Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Kab915 · Newbie

Fell off the wagon as I wrote...

JukuVee · Veteran Member

(((Hugs))) I could have written this. I wish I had fabulous words of wisdom for you but I don't. You do need to do what's best for you though. I am in a very similar place. I however have already made the decision to break up with my A. My issue is just getting him out of the house. He doesn't want to go. I can't leave because it's my house and I take care of the pond,of the koi fish,all the chickens, and all the cats. My A has crossed every line I have drawn and I finally realized that he doesn't even really want to stop drinking, even with everything that's happened and with loosing me. I have decided that i'm not gonna let him bring me down anymore. I am tired of the roller coaster and I want to get off! I don't think my sanity can take it if I don't. Good luck to you I hope things get better soon. You probably should try and find a local meeting or go to one of the online ones here.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs Kab))))))

Whatever you feel most comfortable doing, even if it is absolutely nothing for a few days, you are free to do it. I used to try to make sure that whatever I did would be fun and restorative for me because riding that roller coaster is exhausting and it sapped the life out of me. I became determined to show my husband that I was not waiting on him and that I had a life of my own to live regardless of what he was doing. Initially I did this with an 'I'll show you' attitude but in a short time it became genuinely life enhancing and empowering.

My own husband is two years sober but he went through many two to three month periods of sobriety before that. I believe that the three month period is very tough and it is often a struggle around that time. My AH says that every time he fell off the ladder it was a new learning curve for him, a bit like grad school. The first couple of times I said something but after that I stayed out of his business, it was his choice to drink - and therefore consequences were his as well. I did not clear up his messes, I kept 'my areas' in the house as I liked them for me, I didn't sympathise, I didn't scold (for my benefit not his btw!).

It is great that you have choices of people you can visit or fall back on if you need to. It is of course infuriating to see someone you love doing something so harmful to themselves and to your relationship, those ghastly drinking gremlins are truly powerful and persuasive. If you do decide to speak about the renewed drinking, I would keep it brief and simply try to talk about your own fears and feelings rather than laying down blame (not easy I know!).

I didn't realise how much damage staying did to my self esteem and my respect for my husband so now, two years after sobriety, I am still more edgy and distrusting than I would like to be. I never, for a moment, expected to have the unhelpful feelings that I have now but sometimes those resentments come up and bite my behind - especially when I get close to liking him again. So with hindsight I wish that I had focused on my own feelings much earlier (I typically focused on my husband and how to keep the peace!).

A few useful thoughts that I tried to keep in mind in the process were don't take it personally; what would I like to do with my spare time; I don't have to react; what can I do to make myself feel loved and cared for (painting my nails was my starting point on that one!!). I also took up meditation and yoga and those helped me enormously as well.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

PS Kab,

I've just been thinking about the times when I did say something to my husband and they never turned out well. I think that I thought that if I could just get the wording right, everything would change. It didn't. We just had another nasty row! With hindsight I would speak out if I needed to say something about me or if my self esteem asked it of me, but otherwise I think I was probably much more scary (and also loveable) when I kept my mouth shut!

Are you going to face to face Alanon? Living with an alcoholic is so counterintuitive and alanon meetings are a great way to learn as well as being a place where you can meet others who share your experiences and understand what you are going through.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

{{K915}} glad you shared your ESH with us, I feel for you and what you and
your AB are going through. AB knows how you feel that is why his attitude is
sharp with you. He knows that he has failed and he is most certainly not happy
with himself, add to it your unhappiness and he must be feeling very low right
now. You must be feeling great disappointment and confusion and that is so
understandable!! Alcoholism is a threefold disease of the brain, body and
spirit, it is not easily arrested, that is why it is recommended that we empathize
and detach. Al-anon recommends that we immerse ourselves in the 12-step
program and seek the face to face support that is offered at meetings, for at
least 6 months before we make any big relationship decisions. You are in
the right place, here in Al-anon, to be able to acquire the tools to cope and
understand the disease, to be able to seek clarity, peace and serenity.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

kab915 -

Welcome (back) to MIP and so glad you found your courage to share. I can relate to what you've posted and completely understand your feelings/emotions.

