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pulling my hair out here though not as much as 15 months ago when i began ALANON. I know we are supposed to give AH dignity etc but he gets such a sense of entitlement. He thinks it ok that he keeps me from sleeping and it ruins my heath but if he is sleeping off a wicked binge, everthing has to be quiet and anything he wants etc has to be adhered to.
My birthday is friday and this makes the 3rd one that is depressing because of the trap im in. His family is covering some of my expenses but i still cant get away. Its so deceptive, the 1 wk in a month he is sober and things go well. I keep praying to HP to let me see what i can do next. :{
my AH just tthinks i should make sure he has cigs and what he wants to eat etc even though he is hung over from the thousandth binge....
that is soooo the dang disease I'm just telling you it's crazy. I can relate a similar sense of entitlement in terms that my XAH just figures with the kids I'll just work it out. Never mind what he pays me in child support yearly to the thousands I pay on top of what my portion because if I paid what he did trust me the kids wouldn't have the basics. He is absolutely not paying what he's suppose to pay and it's mind blowing. If the kids try to talk to him about it .. oh .. I pay that out of my child support I don't know how your mom spends that money however it's not on you. WHATEVER!!!
So yes, as the disease speaks it's all about them and it's maddening and that's why I am soo glad I have alanon to remind me it's really not personal and where if I want to step up I can because I always have choices it's up to me to come to the answer for myself be it through prayer, meditation, talking to a sponsor, working a step .. it is always up to me. At some point it totally does come back and bite them in the butt and it's sad when it happens because it's like watching the movie Titanic and knowing how it ends and yet there I sat through the movie.
Big hugs my friend, you will get through this because if you are leaving I mean .. he's going to drink or not drink .. I think he can figure out how to get his own cigs and food and so on .. that's MY personal opinion on that matter. I know there is more than one reason I'm not longer married as well .. LOL.
S :)
PS - Happy early birthday and I hope you do something really nice for yourself regardless of what your AH is or isn't doing. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sorry to hear of your frustration. Learning to detach from the erratic and narcisstic behavior of my A is so difficult, and depending on the day and the behavior, sometimes much more difficult than others. Not sure if this will help or not, but here it goes ...
I know one of the things that always helps me when I start feeling the way you do is to recall a Story from the daily Reader 'Courage to Change'. It tells the story of a man that sits down under a tree in which there are pigeons roosting. The Pigeons did to him what pigeons do ... and he became furious with the pigeons and stormed off, unable to enjoy a relaxing moment under the shady tree
Then he realizes that what the pigeons had done was simply what pigeons do. They didn't do it just because he had chosen to sit down under the tree. The next time he found himself wanting to sit down under a shady tree and relax he checked the tree for pigeons first before doing so.
For me that was a break through concept in so many ways. It's a disease, and as such, Alcoholics are going to do what alcoholics do. Getting angry and resentful at them for that is as productive as getting mad at the pigeon for pooping on my shirt when I choose to sit down under a branch it's roosting on. It also helped me to understand that I have a role too ... I don't have to allow the pigeon to crap on me by choosing not to sit down under one roosting on a branch. All of us have to decide for ourselves what it means in our life to 'check the tree for pigeons before we sit under it' ... but I do know we can choose to sit down under it or not ... and weather to become resentful when we do, and the pigeon does, what the pigeon is going to do.
Dave2554, what a neat analogy you posted for YarnC, I just love it! {{YarnC}}, I can fully understand your frustration with the lack of care and respect that you are experiencing from your AH. But you are still expecting that he owes that to you. He is not capable of giving you what you need and expect, because he has a disease which only allows him to think of himself. So it is best to not sit under that same tree and expect not to get pigeon poop on you. I would rely on myself, and those I know who care about my happiness and rely less on AH. {{HUGS}} and happy birthday!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I have a 35 yr old AD who has this same sense of entitlement and completw lack responsibility for her own self (she hasnt worked in years, men pay her bills).
While I don't support her financially, I have trouble with the disgust and revulsion I feel when she tells me all her trials snd tribulations (was supposed to meet her present boyfriend to get her rent money yesterday but slept 16 hrs straight, never woke up til today). I rarely take her phone calls as she either talks 90 miles an hour andmakes no sense, starts name calling or attacking me for things she alleges were done to her in the past, or slurs so badly I can't understand.
I think my AH "pigeon" only knows one song by heart (ahem -clears throat) "ME, ME, ME, ME!" there is no fa la la la la in his song book :)
It makes sense though - to remain an active addict (considering body and mind are completely obliterated by these addictions) one MUST demand that / manipulate and coerce others do for them to maintain their status quo of using.
After I handed my pigeon his belongings and $300 to get him off to a good start on his very own - It was utter SHOCK AND AWE. He couldn't FATHOM that this was happening. (Mind you he'd been to treatment and we'd been to counseling and he knew my boundaries because he signed a behavior contract).
His words were "Well what will I do when this is gone Jenny"? "Who will cut my hair if you don't"? sniff sniff.
I assured him that he was grown, able bodied, employed and capable of doing for himself and I wished him the very best.
And - he did all of those things and went back to AA and respected himself a little more as well as me for doing what I said I was going to do (finally).
This is not the only way to set boundaries and this is not a recommendation that anyone do what I did. Rather, remember the disease. Remember our part in it. Ask what can we do differently and then respectfully do that.
I hope you've heard that still small voice today and that HP shows you exactly what you can do next friend!
I can relate......I used to get so frustrated when my qualifiers got stuck in the ME mode......as I've worked this program, I now just see it as part of the disease and pray for them when it's obvious their perception is so far removed from reality. As I got healthier in Al-Anon, I was able to better 'say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean'. As I got better at detaching, I get better at boundary-setting. With each phase of growth in this program, I've gained a new strength to truly separate their 'fiction' from fact and to QTIP - quit taking it personally. While the nastiness, and selfishness at times sting, it doesn't define them or me - it's just the disease raising itself up.
I'm so sorry that it's got you down for the moment. So glad you posted and hope you get ESH that will get you through this moment. Keep the focus on you and step up your program work and you will prevail! As with all things, this too shall pass and you will get to the other side!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can so relate to what you're saying, not that I have any good advice for you. I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain. My A is a horrible grouch when he's trying to sleep. Everyone is expected to be quiet no matter how late in the day he is sleeping. Sorry for what you are going through. I'm going through it too and it sucks.
I think my AH "pigeon" only knows one song by heart (ahem -clears throat) "ME, ME, ME, ME!" there is no fa la la la la in his song book :)