The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother is an alcoholic who can stay sober for a year or so then starts drinking again.
This time around I'm feeling and behaving very differently about it, and it feels strange.
Even though I know there's a real chance that she will die this time, I'm not doing anything to try to stop it, change the situation or help her.
Recently my grandmother called and asked me to go round and check on my mum to make sure she wasn't, indeed, dead, so I did. When I arrived she immediately said she wanted to go to hospital to dry out. I called the hospital who told me there are no beds (if it was a cardiac arrest they'd find a bed) and I called the doctor on call who said she wouldn't help because she's never handled alcoholism before. So then I called mum's AA friends. She met them when she was in prison and they were bringing AA meetings in. They live a couple of hours drive away. I also contacted a local AA guy a few days later, to ask if theirs is an open meeting so that I could come and get a sense of the steps etc.
The AA friends suggested a particular detox center.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Saturday 22nd of August 2015 08:42:19 PM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Sorry, I'm doing this on my phone and it's not working very well, thus all the edits and split post. It's glitchy.
So where was I?
All the AA people recommended detox rehab places and gave me instructions about how to get the ball rolling.
Usually I would have interfered and made all the appointments and arrangements but this time I'm not. I've conveyed the information to mum and left the rest up to her. The end.
She has been trying to get help from doctors with no success. There actually is no help here but that's a whole other story.
That's the only contact I've had with her apart from when she called the other night crying that she was going to die. It didn't have the same effect on me as usual. I just felt kind of neutral and it didn't throw me way off center all night. I listened to her then said she could call an ambulance like she'd been suggesting, and that was it.
It's strange to be detached. I don't entirely know where it came from. It feels like my fundamental belief system has ruptured. I don't know what's right and wrong.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Hi hiraeth, thank you for your share. With the changes AlAnon helped me make in my thinking and behavior toward my qualifier, I noticed a huge difference in how I felt when faced with drinking behavior and consequences. Knowing that I did not cause it, could not cure it, and certainly could not control it lifted a tremendous weight from my shoulders.
No more of the intense range of emotions and desperate flurry of actions intended to save her. The calm I felt was an unexpected, but very welcome change. My belief system did indeed rupture, but it was flawed to begin with and based on a hopeless premise: that I could control alcohol. The upgrade was AlAnon, and it has delivered amazing results.
Sometimes, in the absence of the chaos that typically surrounds alcohol, we may feel uncomfortable in the calm that AlAnon based decisions can bring (C2C p. 248). This feeling is predicted, however, in Serenity Prayer, a reminder that Serenity is granted when I accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and use the wisdom from the program to know the difference.
The program works, and for that I am so grateful. So glad you are here, keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Program is working Hiraeth.
Trust HP that if mom is capable of calling you for help she is also capable of calling 911. My son would call cabs to take him to detoxs 50 miles away, get there change his mind and return home in the same cab-- Had I gone with him it would not have mattered.
The head of the rehab tried to stop him once and was nearly badly hurt in the process.
Hiraeth, sounds like you care but are not longer controlling, this is good!! Good because no one
can control or manipulate an alcoholic into rehab. You did the right thing by supporting but
not controlling. I belief that the chaos/drama are no longer there but the caring is, that is a
good thing!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
This Alanon business is breathtakingly powerful stuff! I'm in awe of it, to be honest. I've hardly had to do anything for it to bring about really tangible changes in me. I'm so lucky. That in itself feels weird. What, something in this world does genuinely help???!!! You mean to tell me there is help?! Paradigm breaking.
Seriously, the program itself, the words and the spirit, must be infused with HP. It's the only explanation. I'm still bumbling through but something has changed, alanon has taken on a life of its own within me (??)
It hasn't been easy so far - recognizing that my whole world approach and belief system has been askew has been frightening and disconcerting. A lot of things I've identified with were false. It's rocky but it's growth. Something is helping me. Something kind.
You guys are its voices and ambassadors :)
I'm thinking of calling the head office and seeing if it's possible to find a sponsor I can communicate with over the phone. Being isolated doesn't have to be a barrier.
Debb,thank you for helping me distinguish the difference between caring and controlling. I really appreciate that you made that distinction out loud for me. That was part of my 'this feels weird' confusion. I do care, but after reading the alanon ideas about being unable to control it etc, it's impossible for me to emotionally latch on to the outcome of mum's drinking spree and I literally don't have the juice or the drive to get in there and meddle.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
I had been worrying that this meant I didn't care. I was going into some black and white thinking. Anyway, point is, Debb that was really helpful. Thanks.
