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i have entertained the idea of joining al anon but at the same time I think I am in denial that my stbxh is an alcoholic. I will try to be brief about my story. We met in 1997 and married in 2004, we have 2 children 10yr old girl and 5 yr old boy. HIs father, who he barley knew, passed away in 2012 and that is when things started to go down hill fast. We both drank but after his father died his drinking got worse and worse. He got a DUI and started coming home from work at times like 5am, then I found he had an extra cell phone and that he was cheating on me with a younger girl with whom he works with. Not knowing what to do and being so upset I kicked him out, he ran to her an never came back. for 2 years now I have been trying to get him to spend time with the kids and to keep up with his bills. In these same 2 years he has gotten another DUI, has no license but still drives and still drives drunk. In 2 years he has seen the kids about a dozen times or so. The last time he saw them was Thursday of last week. He hadn't seen them in over 2 months and asked for time with them, it was a week day and I was to go to work, the kids were not in school yet so they would be able to spend the whole day together which I thought was awesome so I told him to come over. He said he'd walk them to the park and help my son learn to ride a bike. When I got home he was laying on the couch, asked for some advil, kissed the kids goodbye and was on his way. I went out to the garage to start some laundry and found a huge wet spot on the floor of what smelled like beer and broken glass. He had dropped a bottle of beer and barley cleaned it up, I didn't think to much of it until when I was recycled the glass from the floor I saw an empty bottle of wine and at least 4 more empty beer bottles. As soon as I saw that I went to check my liquor cabinet and realized my bottle of whiskey (a gift to me that was unopened) was gone. I called him, asked if he took it, he said no...I asked again, he said he took it and would bring it back which he did. When I got it back i noticed he had drank about a 3rd of the bottle. I explained to him that he stole it, he said "whats the big deal you weren't going to drink it"...I said you stole from my house, do i need to check your truck to see if you took anything else? He said no but later admitted to also steeling beer from the house, which after I offered to pay for rehab he opened a beer drank some put the opened bottle in the drink holder of his vehicle and drove away.During our conversation he said he had asked the kids if they wanted to go to the park and they said no, which was a lie bc the kids said he never even offered and that he laid around all day....they somehow didn't notice all his drinking. After not seeing them for so long and then wanting too I was surprised that he squandered his time with them. He never sees them, he never calls them and we are in the process of going through mediation to get divorced. Our next mediation appointment is to outline the time with the kids...put a schedule in place for who has them when. I now do not think he can even visit them unsupervised!! I do not know how to handle this next meeting and for some reason do not want to call him out on his drinking, maybe bc it is hard to believe that it has gotten so bad?? he has never invited them to his place, he has never introduced his gf to them....he says he loves them so much but has done nothing to prove it. how do I know when to truly cut ties and give up on my children having their father as their dad? how do i handle this next mediation meeting? I'm so disappointed and confused!
Aloha Ataloss and welcome to the board...Suggestion so that you won't feel so alone with this insanity? read back over the posts from those who have come before you and then make notice of the responses from the old timers and more knowledgeable. Your situation is truly alcoholic every bit of it and I have a suggestion if you have not already considered it or are doing it. Look for the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups (ours is a family disease) in your are and call to find out where and when the very next meeting is available for you to attend and then come and join us as we learn to regain and live in sanity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not or whatever else called insanity is happening. Keep coming back here also...You're home...We're family. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you posted.
I am so sorry that you're in the place you are in. I too suggest engaging in Al-Anon - local meetings will provide you local support and program help. We're here too, but I suspect you'll need some local support with what you are facing.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. It progresses and is never cured but can be arrested through recovery and abstinence. This disease affects those who love and/or live with an alcoholic too, so it's arms have reached you and your thinking.
I agree with pinkchip - honesty is the best policy. You can't force his recovery, you can't force his relationship (or lack of) - you can't control any of what he does or doesn't do. But, you can protect you and your children. What you've described was one of my biggest fears - that my AH would drive my children drunk and/or leave them unattended while he got intoxicated. Both of those scenarios were real possibilities with where he was 'then'.
You are applying your view of your children to his reality. He's not in the same place. This program will help you understand more about the disease and will show and teach you how to live your life with grace and joy no matter what he is or is not doing.
(((Hugs))) to you - you are in a difficult place but Al-Anon can help. You are not alone!! Keep coming back...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome ataloss You a re not alone The suggestion that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend is a great one, Here you will discover that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured. AA is the recovery program fo the alcoholic and alanon is effective for family members
You see , we who live with an alcoholic also need a program of recovery as we too develop many negative coming tools that need to be shed in order for us to again embrace life with courage, serenity and restored self esteem.
Keep coming back Breaking the isolation is very important
Welcome and I am glad you have found us. I recently went through mediation with my ex, who is an alcoholic. One thing is that it's about both agreeing on something, and alcoholics (in my experience) never agree that they're alcoholic. So if you ask them to agree, for instance, not to drink during visitation, they'll say, "Sure, that's easy, 'cause I hardly drink at all anyway." They won't come clean about their alcoholism. They're in denial to themselves, so they can't be honest with anyone else.
So what I was determined to put into our child custody and visitation agreement was that I could refuse to hand over our child if there was a danger that he was or would be drunk during the visitation. I didn't want to find that he was drunk, and refuse to hand our child over, and then later be accused of violating the visitation agreement. The mediator made the point to him that this would apply to me too - if I appeared to be drunk, he could take action. This made him feel like it was more of an equal thing rather than an accusation, and he agreed, and I felt fine because I am not going to get drunk, so there's no danger there.
However, my A is a binge drinker and not a constant alcoholic, so I know that some times he will genuinely not be drinking. For someone who sounds like more of a constant drinker, like your A, you may wish to get something in place like only supervised visitation. My lawyer told me to keep notes about every incident. So maybe doing that would help in going forward.
My experience is that confronting the drinker himself leads to nothing except denials and arguments. I think we just have to do what's right to protect our kids, without expecting any buy-in from the alcoholic.
