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Sorry in advance for the long post. My mother is an alcoholic and has been since I was in high school. I moved across the country from my parents after college and only visit them/they visit once a year. Every visit was riddled with anxiety and turmoil, before and during because I never knew if she would be sober or drinking secretly. I can count three visits in nine years that she was sober. My dad would never tell me ahead of time, even though I specifically asked them to multiple times. She almost ruined our wedding in 2012 because of her drinking. She's had two DUI's, at one point her driver's license, and has now lost her second job to drinking, along with all the other horrible bad decisions and cringe-worthy moments of a non-functioning alcoholic. She sobered up shortly after I became pregnant with our first child who is now 2.5 years old and I just gave birth to our second daughter this July. Because my husband was going to be deployed and I was having a c-section, she was originally supposed to come out to help me after the birth for two weeks but my dad ended up coming instead because she accepted a new job a couple months before the birth. I found out this week that in fact she is no longer sober (and hasn't been for a couple months), she lost her new job because they smelled alcohol on her breath (this is the second time this has happened) and that this happened while my dad was visiting me. Luckily, my dad convinced her that she needed to go back to rehab last week, where she will be for the next two weeks.
I'm glad that she is getting help again, but I'm concerned about how we handle visitations from here on out. I can't help but be thankful that plans changed and she didn't come, I would've been even more devastated and it would've been disastrous if she had been visiting us to help with my two young children when she was in fact not sober. My dad after getting through telling me about her recent problems and that she is in recovery, tells me that it's killing her not being able to spend any time with our newborn daughter (keep in mind she didn't visit because she took a new job, not because I said she couldn't) and he is hoping they can plan a trip to visit us after the first of the year. I immediately went into panic/anxiety mode...my mother has spent most of the last 15 years not sober (although I'm thankful for the last almost three sober years we had). I immediately told him she could not visit us here if she wasn't sober and he promised that he wouldn't let that happen. But I'm still concerned that she will either fall off the wagon while here (that has happened and tends to happen when they travel/vacation) or we will have to find somewhere else to stay while visiting them for the same reason. I don't want to expose my children to her if she's not sober, but I can't cut her out of our life without also punishing my dad because he won't visit us without her normally. My brother and sister-in-law live nearby them and they have much looser boundaries (my 11 year old nephew is allowed to visit, spend the night/weekend if my dad is there, and have her over to visit regardless if she is sober or not). I just don't think either of my parents realize how much I just don't trust her (although I've been pretty vocal about that) and that I don't want to be "trapped" visiting them or hosting them for 1-2 weeks. I know they will look at it as "but she's finished rehab and been sober for X number of days," but I need them to understand that to me that is not enough. I already know I don't want her coming here to "help" with the kids as originally planned ever or unsupervised kind of visits, but I just don't know how to deal with her now that she is back to square one and we have children. I don't know if this is coming out of anger and resentment, but I almost feel that I don't want her in and out of my kids' lives all the time and would almost prefer her to stay out of them altogether if she can't stay clean. How do I establish reasonable boundaries with them now that small children are in the picture and these visits are long distance?
-- Edited by somersas on Wednesday 2nd of September 2015 06:17:32 PM
Somersas, welcome to MIP and thank you for sharing with us your worries concerning your mother and exposure to your children. Your anger and resentment are understandable and you are well within your rights to set boundaries. Al-anon is a program for the families of alcoholics to help them learn new ways to deal with the dysfunction that is created due to the drinking. We learn, in Al-anon that alcoholism is a progressive and chronic disease that can only be arrested by abstention. We also learn that we cannot control, cure or are the cause of the alcoholic's drinking. We learn to have empathy and compassion for the alcoholic, due to the disease, so that we can detach with love, therefore, we are able to lose the anger and resentment. Once we are able to lose the resentment, we can make better decisions about boundries and separation with a much clearer mind. I would suggest that you join a local Al-anon chapter http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings Please keep coming back to talk with us, because the board has many experienced and caring members and we would love to hear from you again.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome Ashley I too would also like to urge you to search out alanon meetings in your community and attend. In fact, you might even suggest that your father and brother also consider checking out the recovery program that has helped millions world wide who live with the disease of alcoholism.
The first lesson I accepted is that Alcoholism is a disease over which I am powerless. I can certainly draw boundaries to protect myself and my children and since I am powerless over the alcoholic and people places and things, I must make sure that these boundaries are sensible and reasonable.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings offered me valuable tools and insights into living with and dealing with a person who is affected by this disease. I can have compassion and empathy and still be able to say what I mean mean what I say without saying it mean.
Face-to-face meetings are tremendous asset to recovery. Please keep coming back
somersas - I too welcome you to MIP! I also encourage you to get active with Al-Anon. It was only through this program that I learned how to detach properly with love and how to set boundaries that were protective and not punitive.
(((Hugs))) to you for what you are going through. You are not alone! Congrats. on your new baby too - what a miracle babies are!
Most importantly for right now, try to be gentle with you and know that we all work to just stay in the moment/day - one day at a time. It makes life so much easier to deal/manage.
Glad you are here and thanks for your post! We're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
