serene life. Hugs.
Thank you SO much this is very helpful and I agree I am looking back now thinking 'oh it wasn't that bad' or 'next time I would do this to make it better' etc when in reality it was so bad I was scared that he would find I was calling the police and I was praying that I just be able to have enough time to say the address before he hurt me again.
Yes I am going to go to my first meeting in some years on Tuesday night. very good idea definitely.
A home is a place of safety and being made to feel scared and unvalued in one's own home is a bad situation. I love the awareness in your second post and that you have written down those fearful feelings so that if you need to you can come back and reread them. I also love the resolution in your second post here. That meeting is something to look forward to for sure.
Mattie has given you wonderful feedback that makes good sense to me. I would say let go and let God take care of the consequences apart from those that relate to you and would benefit you i.e. taking really good care of yourself, soothing those fearful feelings with peace and sharing and knowing, with head held high, that you took the best possible steps in a terrible situation. As Mattie has said already, stay safe. I am glad you are here with us. (((((Hugs)))))
Aloha Brightyellow and good to have you join this MIP family. There is tons of earlier posts available to you along with the present responses. Great you have decided on the face to face meeting also and in the mean time stick a round and read and continue to posts. Don't worry about him the experience and consequences of his behavior is a good teacher...he is in learning phase right now so don't interfere with it. God has great ways of teaching us new tricks including the alcoholic. We will send him prayers. (((((hugs)))))
Whose fault is it if he did "have nothing out there"? That's an assumption that may not be true and if it was who's fault is it? It's certainly not your fault if he drank himself out of all supports. Sounds like he terrorized you, made threats constantly, then really went over the line. Anyhow, what I'm hearing is he needs consequences, and you could use alanon to stop enabling him. The harder thing will be what you will do when he snivels to you that he is going to be different and wants to come back. Can't really say what to do, but I'm betting he is finding his way out there.
Also, it is likely he will have to take some batterer's intervention class and get probation at the most. I sincerely doubt he will have any jail time. They might institute a restraining order for a while. Alanon will also give you clarity. How much of your tendency to down play is really due to your own fears and insecurities? Do you have faith that you can make it on your own if you need and/or choose to? Do you think you are the only person that can help or manage your AH's life. If so, you are making yourself his higher power. Lots of stuff to sort through but it is all to make your life better.
Okay just going to read these response thank you. but now my mind is feeling overrun with thoughts - he had no money, no where to go - he's just suddenly been outed of the home and family until the court date. But that's not my responsibility is it? I didn't want that to happen but i had to choose to call the police for my children and for my own safety. And this is the result of it? Should I be trying to make contact with him through someone else and should i be moving out with the kids to my family or something so he has somewhere? Do you know what I mean? :(
Oh wow thank you everyone - I clearly have a lot to work through and on!!! I like all the questions - and they are spot on considerations. going to take some time to think on all of this and respond. E.g I know one answer - no - I don't think I can make it on my own - yes a lot of this is about me and my own insecurities.
I really appreciate everyone's time in responding and sharing. I can see I am in the right place and I am keen now for Tuesday night.
I thought that when my A finally left, he'd be living under a bridge within a week. But A's have remarkable amounts of resilience and cleverness. They are masters at living off other people - anyone they can find, old friends, new friends, people they meet here and there, family, anyone. In my experience the chances are very small that your A will actually be living out on the streets. (Whatever he tells you - they often try to guilt us into doing what they want with tragic stories of how bad their lives are going to be.) And if he should be living out on the streets because he's alienated everyone he's come into contact with, and/or because of drinking or substance abuse or whatever - then that's a consequence that will help show him the realistic consequences of those choices.
But really if he didn't want to go it alone, all he had to do was not to raise his hand to you. It was his choice.
I think you have no responsibility to look after his well-being at this point. If you had just been mugged in the street, you wouldn't be trying to provide a room for the mugger to sleep in, would you? But this man has just treated you worse than a mugger. At least muggers don't mug people in their own families.
