The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello - I have returned to these pages recently and couldn't be more grateful to be here. My story is this.........My AH committed suicide 5+ years ago (my 2nd husband - not the father of my 2 children.) I have been dating a man for the past 9 months who has been sober 9 years and who attends AA daily as well as in active counseling. After having dated some others over the past few years I thought "Aha! - Someone healthy! Hooray!" And guess what?? MY issues are surfacing. All the work that I still need to do to have a healthy relationship is becoming painfully clear. UGH!! And here I thought I had it all figured out and problems solved because my AH was gone. (sarcasm).
So I am facing myself and am struggling. I am reminded that how I handle things in my life comes from a dysfunctional place (from being a child of dysfunctional family as well as difficult marriage to AH). The closer I get to my BF, issues are coming up that I'm having a hard time with. At times I want to run away, I can tend to try and control everything - so many things.
My BF is having personal challenges (his alcoholic father died and cleaning out his house is bringing up major stuff for him). He is pulling away to take care of himself and I'm going to the place of insecurity and so many things. He has asked for space while he deals with things and I am struggling with that.
I'm doing my best to not beat myself up for not "having it all figured out", and am trying to keep in mind the acronym that was shared this morning: QTIP - quit taking it personally the fact he wants a break.
I found post on here from July 21st talking about relationships and would love to hear more from others about their struggles and how they have overcome them. Help!!
I think the Alanon and AA fellowships and each of our higher powers helped most during a time like this. We've experienced four deaths in the five years we've been with one another - three parents and one sibling. It made me angry, it made me feel a little gypped out of day to day relationship happiness but the opportunity to offer loving support was there for each of us. Try not to be afraid of losing him. He's grieving and some people need to separate themselves out a bit to work through their feelings. You're right... it's not personal. He isn't abandoning you, he's asked for space which is very different from up and disappearing. When my mom died, I noticed that I was becoming overprotective of keeping the people I had left who I love close to me. It was so painful and I was so afraid of prospect of losing anyone else. I had to let go for my sake and theirs and trust.
I think if you've been with your bf nine months, he will reach out to you in time. It's very hard to go through a house of old memories as you no doubt know. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. You've known great pain. I would try to keep an open mind that your bf needs to do what he needs to do to work these feelings out in himself.
Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back for recovery with us. You're not alone. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have no ESH in this kind of matter, but do know that when my As tell me they need time to think, process, etc. I give it freely. If I do not, I suffer and make them miserable. I think this is a great time for some program/step work - to keep you focused on you and your life and your happiness.
Hang in there - grieving is so difficult and each grieves so differently. It's one of those life events that probably causes me the most confusion/anxiety as each person's process can be so different. Trust your HP to get you to the other side, whatever that might look like!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad you have turned to Alanon and the message board.
Of course you have to give him his space to sort things out. Meantime you have to do the work on yourself and not
escape into another relationship. The steps are there for us, happiness as you know is an inside job. This is not
about him. Focus on YOU....what do you want?
With or without this relationship you have to be strong and gain strength and can only do that by doing the work
required. Alanon face to face, meetings, working the steps and just for today try not to solve all your problems.
Keep coming back, it works, if you work it.
Thank you all for your replies. I feel like I'm going moment to moment fighting the urge to check in with him which I know comes partly from concern bit likely more from my own fear. Having been a codependent for so long (family of origin then AH before his death, I have a hard time knowing what healthy caring is. Truly I care how he is doing today while in NJ again cleaning out the house. It takes a toll on him emotionally. So my confusion is this, wouldn't a caring GF check in to see how he is doing? This is where my reality is skewed and I over analyze.
When someone asks for space, I think it's best to give them plenty of it even though that is hard. Hand over the ball to his court if you can. If you cannot tolerate doing that and just going about your business and your life, those are your issues. I feel for you because I have always obsessed over relationships (when I was dating) and I had such a hard time letting the other person have their space, time...etc. I also didn't respect or understand the difference between dating, being a boyfriend, vs. being like a married couple. I acted under the idea that anyone I was dating should respond to me and I should respond to them as if we were married. Fact is, you've been dating this guy for 9 months and he is not a love sick little boy. He is used to handling stuff without you and is probably more comfortable doing that right now. A wife would be going through this loss of his that "with" him. You are not that yet and that is okay. Let it be what it is for today.
