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Well, it's fall and my life is crazy again with school, working two jobs, and trying to juggle everything. It's been a crazy August and I haven't been working on myself as much as I'm getting back into my busy mode.
I am getting little or no help with my A, as has been the case, even though help is "promised." Problem is, I realized this week, I can't do it all. But I have few friends willing or able to help, and I don't make enough money to hire people to help me. All of my money goes to school, bills, and the house. My A was helping over the summer, but now that I'm working again, I'm on my own again. Even though she owes me money and hasn't paid (or promises to, but doesn't follow through). I'm so frustrated.
This summer, it was my A's responsibility to take care of the lawn. She, for the most part, has done this with hired help. She's paid the bill for this, and I'm not responsible for it. Awesome. Working two jobs, I'm not around during the daytime, so I can kinda see things were getting done, but not really. So, I get a letter from the city stating that there's excessive weeds that need to be cut down in 5 days time or I have to pay a fine daily. I'm pissed. So, I get up early to check out the damage, and sure enough, the back part behind the garage has weeds that have not been taken care of all summer. And her excuse, blaming the kid cutting our grass. Some kids need instruction to where to cut. A 15 year old isn't going to know automatically. So, I tell her I am working doubles all week, and I can't do it because I'm not home during normal hours where I can run a weed whacker or can even see. So I called work to go in an hour later and sprayed the hell out of the weeds, hoping that the sun will kill the rest. I even contacted the city to let them know not to fine me and that it'll all be taken care of by Saturday. Until then, I'm not home. My A bought the weed killer, complained how expensive it was, and then said, "I can't do it cuz it'll kill me!" Dramatic! There was some poison ivy back there, but that stuff doesn't kill.
She's home much more than I am, and said to me on the phone the other day, "I'm expected to do everything!" I'm thinking, when and where? The house is trashed with her stuff (before going back to school, I cleaned up all of my stuff, but left hers....after her photo taking tirade posting it on social media to her friends to show I wasn't doing anything around the house, I have taken care of only my things.) I'm trying so hard to detach, but there are responsibilities here, and she refuses to really help, though she says she's helping. I'm trying to not rely on her so much, but unfortunately, I need help.
Last weekend, I had excruciating pain in my abdomen and had to go to the ER. I have uterine fibroids and because of all the stress and issues I'm dealing with, I had a really bad episode. It felt like one of them was about to burst. Fortunately, I was taken care of, and told to take it easy and not do much, no lifting, don't go back to work until Monday, etc. So I did that. Now, I'm having to make up for the fact that I had to take it easy. Part of my recovery is stress management. I fear that I can't do it all and all this pressure to get this and that done isn't helping.
Any suggestions, ways to ease stress despite the demands, etc. would be great. I do rely on my HP, but unless He can send a ton of angels not expecting payment, I don't know what to do to not react. It's too much right now. Thanks!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Is there someway to figure out a first thing first list? Meaning .. sometimes I have to break things down completely and totally so I can look at what is reasonable and unreasonable .. while I realize that you need money to pay bills .. is there anything that you could give up that is considered a luxury. Some times I have had to go without cable or internet so that I could make ends meet. Finding creative ways to eat .. am I spending money where I shouldn't and try to cut back there .. can I negotiate on payments with whatever bills I have?
As far as dealing with the stress for me I find it easier to say .. ok .. yes this I can give over to HP, this I have to deal with now, and this is just going to have to wait .. I tend to stick things in a compartment mentally with a sign that says sorry you have to wait. I don't forget about it .. I do let it go for a while. If it's something to go back into that compartment then it has to be given to HP. You sort this out and I'll keep an open mind for other options.
Very honestly that's just how I have had to live my life for so long at this point. I am sorry you are dealing with a lot on your plate .. I guess the best way to manage stress for me is to stay in the first thing first, how important is it, and try to stay as connected to my HP as possible.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This disease is fueled by empty promises (words) but not actions (follow through). I've accepted that that's just the way it is for someone actively in their dis-ease without treatment. It lacks logic and it can't be cured or fixed by me.
So I decided that my own happiness and inner calm would no longer depend on his words or follow through.
For example, when he would promise to take the garbage out - but didn't ( for days ) in the hot august sun and fruit flys began to develop I would use my mantra over and over again to remain calm and detached with love.
"My happiness is not tied to what he does or does not do- repeat".
In a rare moment of sobriety he mentioned how weird it was that I wasn't "nagging" him about the garbage. I calmly replied that he said he would take it out - and I knew that someday he would do that because otherwise it would eventually fill the house and we'd have to move out. He laughed and did the chore. He felt respected and encouraged. I didn't ruminate and stress out over what I knew (intellectually) was a trivial matter. My serenity was not worth the garbage. My serenity and my program are priceless!
Also what helped me tremendously was re-reading my posts. Sometimes I would print them, highlight them and pretend I was reading a friends situation vs. my own. I noticed the "but pattern" LOL. Whenever I would write "I'm working the steps, but" or "I AM trusting Hp, but" (for me) I knew that I probably wasn't really doing those things as well as I could have if I did my reading, went to a meeting and focused on the work at hand. Things always got better when I funneled my energy into those things vs. the chaos at hand.
I don't know if HP will bring in an army of angels who provide lawn / cleaning service :) - however, HP does amazing things in his/her own way and time and it's always better than what I planned on.
I hope you find your serenity today and are able to take good care of yourself. This comes with time and patience. ((hugs))
empty promises and lack of follow through, indeed.
