The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i recently started therapy... Because I'm having so much anxiety dealing with my life.
I am married to a functioning alcoholic.. he works for days at a time ( stays at work 3 & 4) days at a time. He comes home in evening and brings home 3 24oz beers 2 shots of whatever.... To relax from being gone. I live with my daughter who is also a alcoholic and drug addict. She has 2 children and a deceased husband (from drugs and alcohol) I work only 3 days a week and on husbands days off so we always know someone is there for kids... He is an evening drinker....I used to drink with husband... I got tired of being alone... I have decided with having the kids and my desire to change how I live ( as a Christian) that I won't go to bars nymore. Alcohol is ruining my life... My husband refuses to admit he has a problem, daughter admits and has been to rehab... But still drinks... Tries not to... I am stuck because I love my grandsons. I don't know how to stay married... Not be angry all the time or just cry all the time... Making it hard to work...husband is mad because I won't go out with him... He calls it a no fun life.... I work usually til 8 at night... So I hate evenings... Because I never get sober conversation... He is upset with daughter... They don't get along at all... I just don't know how much more I can stand...I just don't know what to do... It's so hard to convey everything without sounding crazy... Husband is not a bad guy, doesn't beat me or yell... Just drinks to much. Won't not drink so daughter can be here around sober person. So frustrated... Any ideas for help ....
Welcome Pln. First, thank you so much for your share. As you read through the board I think you will find that there are many similar stories and experiences here.
I'm so glad that you're taking care of yourself by going to therapy and coming here. In Alanon, we don't give advice in the traditional "here's what you should do" way. Rather, we share our own experiences, use the tools of this program, listen to those who have been working their program for a long time and ultimately we find the answers for ourselves.
Alanon is all about shifting the focus from others and putting it back onto ourselves so that we can begin to heal and change our own behaviors, as we cannot change any one else's.
I hope that you keep coming back - for me this program has absolutely changed my life, and has replaced anxiety with serenity and hope.
What a jumbled mess...
My question is how do you attain peace... For me or children 7 & 9 yo boys. I've tried saying no alcohol in the house... He still bringing it... She sneaks it.... Just too much arguing going on....I live in small town... So trying to come up with ideas for things to do that doesn't include alcohol... Been trying for biking... Like a club... People fun?? I'm trying to not get a divorce or be forced to seek custody of kids.... Im just at a loss...
I'm guessing that one important thing you're asking is the question we'd all like answered, which is "How do I stop them drinking and end the chaos?"
Sadly, if there were a way to stop others drinking, one of the millions affected by drinking would have found it by now. In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it."
Often we think that if we can't stop the drinking, we're condemned to live in the insanity forever. But the good news is that we aren't! We can have happy and serene lives even if the drinkers keep on drinking. Some stay with their drinkers, some don't - there are all kinds of families and arrangements. It takes our own recovery - learning the tools of Al-Anon, going through the steps, getting the Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH) of other members, reading the material. It's not as simple as "Do X and Y and problem solved," but I think everyone on this board who has been working their program will tell you of the miracles in store.
Do you have a local meeting? You can find one in your White Pages or online. There are also online meetings here.
How I attained peace is by shifting my focus. I found that if I DO something like take the kids out, stay at a friends house, change my shift at work, take a second job - it was a bandaid to a much deeper problem AND I resented having to DO all of those things to keep me / us away from the AH.
So, I too went to therapy and began to work this program. None of this happened overnight and it isn't "cured" over night. It's taken about 6 months of hard work in my program but I've now found an Internal Peace that I've never had before.
I've stopped meddling in his life. I've stepped off the crazy train and merry-go-round of the disease. But mostly, the thing that has been most powerful for me - is that I stay on "my side of the street" and when difficulties pop up I work them out with my higher power.
My kids sense the new calm in me and the mirror it. They feel less anxious now too. They feel an inner strength that I've never had. I'm a lot freer now that I'm not policing his every move and panicking over the "what if's".
The problem wasn't the alcohol - that was the symptom of a deeper issue for us.
One day at a time meant I didn't have to worry about getting a divorce. I didn't have to worry about "will he drink on Tuesday at bowling". I only had to live in this exact moment and look no further.
I hope you can go to the online meetings here or a local one to get a sense of how to begin this process for yourself. The program really gave me my peace back.
Welcom Pin I would like to second the suggestion that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that I learned and accepted that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that could be arrested but not cured. Since this was a disease. I was powerless over it and and did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
As a result of living with the insanity of this disease. I had developed many negative coping tools that did not work. If I wanted to have a healthy environment for my children, I needed to develop healthy coping tools. Al-Anon provided that.
I learned to live one day at a time, let go of the past and not project into the future, to stop reacting and respond in a constructive manner and to allow others the right to live life a they saw fit.
I also learned to respond to situations, validate myself and not react to the insanity. Most importantly I was able to to break the isolation caused by living with alcoholics.
I urge you to seek out the meetings and to keep coming back here as well
I too welcome you as well {{Pin}} to MIP. I too felt like you, at my wits end, not knowing where to turn for peace, thinking that there had to be a way for me to fix this unbearable situation. I did discover that as I participated in Al-Anon, learned the slogans, worked the 12-steps, talked with membership and this lovely board of caring people, that there was so much that I could do to change my very sad and unhappy life with my AH, and it had to do with changing me. I am the only one who is responsible for MY happiness. Please keep coming back to talk with us. You are not alone.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Living with alcoholism is tough and more than we can cope with on our own. Reading on these boards and meeting others in similar situations to my own helped me a lot. I also tried to accept that my husband was responsible for his choices in life and that I was responsible for my own self esteem - which meant that I didn't do anything that made me feel uncomfortable - I learnt to trust my own judgement again. On a simple practical note I found that yoga and meditation helped me to stay centred on myself and my own needs (I had been inclined to focus too much on the needs of my alcoholic husband before that).
