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I know that AA and the program take time and I need to let my AH work his way through, but how home life seems stuck. His behavior reminds me of when he was drinking: he is angry, always negative, jumpy yet slow to get to his point when talking, he even slurs his words from time to time. I could swear he was drinking, but have some many reasons to believe he isnt (daily blood tests is one reason).
I am looking for feedback from anyone who dealt with a dry drunk - what was the situation and what worked or didnt work so well while working through it...
Thank You
Hi Earlybird, my AH has been in recovery (actively working the AA program) since June. I have to say the first month he was home was extremely difficult. I was walking on eggshells. He was fresh out of a two week inpatient addiction recovery program and away from the safety and routine of that hospital setting--Three meals a day, group and individual therapy sessions, no worries of bills to pay. Now enter the real world and he appeared to me to be kinda miserable. He was extremely tired all the time and didn't really want to participate in family life. He just wanted to go to his meetings and sleep. Even now after almost 90 days he still takes frequent naps. But it is much better. His mood has improved, he's laughing more and seems to have a little more energy. He was also taking Campral for cravings most of this time so I'm sure they may have caused some of the drowsiness. But he wasn't really mean, just kind of the same non-existent husband and father as always. So I too thought is he just a dry drunk? He still has some selfish tendencies. I heard it can take up to 2 years for their brain functioning to return to normal if there is a such thing! So I'm trying to keep my expectations very low. I won't lie. It's not easy but it has definitely gotten easier. Hang in there.
The best thing - work a strong alanon program and get out of the way of his recovery/nonrecovery. You will walk around the traps and you will not be as easy a target for him to blame or treat however if you have a good program going. You will also model recovery for him and perhaps he might see the value in it that way.
I agree with Pnikchip. I didn't find Al Anon until after my wife started into recovery. it worked well. I learned a number of things - Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it men (or snarky in my case lol) plus I learned how to give her her dignity, something that I had stripped away from her as she descended into drinking.
Not to mention I started figuring out what she owned, what I owned, and when to just back off and let her own/deal with some things.
Coming back here and learning Al Anon was probably the best thing I ever did, with our without a dry drunk!
I've never truly liked that term - dry drunk - perhaps that's because it can be used as an excuse for less that optimal outlook towards life....ha-ha-ha...
Early recovery is difficult and all parts of the body - mind, body, spirit and soul are in shock. This doesn't excuse bad behavior but it's part of the recovery process. I agree with Kenny and pinkchip - work your program and whatever happens around you will be ... what it is.
I did not realize how exhausting it was to be the 'pre-program' me until after I started getting better. All those habits I had related to my As that I had no business doing truly were taxing and tiring. While this program is not easy and requires work/effort, the result and rewards are so uplifting and worth it.
He will either recover or he will relapse. In either case, it is not your fault or your victory. While we can have hope for recovery and offer kindness and support, it is not good to have expectations tied to what they are or are not doing.
(((Hugs))) - it's a difficult time for both, but if you can stay focused on you, you'll find peace no matter if he does or doesn't.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