One thing that happens when we're involved with someone so chaotic is that we become focused on them. It's almost as if we hardly exist any more, or don't exist beyond someone to take care of our A. It's like the Al-Anon joke about the woman who nearly died and when she did her A's life flashed before her eyes. We get so enmeshed in their craziness that our attention is wholly on how to appease them, calm them down, try to control their craziness, make them happy, watch their emotions, tailor our behavior to how they're feeling and what they're up to...
It becomes so that when they do something horrible, we still think more of taking care of them than we do of taking care of us.
But healing is about learning to take care of us again. You are on your journey. There will be more peace with every step. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
I haven't read the responses I'm just going to give you my experience, strength and hope in this situation.
I've been married twice, both to addicts of some kind.
My first XAH wound up laying hands on me and what I found out when the police were called the option to press charges were removed from my hands. Looking back at what I know now I should have pressed charges he might have been at least required to get help. I was young and naïve. The DA's office called me and they wanted to press charges and I said I wouldn't cooperate that was my only option. The charges were eventually dropped, if it's a situation where the state feels they have enough evidence they will press charges on their own that is standard practice. The same way that when the cops show and there are marks on one party the other party is removed to jail for an automatic 72 hour cool off period.
I would just encourage you to do 2 things .. call a DV Office in your area and get private counseling through them .. PLUS find an Alanon meeting .. this will not be the only time this will happen. My XAH almost killed me by accident by placing a pillow over my face to stop me from screaming as he was beating me. I don't mean to sound so mellow dramatic the reality is this is very serious and I was one slip away from a bad Lifetime movie. These situations are always scary with someone who is in an altered state of mind.
Press charges or not will be up to the DA"s office at this point if you are here in the USA. You can only choose to testify or not testify. I can only speak for IL, CA and KY. I think the laws are pretty standard in most states they can't afford to have victims wind up dead.
I absolutely encourage you to stop the dance of abuse insanity .. I caught something Mattie wrote as I started typing and she is absolutely right .. the disease will find a way to survive and it will do what is necessary to keep living. There are 3 things that can happen when an addict is left to their own devices and the disease is active .. they will get help, they will go out and find another enabler or they will wind up dead/the disease getting worse depending on the addiction stage they are at.
So abide by the OP at this point until you have a clearer mind because your disease is singing and it needs to be quieted before you make a decision you may regret because of acting on emotion and not on reason.
Hugs and good luck - S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome to MIP - so glad you are here and glad you found your courage to share...
My state is like Serenity's - the choice is removed once the police are involved.
Having said that/this, I can so agree with Mattie! My As were far more creative on how to live off others and how to find mind altering substances than their own jobs, futures, etc. That saying of when there is a will, there is a way certainly rings true for As in my experience.
Keep coming back. I would be inclined to engage with this program and stay in today - it's Sunday and you certainly don't have to make a decision on a Sunday, right?
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm in Australia - I am not sure what the laws are like here. I am at this stage letting go and just focusing on me and the girls - not meddling in this or having contact with him. Will write more in a minute but reading over responses again first. Appreciative this so much. This is what is helping me so much.
I know things are very different in Australia .. however I know that there are systems in place and all you can do is the footwork and ask questions that benefit you.
There are a couple of folks from Australia on the board and I hope they will jump on the conversation because they have had similar issues as you are describing.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm starting to cave and feel like I am going to make contact with him. I dont want to - it feels compulsive and I am praying to be stronger right now.
Hang in there, Brightyellow! I know we have all had that yearning to make contact again. It's like an alcoholic passing a bar - "It's been a while since i've been in there - I bet it would easier this time - and I just need to rest - it's been so hard out here - I bet it would feel so good - "
The sorry fact is that they are our addiction, like alcohol or drugs or whatever is their addiction. That's another reason we need a support program - it's just as hard for us to go it alone. We've lost our practice in coping with things without the chaos and distraction and insanity. Life can feel dull and empty. And we think, "What's missing? It's him!" Also, with that distraction and insanity removed, the things we think about ourselves can sometimes be scary and unpleasant. I remember the saying "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else." The insanity overfocuses us on our A, so we underfocus on ourselves. And sometimes that's a relief, because we have our own pain, difficult pasts, depression, fear.... The problem is that overfocusing on the A doesn't heal those things in us, it just distracts us temporarily. And then when the dust clears we have more pain from them, plus all the old pain.
