The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today is the first time my AH and I have really talked for a couple weeks. He left on Wednesday night, came home Thursday, after telling me he loved me, the kids, and didn't want to leave. I actually told him to leave. Anyhow, I know he loves us but I told him I cold not live like this anymore. So today we got into a big discussion. I told him after we discussed somethings that if neither of us are happy and we don't know how to make each other happy why are we doing this? Kind of where we left it. He wants me to be all cuddly and lovey and I want him to help me out around the house and not drink because of what the drinks lead to, a jerk. So as of Wednesday night he hasn't drunk and he tells me today that he isn't gonna drink but he's doing it on his own. He realizes he has a problem. Will this really work without AA or an alcoholic support group? I know that he will be able to go without drinking for a while on his own, he's very determined to prove me wrong but can it be long term? I just do not want to have everything going good and then in 3 mos he starts drinking again when I am at my wits end now and okay with him or I leaving. I do love him but am over not feeling loved and I don't want him unhappy either. And if I can't make him happy I'd rather we just try to be happy on our own. He also told me he thinks I'm bipolar...because my moods change from happy to mad in a sec. I tried to explain to him that thats not how bipolar works but didn't wanna argue over something else. Anyhow, thanks for listening and for any kind words. It's been a really rough week.
I talked to a longtime AA member once about people doing it on their own. He said, "Well, spontaneous combustion sometimes happens too." And people win the lottery, or get struck by lightning. So many things that are unlikely are not impossible.
What I wish someone had told me in the beginning was that the statistics are that 15-25% of those who enter formal recovery programs will achieve longterm sobriety. So the statistics for those who don't go into formal programs must be lower. So those are the odds.
The good news is that you don't have to guess whether it will work or not work. The results will be clear all by themselves. You can take a break from the relationship now and then investigate getting back together when he has a year of sobriety or so. (The first year is generally pretty rough and shaky, and relationships just add to the stress.) If he's managed to stay sober, the results will speak for themselves.
Anything is possible. I am living that proof. My spouse got sober 21 years ago on his own with no formal program or support in recovery. He has been a wonderful partner since that time and has not functioned like a dry drunk on any level. He is grounded, kind, supportive, and loving and the best spouse one could ever ask for. I do not know why or how he did it but when it occurred I was on the verge of leaving the relationship and would have done so if the drinking had not ceased as I could not continue to live in that way. It brought out the worst in me and I am thankful every day for the gift I was given. He said his priorities became his relationship and his kids, it is like the light bulb suddenly turned on. I cant explain it, but I am thankful. My intention is not to give false hope, I am just sharing what I have experienced. In the meantime, the support of Alanon and other things have helped me to focus on myself a bit better. I don't take anything for granted. Life can change on a dime.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 5th of September 2015 05:44:00 PM
Confused, I understand that you are worried about the future with your AH, but what we learn in Al-anon is to work the program and use the tools so that we can cope with "Just Today", not the past or the future. Time will tell how your husband will do, just take care of today, yourself and your children and let your husband take care of his own business. I guess I am suggesting to detach with love and empathy.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I certainly must agree with Debb, I too wanted happiness and alanon suggested that if I wanted happiness, serenity, courage and wisdom, all I needed to do was to keep the focus on myself and my recovery.
I could pick up the tools of the program, learn how to live in the moment, letting go of expectations and the past, while taking care of myself with the support of those who understood as few others could . I did just that and found that they were right..
I am happy that the two of you could have a conversation. That's a gift with this disease, at least in my experience. I've seen it all truly - my grandfather was a hard-core alcoholic when my father and aunt were younger. When things got really, really bad, he quit. He would stand on the alter in the front of the church once a year and pledge to not drink. That worked for him until he passed away. He did function at times like a dry drunk, but I think my G-ma and the kids were just happy he was not out getting into trouble and spending the weekly paycheck.
I met a gal in recovery who quit on her own and came to AA after about 3 years abstaining. She felt she was lacking in her life and just wanted to see what people who no longer drank did with their free time. She stayed with us in recovery for the spiritual journey and for the fellowship.
I heard this morning that a gal in my home group went back out. She had a number of years, and relapsed and is now on the relapse cycle. She's not yet been able to find her way back to recovery and we are wondering if she will live or die.
I chose to recovery with AA and the fellowship/steps. I doubt I would have found long-term sobriety without it. I don't know, I honestly never gave it much effort. I can not imagine doing it alone when having the support of others on the same journey is readily available.
So, his recovery effort might be successful. It might not. What I know today is that I can survive and even thrive no matter what my qualifiers are doing. If you want to be happy, then work on you. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be. If you and he are meant to have different journeys, then that's will be. In this program, it is suggested to live one day at a time - not getting stuck in the past or projecting into the future.
