The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Long story short, my AH of 9 years, who has been my best friend of almost 20, has relapsed again. He's using less than he was at the height of his addiction and yet his acts are even crazier. He has resorted to stealing money out of my personal bank account and pawning my personal belongings. It was the last straw and after several arguments, he decided to take me up on my ultimatum and leave after I drew a line in the sand. I dropped him off at some random house in a bad side of town (his car is in the shop) and drove away with a sense of relief and dread. Relief that I had stood my ground. Dread at the drama that's to come. Will he die? He'd talked of suicide just a few days earlier. Will he be lost to the streets forever?
He's a wonderful man. Everyone that meets him naturally likes him. He will help anyone, anywhere, anytime. He loves helping needy people and animals, he always is for the underdog and he exudes a pure heart of gold.. yet, he hates himself. He thinks he is every negative adverb you can come up with. Stupid, useless, a loser, I could go on and on. He loves me so much. He loves me the way every woman wants to be loved.. Unconditionally, with a fiery passion of protection, adoration and comfort. He's like my heart walking around outside my body. He's tried to get clean for me and ultimately failed.. This time, he has to do it for himself. He says he knows that, I don't know if he really does. His opinion of himself hurts me to my soul. How dare he insult and degrade the man I love?
My house feels so empty and my heart has a constant dull ache for him. I can't eat or sleep and I am constantly nauseous at the anxiety and sadness. I'd probably vomit if there was anything in my body to expel. I know what I have to do and so far, am staying strong. I try to pray, but over the past several years, I have lost my faith in the God I believed in all my life. For years, I prayed in earnest. For years, my prayers have been answered with the things that broke my heart and tore at my soul. I got the exact opposite of all my hopes and dreams when I prayed, so I stopped.
I beg the universe that he goes through with the detox program, followed by the 12 month inpatient program, as he's said he will. Right now, I await his call that he's secured a bed. I try to hope rather than expect, because hope is the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.
Welcome to MIP, muse, so sorry for this. Many people say that alcoholism is a cunning, baffling disease. I usually just say it sucks: it takes innocent people down with it, and amongst the innocent is usually the alcoholic themselves. Nobody asks to be alcoholic, they just want to have fun, or be able to run away from life a little bit, then discover that life ran away with them.
I hope he completes his mission. I also hole you take advantage of the resources of Al Anon and get to a face to fave meeting. There will be lots of comfort and understanding there.
Muse I have to agree with Kenny, it does suck.I have had the same feelings as you, not able to eat or sleep and I hope you get some relief. Being on here and just venting helps. You are most definitely not alone.
Addicts are sick people, not bad people. I also used to be just like the way you describe your AH. While I know he doesn't think of it this way, I came to realize that viewing myself as a "retarded, dysfuntional, loser, screw up" was really just a selfish, immature copout I used to avoid growing up, changing, and/or being responsible in relationships. It was selfish and self-absorbed to think my issues and problems were worse than everyone else's. It was massively selfish to think of myself that way and try to be in a relationship because I was automatically forcing the other person into a position of fixing me and then worrying about if I could function without them. It was so unhealthy and wrong. If you asked me at the time and if you asked others, it would have been stated I was giving and had a huge heart, but the addict part was not well articulated or defined. That part was selfish and immature. I used to think I could not have such low self esteem and be "selfish" at the same time. I later learned it was so incredibly selfish and self-centered to think and act like my problems were worse than everyone else's.
I am only writing this so you know you are not alone in knowing someone who is, sweet, giving, with a heart of gold, but also emotionally crippled and a selfish self sabotaging jerk at the same time. That was me. That describes a lot of addicts. The fact that I had good qualities didnt make me good relationship material. I could not give freely of myself with such a poor self concept. That was like trying to give someone a present that I would hate being given myself. I empathize with the insanity of you loving an addict that hates themself. I have been that person and also dated one just like me too.
I always didn't like that saying, its a cunning , baffling disease...it takes the responsibility away, that if you catch this disease your doomed.
Its not baffling to me or even cunning. It's logical that when you drink a whole bunch of alcohol and for long periods of time, it goes thru the body right up to the brain and causes disorder and messes with the transmitters in the brain, not to mention every other organ in the body. I know that AA says, you gotta wanna, the Alcoholic has to abstain and the spouse and family members need to get educated and get help, because they can't do it alone. Its too overwhelming and puzzling for the logical partner or family that are not addicted.
Muse I have walked in your shoes. and as difficult as it is , you did the right thing. I did the same thing to my ex when it got to unbearable. Only it was to his own apartment, which he lived in a few years, lost his job, got evicted, went to sober living , got sober for awhile, but the beast got the best of him and he died 2 years ago when all his organs failed due to his drinking.
I wouldn't call it a baffling , cunning disease. Its a fatal one if not stopped. I wonder if the addict saw images of a brain on alcohol or on drugs if it would make an impact on them. Bottom line, they have to do it for themselves.
Not all die, but come pretty close to it , if they don't stop.
Don't give up Muse, keep coming back and find the tools and solutions that led you down this path. Never have regret, because we also have our lessons to learn.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 8th of September 2015 09:39:33 PM
-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 8th of September 2015 09:40:19 PM
-- Edited by Beatrice on Tuesday 8th of September 2015 09:41:38 PM
Muse - Welcome to MIP and so glad you found us and the courage to share.
I am one that says it is cunning, baffling and powerful and I say it because I believe it. Until or unless you've experienced the perpetual pull of the mind-altering substance solution, it's hard to understand it. It's truly not a cop out - it's the reality of how these substances affect brains differently.
For one who has addictive tendencies, thinking of a drink/drug/other substance is as natural as smoking a cigarette or having a cup of coffee. We all know that eating healthy is the better option, but french fries and/or cookies and/or (insert your preferred snack here) sound so much better and a little won't hurt.
That's what it's like for an alcoholic and yes - it also sucks. As it's been said, it's not about bad people - it's about sick people.
I can relate to what pinkchip describes. I too was a very giving person who had a very low self-concept. I was very, very selfish while being kind-hearted. The substances were in the beginning an escape and became a necessary crutch that was no longer optional. Recovery is possible, but 27+ years later, there is still at times the thought creeping into my brain of, "I wonder if I now could drink like a normal person...." What? Why would that thought appear? I NEVER drank like a normal person....why in the world would I have that thought? That for me is the cunning, baffling part of the disease. I have seen folks with many years of recovery go back out and drink. That's the powerful part for me. I have a healthy fear of the first drink and where that would take me, and I intend to always remember how powerful and progressive this disease is, one day at a time.
I totally understand where you are coming from. When you love another who is engaged in active addiction, it's so very, very painful. I too want to encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings, as you will find tons of support and love. This program has helped me to stop anticipating what may happen and instead live for today and enjoy what it vs. what is not.
I also understand your anger with God or HP. I had to be taught to pray for his will vs. my will. My will would have all addicts in recovery and all Al-Anoners happy, well and whole. While that would be a lovely world, it's just not realistic. It's not for me to wonder why - it's for me to accept and persevere.
So very glad you are here - you are not alone and we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
None of us can know the future, though of course we'd all like to. But it's important to talk to ourselves with compassion. I know that your A's future is unclear right now. But it may not be "the worst." And you can go on to have serenity and peace - not without sorrow, because none of us gets a life without sorrow - but without devastation and endless pain. I hear a lot of grief and agony about your A in your post. I'm sure we've all been in that position of fear and apprehension. I know it seems like climbing Mount Everest, but what about your precious life and happiness in this equation? In Al-Anon we have two sayings, among many: "Let go and let God," and "He's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?"
The more we're able to turn our attention back to ourselves and our own fulfillment, the more we release our A's to find their own answers, and the more our lives become peaceful. When we model peace, it changes the whole dynamic, and those changes ripple far past our own sphere.
