The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a week since I told him to leave; after 2 consecutive years. Our relationship started in 2010 and was rocky due to his drinking...he did make 'changes and adjustments' but never a full commitment to stop. He was drinking on the weekends which consisted of 6-9 on Fridays and Satudays and 6 Sunday mornings and 9-12 Sunday afternoons (these are beers). I just got to the point of not being happy.
When he was sober, during the week, he was great. We had a good time, then I started analyzing... We were roommates not a couple. I left subtle hints about not being happy and suggested him getting one six pack instead of two...he says I was trying to control his life like a typical woman and to back off. But when I stated that he was controlling me because he was expecting me to deal with it...no response. Anytime I would mention bettering himself, VA benefits, clearing tax issues, finalizing his divorce, I needed to mind my own business. But, he was able to say and suggest things for my life and expected me to jump to his advice.
So, when I told him I couldn't do it anymore he said I blind sided him... That he had no prep-time, that he would have to find a spot on the lake to live...I suggested his sisters place but, of course, too much pride. So, he is living in a pay by the week hotel.
I have a wonderful relationship with his son, I consider him my own. He just recently moved out on his own, the week before to be exact. He told his dad that he knew it was coming and that he couldn't warn him cause when he did see him he was drinking.
This weekend was rough and I feel very selfish because Saturday morning he made time to visit with his son and take him out to breakfast. He finally told his son how proud of him he is and of the man he is becoming; words he has never heard. He told his son that he wants to spend time going to the lake to fish and what not and that he even finally joined a gym.
I know I have to remember that when things would be good for a week or two they would slowly go right back to not being so good. It's still so hard.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you found the courage to share!
I too am sorry for the situation. The Al-Anon program is such that we work hard on ourselves to find peace and joy no matter what the alcoholic is or is not doing. We do this by reading the literature, working the steps, attending meetings and living one day (sometimes one moment) at a time.
Do something kind for you today - just for you. Don't worry about anyone else but you! Joining here was a great first step for you, find a couple others and do that/them too!
Change is difficult even when it is 'good change' and or 'necessary change'. Know that you are not alone and we're all just a post away!
Huge (((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to MIP Nvrdnths ... it is very hard, I understand. Alcoholism is a disease, one which can never be cured, only arrested by abstinence. The disease creates alot of drama and chaos, not just for the alcoholic but for the people that have to live with those who are addicted. AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for family/friends/children of alcholics. Please consider going to local face-to-face meeting in your locality. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings It is at those meetings that you will receive the understanding and tools that will help you to cope and regain your sanity. It is hard to think clearly after living with the disease, Al-anon will help you to regain your clarity and sanity. You can also go to two of our daily on-line meetings and begin to work the 12-step program here on line as well. Both you can access at the top of the screen on the left and right sides. Please keep coming back to speak with us.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you for the welcoming and understanding. Knowing that I'm not alone means soooo much!!! I will be researching locally for face-to-face meetings and I will try the online meetings as well. Again, thank you!!
Hi and welcome. When I came to AlAnon I learned a lot about myself. I saw myself in you when you mentioned your feelings. When I was in that spot I felt guilt. When I changed and he didn't like it, I felt guilt. I was changing his life..... how dare me! And I really did feel guilty about it. AlAnon helped me get over the guilt and see the reality that you already can see. He was manipulating you. When you called him for that he didn't like it very much. And because you are a caring person, you feel guilt for changing his life. Get to AlAnon meetings. They help you stay on course.
Welcome Nyrdnths You are not alone. Alanon suggests that we make no major life changes until we are in program for at least 6 months. This is because by attending meetings and developing constructive tools to live by , our inner attitudes change and we begin to see life differently. Our self esteem and self worth are restored, as we learn not to react but to respond to life in a healthy fashion.
Keep coming back
Welcome Nyrdnths, I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Well done on standing your ground. I'd love to know what 'a typical woman' is??!!! I do hope that it is the mythical creature that I suspect it to be!!
No need to feel guilty - what you have said and done sounds very loving and honest to me. Take care of yourself and let HP or the fates take care of the rest. It isn't easy and I'm sure that Alanon face to face will be a good idea as well. ((((Hugs))))