Gabigail, I could have written your post myself a few months ago. I am working two jobs, was going to school full time as well, spent 2 hours a day commuting, and had all the responsibility of household things (laundry, cooking, bills, pets, yard, etc.) on my shoulders. Meanwhile, my AW spends time with her mom, with her friends, asks me for money to go to coffee shops since she isn't drinking and needs a place to be while I am working, plays computer games, insists that the mess in the house is caused by my clutter, and promises that she will take care of the house when it is easy to clean.
I entered this insane pattern over the years of sitting down with her, saying, "look, I cannot keep up with all this stuff. Let's make a list, agree on who will do what, and work together on this" reaching a workable agreement and logical plan, and then being astounded that nothing got done and I was doing everything again.
For me, what helped this time was saying to myself "ok, x, y, and z need to happen. make a plan for how you are going to do x, y, and z, and leave AW out of it." I had a few months of exhaustion and overwork while I dealt with the backlog of "stuff" but now that I am on the other side, maintaining things is doable and I can manage. For me, the hardest part was giving up the idea that I ought to have a partner to help me. Once I detached enough to say, ok, AW is responsible for herself, and I am responsible for figuring out how to make my life manageable and enjoyable, I tried a few different routines, and settled on one that works well. I go about my plan and my routine with or without her commentary and participation, and that makes a big difference for me.
The other thing that I have done that has helped me out A LOT is to write tasks on pieces of paper, create folders for each day of the week and a folder for "next month" and a folder for "later". I sort the tasks into their appropriate folders, and then I am only allowed to think about or worry about the tasks that are in today's folder. My work schedule is in today's folder, too. If the cats need litter and getting cat litter is in Friday's folder, I am not allowed to worry about it on Thursday. This physically putting tasks in specific days has been really useful for me. I have looked at the task, said "this is important and I know I have time on Friday to handle it," and made a plan. Friday morning, I open Friday's folder, and away I go. Everything that belongs to Friday is in the folder. Everything that does not belong to Friday is not. At the end of the day, I look through anything that I didn't get to, and I reassign it to a different day, based on the task's importance and my schedule. (I don't just move it to the next day, I really stop to think about how important it is and when I will have time to deal with it.) It is super satisfying to see the pieces of paper with tasks written on them pile up in the recycling, too. It is a visual reminder to me about how much I have really done and how much progress I have made.
(((hugs))) to you. This will get better with time and program practice.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Expectations, expectations, expectations. If you have no expectations, then you are not hurt when she gives nothing. Maybe you can be glad when she gives "breadcrumbs".
-- Edited by maryjane on Thursday 3rd of September 2015 01:37:07 PM
Yes stress just adds up and up and then manifests in phsycial symptoms/conditions. I feel for you as I know how hard it is trying to maintain jobs, a house other responsibiliites while living with an A. What saved me at my lowest times was hitting the gym and going to meetings. If you aren't a member of a gym, try and get outside to take a walk or a run so you can clear your head.
I liked what Maryjane said about expectations. I have had to adjust my expectations with my AH as I realized they were set for someone who wasn't dealing with this disease. I also found that my expectations were high with other people that weren't As. So through this al anon process I have learned that I need to give people a break and not have these super high expectations that they probably can't achieve.
Hope you are feeling better and your stress level decreases. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my experience being with an A is like taking care of a six-year-old. Maybe a four-year-old. They might agree to do this or that but it isn't going to happen unless you're standing over them making them do it. It's not like a marriage so much as like an adoption. I've had to say to myself, "I'm just a single person with a kid to take care of." The kid being the A.
Of course that raises the question of why we've chosen to continue being with this adult who always behaves just like a little kid. "Why don't they...?" has an alternate question which is "Why do we...?" Food for thought for all of us.
Mattie - I love the image you paint with the example of "it isn't going to happen unless you're standing over them MAKING them do it", as if they are indeed six.
I realized I wanted to stop being my AH mother and start (someday) being his lover and wife in an equal partnership of intimacy.
We are still in the infant stages, but I promise - these tools work in time and if you keep practicing and working them the changes begin slowly.
I am in a much happier and more peaceful place now that I have 6 months under my belt. It works if you work it.
Thank you everyone for the helpful advise, etc. I will embrace the line "my happiness is not dependent on...." (Fill in the blank) and losing my serenity over .... is not worth it either. As I head into my birthday this weekend, I will be sure to treat myself and make sure I have a happy birthday. A lot of my recovery is changing my mind, my perspective, and my expectations. I never realized that maybe my expectations were too high...I do that in the classroom, but never realized that for my relationships.
It's funny, this week I have a 3 year old in my class (I teach preschool) and I saw a lot of her in me and how I've been reacting. Every time something went wrong, she would meltdown and scream "I can't do this!" And I would remind her to breathe and take a step back and it would instantly calm her down. And I had a little tap tap from my HP reminding me how I react and how it makes me an emotional, tired mess. My kids teach me so much!
So as far as the lawn was concerned, I contacted the city and they just told me to let them know when the lawn is done. Simple. That brought much relief.
Since its so hot outside tonight, I will organize my "to do" folder, prioritizing what needs to be done. I love being Ă¼ber organized like that, and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. I guess I have forgotten about that!
I do have a lot on my plate. I do realize I need to prioritize my recovery the most. Though I have been working the program, I do have a ways to go. It is one step at a time, though. Thank you all again!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
