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Okay, I just need some advise. So my AH has been told that I am not living with him if he drinks, whether it be one time or 1000 times, he knows I am over it and don't want it in my life anymore. So as of last Thursday he has not drank as far as I know, anyhow. So this Sunday he has a golf outing, I will be out of town and not home till late so I many not be able to tell if he has drank. My question, do I investigate and try to figure out if he's drank or let it go? I know if he drinks then he will drink again and I want to know but I also do not want to stress myself out over it all.
I am caring for myself and my children and making plans with them for our future but I don't know what the future holds and that is the hardest part. I live in the today but with kids and with everything that is happening you can't not plan for future.
I am so glad I have all of you to fall on. I appreciate all of your advise and help.
Attending AlAnon meetings finally freed me from being his drinking police. I have worked step 1 in so many directions until I internalized that I am powerless over everything but myself.
I understand you have set a boundary with your husband. You won't need to sniff him or watch him closely (I shudder to remember my detection techniques!) to know if he's drinking. He will or he won't. You cannot affect his behavior.
You can decide what you will do for yourself and your children. You don't need to do it right away. Take your time and see how your life changes when you shift the focus away from his behavior.
You will see wonderful changes in your own life, and you can make your home a place you want for your children.
Keep reading and keep asking.
If he's drinking again, you'll know soon enough. They're never able to keep it hidden for long. So you don't need to investigate the golfing. It will become apparent if it happens.
I'm sure you are wise to be planning ahead. If alcoholics could stop drinking all by themselves, just by sheer force of will, there'd be a lot fewer alcoholics in this world.
Do not try and investigate. This will only drive you crazy. Believe me as I know, I was the detective for so many years with my AH. And besides, if he does start drinking again you will know soon enough....if it is this weekend at the golf tourament than so be it. He is the only one that can control his own actions. Do you go to face to face meetings? If not, I would suggest you try and attend one this week before the weekend....it will help put you more at peace. Living in the unknown is just so frustrating but you have to focus on one day at a time. If it makes you feel better you can always make a plan B. At least that is what my therapist suggested to me so I have a plan if my AH starts to drink again. I am in the same situation as you, have laid down my boundaries and if he decides to start drinking again he must move out of the house. Best wishes and take care of yourself.
I will also say that Mattie is so right about knowing quickly. When my husband first tried to get sober he lied and said he hadn't drank, blah blah blah. It quickly escalated though and I think he thought he could have one and control it but within 2 weeks I could tell and it just spiraled from there.
I use to be the alcohol police and it made me physically sick. One of the best things I have done is to not be! Take care of yourself and I wish you well.
Confused, you will find, when you work the program, that detaching and respecting your husbands ability to stop or not stop drinking is more important to you ... than to him.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
