The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Relationships just always bring out these challenges in me.
I was spending quite a bit of time with a friend of my brother's, who I know has developed a more-than-friends interest in me.
I'm trying real hard to do things different and I know one of my important criteria I have now for possible future long-term relationships is that he and I must get to know each other and interact as friends for a good long time before I'm willing to move to the heavier stuff.
So I had this very conversation with him on Sunday, after allowing him to kiss me Saturday evening, letting him know I'm not ready to move any faster and that I'm interested in developing our friendship first and foremost and see where it leads from there.
He seemed understanding of it all when we talked. We sat and chatted for a long time before he went home.
I saw a funny picture yesterday and sent it to him in a text and I haven't heard squat from him - he who usually texts me every day.
So I'm pretty sure this is a result of our discussion on Sunday. Either he's giving me space or he's unhappy in some shape or form.
But this is where it's got my co-dependent traits just SQUIRMING.
Did he not get the message that I'm still interested, I just want to take it slow? Still interested meaning it's still okay to actually talk? Is he mad at me? Is he being punishing? And if he's being punishing well shit then, forget him.
But that damn "NEED TO KNOW" urge is making me bonkers. And that other "EVERYONE MUST LOVE ME" urge is kicking in big time, too. I'm so tempted to call him and set things right - make sure he's okay, instead of just allowing him to do what he needs to do in all of this.
I called my sponsor last night, and she was great as always and told me she sees such big growth in me through this.
And I know I'm taking inventory on this whole situation. I do like traits of this guy - that he has similar tastes in music, movies, activities as me. He even likes to DANCE - and that is a crazy, weird anomaly to me to meet a heterosexual man who actually likes DANCING. That was huge brownie points for me.
But at the same time, God bless him, but he is really a kind of down in the dumps kind of guy who seems pretty unhappy with his life, yet I don't see his being very motivated to do anything about it either. And that's a drain to be around for me. I want to be around positive people who have an upbeat look on life. And he interrupts... soon much. So when I look at those traits, why the heck am I feeling like I want to make sure everything between he and I is golden?
So there ya go. Thanks for letting me just vomit it all out.
Just again so uncomfortable not fixing it. Or better word would be "MANIPULATING" it. Because that's what I do. I sense someone is unhappy with me - it doesn't even matter if I'm not particularly impressed with them - by God they need to LIKE me!
(((Aloha))) you validated yourself in a healthy fashion--Good Job.
You spoke your truth and it was his job to speak his. Keep praying, write your asset list and trust that HP will reveal more.
You are part of the MIP family and loved and respected here
(((Aloha))) - when I do 'this' kind of processing, I have to realize we are all humans in an imperfect world. Perhaps it's as simple as he's lost his phone, misplaced his phone and/or ????
It is in times like this where I have to work on me and realize that I am lovable and it will be OK.
Hang in there - I do 'get it' and how you're thinking...I applaud you for speaking and standing in your truth.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Man I've written and deleted so flipping much in my response. I'm trying to resist my OWN temptation to give advice from the male perspective, so I'll just say this:
I think it's unlikely he's mad at you. I think it's unlikely he's punishing you. I think it's very likely he's just disappointed and needing a little space to emotionally detach from you a bit, as self protection while he accepts things.
And I'll also say this:
I see a lot of self awareness from you in this post :) I hope your discomfort passes as things become more clear for you.
Thank you everyone. And thank you littlelionman. It is helpful to hear a male perspective on things because I do realize men and women process things pretty different.
I really am happy to be sticking to my ideals here. That's huge because pre-recovery me was quick to dive in nose first for the simple fact someone was showing some interest in me. That has always lead to serious hurt.
Glad he is taking whatever time he's taking to process whatever it is he's processing, else I may have kicked in to manipulation mode quickly and said something I would later regret.
This is giving me time to properly detach too. Whew.
I have noticed that even if I have only lukewarm interest in a guy, if he withdraws from me, all of a sudden I get all worked up about feeling rejected and having an impulse to try to "win him back." Crazy, isn't it? Boy, it kept me attached to some really unavailable people, over the years.
But it sounds as if you have some really great awareness. And you're not sure if he's the man for you anyway. That's the part I always lost sight of - that I was assessing him as much as he was assessing me.