If this disease was cancer people would be raising money for her treatment and rallying round. No one would say "if she wants to get better she'll have to do it herself. She knows where the phone is. She has to WANT to get better." And no dr or hospital would refuse treatment. It would be madness for a whole family to leave a cancer victim to her own devices. Very different diseases, no comparison really, but that's some of the absurdity of this. It's a strange disease. We're getting the spiritual crash course in surrender and acceptance, maybe that's one of the higher purposes of this.
Thanks Hotrod. You're right, that makes sense. You've just been camping, right? Welcome back, pleased to meet you. I think someone said you orchestrate a lot of step work on the steps board. I'm looking forward to exploring that.
Paul, I'm really grateful for you. Your messages are full of compassion and wisdom. Everyone is so valuable here and "I want what you've got " as they say.
You've hit the nail on the head. When I read and meditated on alanon material, the first step and the serenity prayer, HP was present and the whole thing created seismic shifts that I'm not familiar with yet. It feels right but unfamiliar /uncomfortable and scary in a wa. I'll follow your lead, appreciate it xx
-- Edited by hiraeth on Sunday 23rd of August 2015 09:08:02 AM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Hugs Debb, how exciting! How blessed. You're right! Thank you for the part you're playing in my progress :)
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
@hiraeth - I experienced very similar feelings when I came into AlAnon. I have shared before that working through the program has been an incredible humbling experience. At times, it even felt a bit overwhelming to realize how far reaching my misunderstanding of the world truly reached. It did actuate a worldview change...incredibly powerful.
The glimpses of serenity that I caught early on, however, also helped me realize how much better I could feel if I was able to turn down the volume of my concert of disfunction even a few decibels. Before AlAnon, I was only able to do that by cutting people out of my life completely.
Spending considerable time reading and working the topic of Detaching With Love is helping me discover a new way, a healthy alternative. So glad you are feeling some peace and hope in the choices and fellowship of AlAnon
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Omg why do you keep describing me exactly?! *rhetorical*
I feel like some version of 'fearless moral inventory' is happening. Not in a deliberate way but by itself. I'm not up to that step yet but something new in my awareness is pointing out and challenging all these beliefs and assumptions of mine that are bonkers. I've been destroying myself with them, and hurting others, and they're all mine. Not the alcoholic's fault ;) and yes, it's overwhelming, but I can come here and make sense of it plus it's productive. It's not the same as my mind churning through self hatred. It's impartial, shining light into blind spots.
Talking on here, with people who are better at putting it in to words, gives me real hop
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
One of the very humbling things about this program is that after a lifetime of having to try very hard to figure things out for myself, always striving with clenched fists and gritted teeth to find some balance and peace through whatever means possible, this is the opposite. I'm not really doing it. I'm not doing anything. It's some kind of grace. I'm just showing up and reading other peoples' experiences, reading my little book, and something not-me, bigger than me, is helping - despite me! Hey maybe that's what step 2 is talking about. I could definitely say a mysterious power greater than me is attempting to restore me to sanity. Wow.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Trying to get help for an alcoholic is very hard especially in los angeles when resources are so overtaxed. Then there is that law where they apply, is he a danger to himself or others. its frustrating. of course he is a danger to himself. The drinking could progress to death quickly etc to others if he is aan abuser or drives. my ah has a puffer device so cant drie when hes boozed up. our insurance reluctantly gives him 21 days in a mediocre rehab center. if he pays $1500 up front he can detox there for 2 days. Then There is the outpatient help which is like a 2-3 wk wait if one is lucky. It is a little easier if u are able to get put in a pysch hospital but not much
This has been a great read for me! I agree with Debb - you're a Miracle in Progress. And what Betty said - if she can call you, she can call 911. These are such great shares, I have to file them away for future reference.
One of my qualifiers is 'out there' and tends to call me instead of program folks or his father or 911 when he's approaching the lower steps - I refuse to say bottom as he's not yet embraced recovery....
Thanks to everyone who has contributed - this thread and each post is EXACTLY how the program works when we are in the 'trenches' of insanity with an active A...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Yarn. Yes, she has already killed a pedestrian drunk driving and injured someone else's spine - separate incidents. So she has an interlock on her vehicle too. She can't manage that blowing device while sober so I doubt she will attempt it drunk, so I doubt she'll drive unless she steals a car, which she has also done.
Great post Iamhere :)
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Oh. No wonder my own beliefs and patterns are becoming apparent to me. I'm not focused on outside people and situations now. Awareness has gotta go somewhere and now it's going where it belongs - my life and recovery and business. Not such a great mystery after all.
I treat my friends how I treated the alcoholic - rescuer. They love it. They say it's rare and precious. I fix things and take the fall for them and stuff. It's actually a lack of trust in God and a compulsion to stop suffering where I see it. I'm actually hindering their growth though. Madness.
I don't like the way humans abandon each other though and I don't want to be uncaring and selfish.
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