Since 2 of my qualifiers are my children, I can tell you that I have tried everything, said everything, done everything and would try, say and do again IF I could change their journey to an easier path. I can't, but it took me a long while to realize that the disease will argue, dispute, discount, minimize, mock and negate just about anything and everything that appears logical and rational.

I can't tell you why a loving, kind, intelligent person(s) become so vastly different when this disease is active, but they do and it's a very difficult thing to watch.

For me, when the pain and anger and frustration become too much, I felt I had no choice but to get off the roller-coaster. The only action I have taken that has brought me peace and relief is this program, Al-Anon. I have learned to choose me over the disease, drama and chaos. I have learned to choose happiness over sadness, disappointment and despair. I have learned to accept and love those around me exactly as they are, instead of wanting to change, cure or fix them. Lastly, I have learned how to love myself and realize that I matter and I deserve joy and peace in this life, daily, as long as I am breathing.

Know that you aren't alone, we are just a post away. Know also that you can find calm, peace and serenity, one day at a time in this program. Take care of you and leave the rest to one who knows better - HP.

(((Hugs)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like it's been exhausting. If it's okay with you that he drinks, that's okay. You don't have to be disapproving or to leave. You can do whatever feels best. It sounds from what you say as though the worrying about "What would/will I do if he starts drinking again?" is part of what exhausted you. But right now it sounds like you'd rather stay than go. And whatever works for you, works - it's as simple as that.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

No judgments here- just take care of YOU, and be gentle with yourself. You did not cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Al-Anon is what got me to take care of me and take my focus away from the A in my life.

daze · Veteran Member

Kab I could have written your post except my AH doesn't drink in the house Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone. Way too many of us in this addiction boat just paddling away.

Kab915 · Newbie

Thank you for all the words. You all give me a lot of strength, much I can't seem to give myself just yet. Just an update, it's been three days, two of which he spent hungover, and today he went for a 6 pack. I made my first comment that he's falling off the wagon hard and he didn't take that well. But I didn't give him an answer he wanted, telling him I'm going to take care of myself and do what feels best for me. I was out of the apartment and when I came back, he's drunk and drinking more, and listening to headphones really loud. I asked him to lower it, and he FREAKED out and was very rude. All I felt like doing was laughing. He's sick, yes. Very sick, clearly. But everything about this just makes me want to laugh. Going crazy? I think I'm distancing/closing off more than detaching. This mean guy, I know. And the hatred I feel for him is deep. And seeing him again, it doesn't scare me or make me sad...it makes me want to laugh.

Is there an online meeting tonight? Could anyone tell me how to find it? I'm going to a face to face one tomorrow, but think it's time I get myself on something asap!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Yes there is a meeting tonight. Here is the address;www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

AND Meeting Schedule? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Kab...sad with you as I've been there and done that myself. Doesn't matter that my alcoholic/addict was my wife I've got others available also and what I needed to do was get more recovering people in my life more than the alcoholics and addicts and I found all of the others in the rooms of Al-Anon and here at MIP. I wanted the sane, serene and sober people in my life and that is how I did it. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book and see if you can have the Al-Anon hotline number and call it to find out when and where we get together in your area besides here on the board. Keep coming back often....(((((hugs))))) smile

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Kab,

After many Al Anon meetings, I am (usually) able to be at the point where whether my wife drinks or not is up to her. I still stress over it, but I don't try to control it, because I understand that I can't, and that takes a lot of stress out of it. I know that she is a big girl, and that decision is up to her. The decision for me to stay or leave is independent of that, because she made the decision to buy the vodka, put it to her mouth, and swallow. What I am going to do about it is a different question. I have that freedom to decide if I will stay or leave, but I can't place the blame for that decision on my wife, because that one is up to me.

Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene