The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The difference between pity and compassion pity elevates me, compassion is empathy for anothers humanness ~ Al-anon.
Pity, is a feeling of sorrow for the misfortune of others. For example I felt great pity for those affected by the Ebola virus. Pity, can sometimes be confused with love, in
cases of those who continual chose others who are needy and dependent. Pity is sometimes confused with sympathy, which is to feel sorry for those in pain.
Self-Pity, is very destructive to relationships. Wilde said about hatred, and I think actually hatred's a subset of self-pity and not the other way around - ' It destroys everything around it, except itself '. Self-pity is best described as excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles. When I blame someone else for something, I give up my power to them. Self-pity is also characteristic of martyrdom.
Compassion is a profound feeling that is prompted by anothers suffering and the need to help those who are suffering. I believe that it takes great compassion to be a good nurse. Also, compassion is to show great understanding for anothers humanness, like the Al-anon organization and the membership here on MIP.
Empathy, for me, is a shared understanding for someone that is suffering. I empathize with my AH, which means I understand what the disease of alcoholism is and how it affects him. When I empathize, I no longer am angry or resentful, I am now able to think clearly, work on my recovery, and detach with empathy. Empathy is walking a mile in someone elses shoes.
Needed to understand what pity, self-pity, compassion and empathy were so that I could be more effective when doing my moral inventory in step 4. Could better see where I lacked empathy and possessed too much self-pity, which was blocking my growth and understanding of alcoholism and of myself. I searched my motives and came to the conclusion that I was acting more out of fear and guilt for myself then I should be and asked HP for his help, in overcoming. This was a big step for my growth and return to sanity and I now take one day at a time because I am not alone. So grateful for Al-anon and MIP.
Wishing you all a wonderful day today.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
((((Debb))). I do believe that prior to Al-Anon I knew the definition of all these words but I did not have the tools , to pick up healthier attitudes or behaviors.
For example, I did not know that having expectations of others, making myself and my needs invisible, taking care of others, was unhealthy. Due to my confused beliefs, I was hurt and overwhelmed by my husband's behavior and the destructive feelings of "self-pity"were born. I thought I was exhibiting love and he was not . Since I have no other tools to live by, I blamed my sadness and unhappiness on him and did not think to look at myself.
Al-Anon showed me a different way- it said your beliefs are false. You are responsible for your own feelings, yourself, and your actions. Regardless of what anyone else does, I can still have love and compassion for them without abandoning myself. That sounded like a tall order, but Al-Anon showed me the way.
I had to learn to walk the walk of true love with compassion and not merely talk the talk. My former ways were all self-centered Al-Anon ways our HP centered -- what a huge difference.
Thanks for the topic
Debb-
Thanks for this post. I need it, since I'm currently in self-pity mode.
Besides working the steps, was there anything else to help you get to this place? How do you take care of yourself and still love and empathize with your A? I have been relying on my HP, but there are times I'm so isolated and need help, and I can't do it all, but seem to be expected to. Right now, I'm such a mess! I really feel if I can get out of this cycle of self-pity and "if only I did this" or all the regret from the past, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm in a bit of not being thankful for the situation I am in because I'm so deep in a mess. Thanks for your wisdom and guidance.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Gabigail, the steps, especially 1-4 were really my main guidance. You must be open and honest while you work those steps. But the main focus I had while working the steps was: (1) My love of my husband and the good things that he did for me (not just the bad); (2) That my husband has a disease that was causing him great harm and although I know it is up to him to stop drinking, it is a lifetime long disease that is progressive and sometimes fatal; (3) Tried not to focus on the all the bad in our marriage; (4) The most important things that I kept in mind at all times was that I was not responsible for his drinking, did not deserve to be mistreated and could not make him stop drinking (no matter what he said); (5) Having empathy for his disease was very important; (6) Detachment with love and empathy were easy after coming to terms with the disease; (7) Realizing the I am not the center of the universe; (8) That I played a role the dysfunctional aspects of the marriage, by engaging my AH when he created the alcoholic chaos. (9) My strong faith in HP to take care of me. Please go gentle on yourself, all this takes time! It took me a good year to grasp and see the effects of working these steps. The most important thing is for you to realize that you are not part of the disease, that you did not cause it, that you cannot control it and that you cannot make the A in your life stop. It was very important to me, through all the step work to know that the focus was on me, that I had to come to terms with my role in the chaos, when I engaged the A in my life and allowed him to suck me into his rage. Do not allow that to happen. Do not react, just observe and if he is confrontational, do not allow the As disease to abuse you or degrade you, walk away. Sooner or later it will begin to slowly stop. Depend on yourself for your own happiness and go to your meetings for the support you need from people who understand what you are going through.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
While pondering Gabigail's questions. I do believe that while understanding Al-Anon terms, is extremely helpful- What really counted toward my recovery was understanding that life,and recovery in Al-Anon is all a process, and that by using all of Al-Anon's tools recovery will occur gradually in HP's time.
Working the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings often, learning how to stop blaming and judging others, keeping the focus on myself, examining my motives, placing principles above personalities, I am able to see tremendous changes in the way I interact and respond to situations.
I do not believe Al-Anon can be taught, that is why we share our experience strength and hope and stress the fact that we are all equals, with no leaders. Each one has their own Higher Power and the ability to go inward, using Al-Anon tools to find the answers.
Thank goodness if it had not been so I would have bolted a long time ago.
Thanks for this Debb. My "Ah-ha" moment was seeing that self-pity destroys everything around it but itself. That is the truth. Self-pity abounds, surrounds and feeds on itself in a ruminating fashion for me until I step back and hand that over to HP, knowing it's only useful to keep me sick.
Thank you Debb...A lot of my family and friends see how dealing with my AH has affected me but not until recently with the unfortunate life changing event of the death of one of my sisters. When she first got sick, shortly after I started going into a down spin. It didnt make sense...As she got worse and then passed it totally destroyed me..but as the doctor said this cannot all be from your sister. With her passing it brought everything else I had been dealing with over the years to a head...I know sooner or later it probably would have anyway. And they say awww poor debs and so sorry this is happening to you deb..blah blah...I dont want their pity or empathy, because I let this happen to me...I was always the strong sister, and I let this happen to me. So here I am...trying to make it unhappen and trying to get my life back to a so called normal. I love my husband very much...and I too try very hard to think of the good... which there is a lot of good in him...How many people do you know that stop for a stranger who has a flat tire and goes and buys them an new tire, or fills someones gas tank because they can only put $5 worth in their tank...he is a good man...to others and even to me when he is sober. He is worth waiting for and hoping and praying for. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut...today he is drinking, and it is taking every bit of power in me to not say a word about it...ha! but thank God for al-anon it has consumed me and I just head for this board and start reading. because I know I am not alone...
Thanks Debb - I appreciate all the work and time you're putting in to MIP as I am certainly reaping the rewards of that investment these last few weeks. I couldn't have done any of this without all of you.
I'm a day late......but love this post and the discussion. All of the concepts Debb has written about are truly well defined and for me, being aware of what I am doing is half the battle of changing and finding peace/comfort.
Gabigail - I feel your stress and anxiety and have been there. Betty and Debb brought many items to share about how to 'get beyond it' and that's a great list of actions/steps to consider. For me, I had to see my truth - which was....I am behind. I am backlogged. I am overwhelmed. I had to leave the causes and reasons in the past and continue to turn them over to my HP as no matter what the cause, it was not going to change the current state of truth.
Once I was able to identify and define the problem, I had to apply some reality. That included very simple facts such as I am one person; I can't do the work of any more than one. This situation did not happen in a week, I can't fix it in a week. I am doing my best to get caught up and be current. I must tackle this 'mess' one day a time.
I am a visual person, so I have to do some writing. I also am a process person, so chunking down issues, chores, problems, etc. helps me to 'see' what I can manage/change and what I can not.
When I get myself into a 'tizzy' over what's not done or what's not getting done, I find that a quick and simple gratitude and assets list is helpful as the first step of action for that day. I would have been lost when I first got started in Al-Anon without a sponsor. She has helped me to 'see' that Rome was not built in a day. We've all heard it, but truly seeing that and living that is a priceless gift.
(((Hugs))) to all - great topic and great discussion everyone - thanks for that!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm with Deb, I understood the definition of the terms but did not have the skill set to pull myself out of self-pity, I could not seem to detach enough to stay in empathy rather than be in sympathy where I would get manipulated.
One thing I that hindered me was thinking that Love was necessary to detachment-I personally wish they would drop that phrase "Detach with love" as though it were one word.. and just let detachment (which is neither...kind nor unkind) be detachment. It would have made the process SO much easier for me had I understood that in the beginning.. Detachment is merely an acquired skill, which is the separation of emotion (like love or hate or resentment) from situations. It is practiced by many professions (Military, Law Enforcement, Medical & Others) as a means of dealing of with daily stress from a number of sources. It allows me to see situations as they are..not as I wish they were. It helps me come out of denial. It is a process and like all processes the more we practice it, the better we get at it.
Learning detachment helps me see that often the difference between a situation and a crises is me or my reaction. Today I act, rather than react and that is one of skills gained through the Al-anon program that comes from acquiring the skill of detachment.
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