When we stay in the present, we find our truth and strength to handle life on life's terms in the now. If we believe this is a disease vs. a choice, all patients have risks regarding their illness. In no illness are their guarantees of full remission and no risk of an adverse outcome. Alcoholism is no different - there are no guarantees that one can/will get sober, stay sober and live happily. It's just not a reality - it's a fantasy. But, I believe many who don't live with this disease will suggest their life is way different than planned/projected, and at some level, they too are doing the best they can with what they have to enjoy the present....it's truly all we have.
So - if he drinks or if he doesn't drink, what are you going to do? That's the question I had to answer to start and stay in my journey of recovery in Al-Anon.
(((Hugs))) - so very sorry that you've got confusion and pain - know that this too shall pass!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great that you both managed to have this conversation - it takes a lot of love to do that.
My husband also thinks that I am crazy but it isn't that helpful when either of us think that way. It seems much more helpful when we keep the focus on ourselves. I did consider what my husband said, decided that I was a bit more crazy than I'd like to be, but that I wasn't doing too badly under the circumstances. I resolved to do better, for myself and in honour of those that gave me my genes. (Isn't it funny the tricks we employ!!)
My husband has now managed two years without drinking and I am proud of him for that. I have sometimes been frustrated at the slow pace of change. It isn't that surprising that Disney has not yet scripted our happy ending - thank goodness really, otherwise I would have missed a lot of lessons and would still be behaving like a frail Cinderella!
Husband did not use any programmes although he did have an online forum for support. The two years prior saw him trying to stop about 4-5 times, with the three month marker being a particular hurdle. Before that he fiercely wanted to drink, it worked for him and 'did the job'. He is a very determined person! I think that it has been important for him to do things his own way.
From my side it hasn't been easy but the lessons have mostly been positive. I've learnt to keep out of his business and to focus on my own self-improvement and recovery. What a gift. It has at times been lonely, and sometimes deeply irritating and frustrating. There have been times when old behaviours have surfaced and I've wondered 'what's the point?' My expectations have not been met or exceeded, except in regards to how many resentments I was harbouring! I've learnt not to have expectations on the whole! I've learnt to reach out to friends when I need to.
I too have questioned what the future might be like, and have wanted reassurance that it is all worthwhile. But I have also learnt to recognise when I'm projecting and brewing self-sabotaging worries (especially on days when all is going well). That just damage me and stop me from accepting the good in the present moment. I don't know what might happen tomorrow but I do know that whatever it is I have some new tools to deal with it. I am a stronger person than I thought and whilst I like to be flexible, behaving like a willow tree who bends with the wind, I can now see some of the sturdy benefits that a deeply rooted oak tree offers. New skills come into my life all the time.
We are all different and getting a new balance in a partnership is, in my experience, another learning curve. Even when things are getting better it is still change and for us that means learning new ways of being again. It can be unsettling but on balance, just for today, all is well.
It is confusing and weird, (learning to value on my own happiness rather than relying on getting my happiness from what my husband was feeling was a difficult one for me). Keeping things simple has helped.
My xah gave up drinking on his own. He did belong
To a mens support group for awhile to get his license
Back. Otherwise he has been dry for 30 years. It was
Thru Sheer will power and he always kept himself tightly
controlled.
He seemed fine for years, i thought we had his disease
Beat. Wrong it was just simmering nothing was resolved.
He Was not emotionally sober only physically sober and
He Had not dealt with his issues or his family issues.
He did start attending AA in 2011. I have not seen any
Positive changes. He admits he is an alcoholic yet can
Not let go of self will, ego, attitude or be honest with
Himself.
This is one scary disease. What it can do to a person
If they do not seek to get better. I know what it has
Done to me. We had an alcoholic marriage even though
He was dry. I just did not see it. I thought our life was
Normal and good till it all changed.
Then it got real bad. He is no longer the man i thought
i married. I do not know This man. The real man was hidden
under a veneer of normalcy.The addict was still in there and
he turned against me in the Most vicious ways. He shows
No remorse or concern. We are now divorced.
But I have also learnt to recognise when I'm projecting and brewing self-sabotaging worries (especially on days when all is going well). That just damage me and stop me from accepting the good in the present moment. I don't know what might happen tomorrow but I do know that whatever it is I have some new tools to deal with it. I am a stronger person than I thought and whilst I like to be flexible, behaving like a willow tree who bends with the wind, I can now see some of the sturdy benefits that a deeply rooted oak tree offers. New skills come into my life all the time.