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Why do alcoholics have to scare their children? My son just told me that his father has been getting bloodwork done last week because he thinks he has stomach cancer. My son said that 'dad is convinced he is dying'. Why do they burden their children with these things? I told my son that it is most likely a side effect from the increased drinking and that more will be revealed and that the only thing we can do is pray. I know this is just par for the course, but some days I have a hard time zipping my lip, staying on my side of the street, and doing damage control. Just needed to vent!!!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
It just makes you want to tear your hair out, doesn't it?
I have a friend much like this. A new hangnail means she has finger cancer and she's going to die. I'm sure she wonders why people aren't more sympathetic when it's clear she's going to die!!!!
I think people like your XAH and my friend think, "At last it's all about me! Because I deserve all the pity there is in the world!"
After a while even their kids catch on to their ways. And we all know the story about crying wolf.
It just defies belief sometimes.
You modelled a rational response so well. It's very good for your son to have one parent who's an adult!
Sister as I stand back and look at the picture I see maybe it is done so that your children will come back to the saner lovelier mother for a calmer understanding. They will learn more from your detached, composed, saner responses than anyone else. The consequences are a whole lot better. Hug em...pat them on the butt and tell them HP will reveal more in time. ((((Hugs))))
We all know it is about attention, the same with your XAH. You responded in a rational way to your children and your XAH will have to do some explaining when his results come back that it his drinking is causing his stomach problems. He can only cry wolf just so many times before your kid's will catch on!! ((HUGS))
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
And, the funny thing is: he has a new woman he is dating (XAH) and is going away for Labor Day weekend. Must not be that sick, LOL!
My son did also reveal to me that his father hates me and that he continues to tell my son that I abandoned him and that I no longer will make him a priority, etc. My son said he doesn't know who to trust these days. I told him to trust God and himself and to go with what he knows. If he doesn't trust me, that's ok, I can handle it. But, I also told him that what his father said wasn't the truth as I see it. I'm so glad we have him in counseling; I really hope it helps him gain some perspective of his own.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Hugs))) to you - so sorry your boy has to deal with 'this'.....Stay true to yourself and your program and he will figure it out as he goes forward.
As best I see it, you've done a fabulous job with your responses!! I find it so unsettling when a child/ren are put into play in a divorce/separate household scenario.
Take care of you and he as you are, and let go of the rest....be grateful you've moved on to a way better place...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am grateful, unfortunately the alcoholic will always be a part of my life in some way. It's just hard now to see that he's doing to my son what he did to me for years. My son will have some important decisions to make moving forward but for now he is at his dad's mercy because XAH drives him around to counseling, tutoring, etc while I work full time. '
Good news is: my son finally got his driver's permit and should be driving on his own in 6 months when he passes the driving test. I'm hoping that this will give him the chance at more freedom, a chance to manage his schedule better, etc. And, I'm just amazed at how well he's adapted to all this change so far. He's had some setbacks and emotional breakdowns but really, he seems like he's on top of things and we're managing schedules pretty well for now!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Congrats. to your boy on getting his permit! I am sure he's excited! I meant to mention (and forgot to do so) - it is awesome that he feels comfortable coming to you with what's said and discussed at the 'other place'. Sometimes I've seen children who are full of fear and then hold all this in. It is a gift that he's got a sane parent, so keep taking care of you.
Your photo is stunning! What a great photo and you look at peace! Be proud - you are beautiful!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Adromeda))) It is not an easy road that we, the family of alcoholics must walk. You and your son are doing well. Prayers and positive thoughts go out for a positive outcome to this latest issue.
I airways find it interesting that the X's who have moved on can't let go. I get do frustrated however just try and not say anything. He's an alcoholic that's the reason why. It's the attention as well as throwing the poop so it doesn't smell so bad by him even though he's sitting in poop and it still stinks. I see it as guilt defection. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I think one facet of the disease of alcoholism is like this sociopathic narcissism. Very self centred and manipulative.
That's why he says these things to your son, from stomach cancer to trashing you. He doesn't actually care about your son's feelings or mental wellbeing. Your son is a means to an end for him. He's never going to operate with your son's best interest at heart cos he's sick, left to his own devices, and not actually capable. These are carefully aimed barbs thrown to weave a specific web and get a specific response. Alcoholics might think and even believe they love people but I think the disease warps their behavior all round. And they're good at it. It's hard to spot what's happening when you're young and it's your parent. He'll figure it out. He's well positioned with you as a parent.
Onward!
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Amdromeda, my a father has been on deaths door for a good 20 years possibly more. Swears he is dying to all his children. Last year, he decided to up the ante and declare my mother ( whom divorced him 30 years ago) is dying of cancer. Those siblings who've never had recovery role modelled, ate it up hook Lin and sinker without even questioning it. I'm not sure what's sadder, the alcoholic or his tribe of cheif enablers/scapegoats/devotees. Your son is so fortunate to have you and recovery through you. Keep on keeping on!
I'm really sorry you've been dealt the hand you have. But as a poker player I have to say, you're playing that hand VERY well. I hope I can handle curve balls like you're doing as my kids grow and potentially get dragged into things I don't want them getting dragged into. It sounds like your ex is desperate for some attention, whether he's dying or not. The mother of my ex AW is pulling this crap with my ex as we speak. Just this past weekend she had bronchitis and claims "I'm dying...I want to die." Which is having the desired effect: All four of her daughters are dropping everything to be with their "dying" mother. Anyone that doesn't jump to the music will be judged harshly, because what kind of human being can refuse someone that's dying? And what do I know? Maybe it's true, and I'm re-arranging my child custody arrangement to accommodate my ex, just in case. But if we're singing this same tune a year from now....
Good luck. I think your patience and faith will be rewarded.
Lovely picture