When I had these cravings to get reattached, I was needing something genuine - comfort, support, hope. I didn't know where else to turn, so I'd turn to him, because that was my habit. (Of course he didn't really offer those things, just the illusion of them.) There are better places to get those things - I can't remember if you have a meeting? The fellowship is a wonderful place of real support. And of course we're here, though we're separated by electronic stuff. But the meetings are online here too. Not as perfect as face-to-face meetings in your own community, but maybe more convenient. You shouldn't have to endure these feelings alone.
I wonder if it would be helpful to make a list of the things that happened, as I did. What worries me is that he was physically endangering you. It's hard to believe that someoen we love would do that. Tragically, many women lose their lives because they discount this because it's just so mind-boggling. But we can't afford to lose you. Please don't take any risks with your life. Hang in there. Hugs.
Thank you for your awesome share. That just makes so much logical sense to me as to how and why we get caught up in the cycle.
Huge (((Hugs))) for your ESH today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The guilt you are feeling about taking care of yourself is old guilt from long before him. Let go of that baggage. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Trust yourself, you did the right thing. The feelings of safety and security you are feeling are serenity, trust in that.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Sorry to hear about the difficult situation. Every woman's circumstances are different. I have an avo which forbids returning home within 12 hours of consuming drugs and alcohol. It was the boundary I needed with the threat of legal force, which I am prepared to use. If you have Australian citizenship, work the system for everything you are entitled to. I know its hard but the political climate is currently in your favour so tell yourself you're worth it and go for it. No contact with kids is in my experience sometimes a blessing, but sometimes a curse. Only you know which is true for you. Take good care, and keep coming back. Alanon is for us the family members, so you have an open invitation to membership no matter what you decide. Don't forget to eat. Xx
Thank you so much everyone - hearing your experiences and shares is helping me to keep moving forward on this and I am feeling good today - although so ridiculously tempted - and I now know his new address (he got a share house room) - I haven't taken any risks or contacted him in anyway - except a mutual friend (husband and wife) are passing on info. Even knowing the address - I wish I didnt now but its helped me too I guess because its the first time he has realised I guess that I mean this and hes taken up further accommodation (not just couch surfing). I feel better that I havent contacted him - stronger in myself. Not at all resolved but just doing what I can for today. I know he has asked for my new phone number but I am glad my friends didnt pass it on without my permission.
I took my little one into Kindy today to visit (she starts there next term - its the stage before school) and it felt so good to be calm, not in some crisis (well I am but not in the moment) and to be able to focus and share that with her. That's what I really want. sure seeing him will give me instant relief but it comes with a lot more further pain and risk. I am going to throw myself into readings today and give myself nourishment that way. And keep doing self care. I thank you all so much. This is my responsibility so I dont mean this in the wrong way - but I have to be honest - without this thread and the shares from you guys - I would have been back to the old insanity by now.
I'm glad you are here so keep coming back when you feel the need in the moments I think I don't need to reach out or a meeting those are the moments I need them most.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hey there.
