Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Still Stuck by the Sickness of my Inner Child...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Jozie)) I can so identify. I just experienced a similar day with my sister. The big difference is that now I have learned to "validate "myself --My actions, my attire, my opinions without engaging with her opinion. Big difference from years ago when I would levee feeling angry and upset without knowing the reason.

Thanks to alanon, I have really accepted that I am powerless over others and they are entitled to there opinions as am I. I can permit them to verbalize their thoughts as long as I am welling to verbalize mine , in a constructive manner It works No more hurt feelings.

Plan B would be to Throw my tool box at her

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 11th of September 2015 09:11:38 AM

mjferg · Senior Member

I also have family members who are verbally and emotionally abusive,I stopped participating in some of my families events.I have the right to be respected.I simply detached from the situations with the explanation that I was no longer going to be involved in the family drama ,but if you want a healthy relationship with me,I am here.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Jozie, as you are telling this story, I am actually feeling very bad for your older sister. Do you

see how tortured she is? She is a dry drunk? Well I see some good reasons to use your

Al-anon tools on this chickie!! {{HUGS}}

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Jozie - (((Hugs))) to you.....I am truly sorry for you and her! I am one who only has brothers, so no sisters. I think there is good and bad in that. I used to think I'd give anything for a sister to share with and chat with and ... but I'm just fine as it is!

In doing my inventory, I did learn that I was a bit too sensitive and personalized things that truly were not about me. So, when I begin to 'feel' belittled, used, interrupted, etc. I tend to breathe, assess and act. What I've had to practice on is the assessing and acting. I often assess things as 'attacks on me' when they are about the person spouting off. I've gotten good at acting - my go-to is an excuse me, and off to the bathroom I go. When I come back out, I tend to act as if I've moved onto something new.

If they keep coming at me, I will then suggest the conversation needs to end. If it continues, I will leave or ask them to do so. Age, relation, past, etc. doesn't matter in my program of today. It's about self-protection with grace and dignity. I too will throw my tool-box if necessary as a last resort!

I am sorry that she's been a thorn for most/all of your life. My oldest brother is that way at times. I am grateful he lives in another state. I get to control when I 'see' him - he rarely comes home, and that's OK. I do make a point to visit once in a while to test my program process.....it's a great test each and every time.

Around here, when we are perplexed, we have a plan of Write about it, Talk about it and Pray about it. I've heard 2 stories recently where a program friend has prayed for another person that they just struggled with - resentments, anger, feeling abused/abandoned, and in both instances, HP answered and the relationships have both changed dramatically. Daily prayer for that person is supposed to help with the answers, actions and outcomes!

Know that we're here for you and I hope you feel better just sharing! Hang in there!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I recognize this hook jozie I've been on it. My sibling had power over me for a long time and I still have my moments concerning him. I'm glad they're fewer today than they use to be. In my experience... I realized he saw me as competition. That really hurt me because I never thought of him that way. I've always seen myself walking next to him. In fact, I've admired his good qualities and told him so. I had to grief and let go of my expectations of him being what I would like and accept him where he is at. I know it's about him not me. Like you, it's confusing sometimes to know where he is coming from. It depends on which way the wind is blowing that day, how his life is going. If I call him, he goes to the pity pot immediately when I ask how things are. His belief is that he's being acted upon by life. Inevitably,someone else is the scapegoat for his misery and self loathing. It painful for me to be in his presence and see his pain and equally painful to hear him by phone but I love him and continue to reach out and detach with love.

It's really sad how many people we love are steeped in the disease of alcoholism and filled with resentment. At least with Alanon we can share, feel the sadness and know we're not alone. We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure. Rationalization like this doesn't help a sister's aching heart though. I relate. (((jozie)))) TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene