The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page acknowledges that family situations can get to the point where we are maxed out, done, ready to catch the first wagon train heading anywhere.
There are times when we must act, particularly if safety is an issue (C2C p. 73). Outside of these extreme cases, however, AlAnon suggests that we consider how we reached our decision by asking ourselves: What is my mind state? Am I angry, resentful, confused? Are my emotions and thoughts such that I am best able to make a life altering decision? Additionally, what weight am I placing on well-intended advice given by someone without complete knowledge of my situation?
The page reminds us that this situation has likely been long in development. If it is not an issue of safety, must we make a decision right now? Or, could we pause and allow further consideration of our intended choice, along with other options? Is my intended choice of action truly best for me, children (if involved), or my partner?
Rather than force a decision or act based upon someone else's opinion, AlAnon suggests digging in to the wisdom of the program. As we may already have experienced, reading and applying AlAnon principles often leads us to a different perspective and more effective way to find serenity. Perhaps this could be the case with the choice we are considering.
The quote advises: 'Make sure that the medicine you decide on in a rash and desperate moment doesn't turn out to be worse than the malady'.
*******************
This page helped me tremendously when I first came to AlAnon. I was desperate, and thought the only way to improve my situation was to get away from my qualifier, who I felt was responsible for my pain.
Looking back, I realize that moving out at that time would have brought a measure of relief, but would have left me using the same defective tools and unhealthy perspective in all other aspects of my life. AlAnon helped me, instead, to realize that my patterns and behavior needed to be adjusted.
Following the wisdom of the program rather than my defective thinking allowed me to see the power and wisdom of AlAnon at work, and use it to make major changes in my perspective, attitudes, and behavior. It changed my life in incredibly positive ways.
This change would have had to wait if I continued doing what I was doing, and I would have kept getting what I was getting, convinced that this was because of others, not me and my choices.
I am so grateful for the wisdom and guidance of AlAnon, and the experience, strength and hope from everyone here.
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Sunday 30th of August 2015 12:27:33 PM
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks for sharing this reading, Paul and for including your wisdom in experiencing the truth of this page. I know that I was a ball or "reaction" when i came into program.
Learning how to stop, process and think really helped me to respond in a more constructive fashion and stop reacting to every situation.
Alanon is not an easy program but when I keep the focus on myself, use the tools consistently, trust HP I have found that simple changes show up unexpectedly. Thanks for your service Paul .
Thank you Paul for this very important ODAT post and your appropriate thoughts on it. When I was in the depths of dispair, my first instinct was to escape the emotional pain. But at that time I was not in the right frame of mind to be making such an extraordinary decision. I am so glad that I found and worked the Al-anon program first, because as I discovered, while working the steps, that leaving was not the right thing to do. I learned that, because I still loved my qualifier, I needed to understand the disease and my part in the chaos, learning to detach and build my self esteem were two of the most imporatnt tools that I acquired, placing my AH in his HP's hands and relying on my HP, I was able to grow and find serenity, peace and dignity.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too thank you Paul - what a powerful, powerful reading and perhaps for me one that truly helped me stop and be in the present moment. I am one who came to the program with a knee-jerk way of reacting and making decisions. It was not natural or comfortable for me to stop, consider, pray, etc. before I did anything else. It is through this program, practicing the principals and in working the steps that I became one among many who are in tough situations with no easy fix.
I also agree that a quick fix would have happened if I'd just left when it was beyond worse. However, I too would have taken all that was broken and ill within me forward, and perhaps not found this program and the remedies it provides.
I am so grateful to be walking this path with you all and for the wisdom your shares provide me. I do so much better when I start my day the Al-Anon way, filled with wisdom and hope from other program friends who are on this journey with me!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This patience with decisions is one thing that didn't make much sense to me in the beginning. Things were SO bad, and I was SO depleted, the only thing I could think of was to just get away from it all.
I reluctantly followed Alanon's advice, putting my attention & energy where it needed to be, and realizing that NOT doing something was a decision as well.
This has worked really well for me: I am not as unhappy, I am not as maxed out, I finished my degree, got a promotion at work, and HP arranged for my wife to live elsewhere for the next year or two, giving me more time to live in the moment, focus on my own recovery, and make important decisions when I am in an emotionally stable place with more fully developed tools.
Most importantly, not forcing a decision and being patent is removing the "what if" second guessing that would have occurred had I acted sooner and in haste.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you all for sharing your ESH, it's always encouraging to hear how others have benefited by putting program wisdom into practice. One of the common threads is that because of the disease, our first impulse or reaction is not always the best, especially when we first come to AlAnon.
I faced very challenging times by staying, but seeing the impact of putting AlAnon to work in the most difficult of settings instilled in me a faith in the program that became unshakeable. It works. I still think back to that example for motivation to push myself to try something that is recommended by AlAnon but uncomfortable or unnatural to me at first. Every time I have chosen AlAnon's way, it has worked.
AlAnon 897, Paul 0. And I am so OK with that...
So good to hear how AlAnon work for all of you, too...keep up the good work
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