I'm another Aussie woman with a partner who gets violent when he drinks, and I could have written your post almost word for word a year or so ago when I first called the police and had him removed. I didn't press charges and he was back within a day promising to never, ever do it again....until, of course, he did. So good for you for taking it far enough that he couldn't just return and pretend it never happened, and do it again. You're doing great
I'm not surprised he has found new living arrangements quickly; they do that...and my partner would in all likelihood seize on any weakness or sadness I showed him to really lord it over me and tell me that he was "moving on" and "getting away from my psycho crap" etc if I contacted him during times like the one you are experiencing now. So although everyone is not the same, a lot of abusers/addicts really do seem to operate from the same playbook and if you end up making contact please be aware that there's a really good chance he'll use any emotions you show him against you to manipulate you into feeling insecure,or guilty, or afraid of losing him forever. My guy was (is) SO clever at hurting me and then making me feel guilty and insecure about it. I don't know if that happens in your relationship but if it does, I found it really helpful to learn I was not alone with those feelings and there is a book "Getting Them Sober' by Toby Rice Drews that I found incredibly helpful; it explained the abusive dynamics of these relationships in such clarity. I'd highly recommend reading it, as well as living and breathing al-anon and attending meetings and talking to the wonderful folk here Like you, that was what helped me avoid falling into all of the old patterns and traps.
Be kind to yourself. It's really easy to isolate and neglect yourself after an "incident" and you deserve the very best care you can give yourself. Imagine you have a friend who has been assaulted by her husband....how would you treat her if she came to stay? Then treat yourself like that. That's how I tried to do it, and it helped.
Big hugs. You're not alone and you're doing awesome
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you so much Missmeliss! I just drove half way to see him/stalk the new place? I guess - but I prayed and prayed to turn the car around and I am so glad I did and now I am sitting at home having a cuppa and reading your post.
I prayed for my higher power's strength to turn the car around - I was struggling so much with temptation.
Yes it sounds so, so similar! I am so sorry if you are still going through it also. I am going to try and breathe (the adrenaline is still going from almost going past there) and look up that book and then hopefully write more here. Thank you!
It can be so hard, can't it? Weirdly hard. Like the alcoholic walking past the bar. It's like we've made the alcoholic into our center of gravity. Unfortunately he is a dangerous center of gravity. I hope you have a meeting within reach? Or can go to one on this site. When we get so restless, that's when we need to do something and get some of the support we're craving, from people who are capable of giving it. I remember the saying H.A.L.T. - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired - that's when people are most vulnerable. I know when I was feeling particularly lonely was when I was especially vulnerable to just edging closer to my ex - looking him up on Facebook, thinking about sending him an e-mail... It always led to my being miserable, but it was strangely hard to stop myself from starting down that road. I think it's good to have alternatives for those times. Maybe reading some of the literature. Hang in there.
BY, that is natural. But I think you are missing the presence of another person and warm feelings of being loved, laughing with someone else. How much of that is really him? Is he that person anymore that you had those good times with? Maybe partly, but not entirely and alcoholism has caused that. So, if things are going to work out, he needs space and time to figure out his own issues, deal with repercussions of being a violent drunk and it sounds like you could benefit from just sitting with yourself and figuring out your own wants and needs as an individual. After being in a long partnership, you grow naturally dependent/codependent upon another person, but if the relationship has serious problems, then you develop sick codependency because you miss the idea of who a person is and not the actual person. So, now is the time to figure out how to make yourself happy just on your own for a bit. This will insulate you MUCH BETTER for if and when you do either get back with him or have relationships with others. If you can make yourself happy and be content on your own to an extent, you will have broken the cycle of neediness that keeps you clinging to someone that isn't meeting your needs at all (at least lately) and who is actually hurting you. That has been my experience at least. This is all about getting comfortable with yourself - not about him as much.
I always found in those moments I recreated situations .. the good times were better and the bad times were less the reality is neither to maximize either situation or minimize either situation. Yes .. my XAH and I had some good times .. some really fun times .. however .. there came a time where the bad times started out numbering the good times. I wanted what I wanted him to be .. not who he showed me who he was .. and that's not to say things can't workout .. honestly .. how can they work with the way things are going right now?? If nothing changes .. nothing changes .. keeping the focus on me and working on getting better helps me see things in a more detached way .. it is what it is nothing more and nothing less.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I think it's time for me to do some step work. Time and space are definitely needed and wishful thinking could be the end of me if I'm not careful. Time to fave reality but with the awesome support and tools here!
