Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Am I being selfish?

Fairlee · Senior Member

I know it's hard, but I think you are right to make her have to own her responsibilities! Of course it's easy for me to say because I'm not in your situation. I hope everything works out - I don't think you are being insensitive, just choosing to not enable her.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

3 Cs...Motives (yours)...To thine own self be true...Allow the alcoholic the dignity of her choices and you the dignity of your own...(((hugs))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Well.....we all know that life happens. In these situations when I am doubly powerless (over the ill parent + the A), I really have to examine my motives. I also often ask myself, if this were my best friend instead of my A, what would I do? I have to watch myself because when I feel as you do know, at times my motives weren't pure when I stated my truth.

I've made exceptions to my boundaries when the situation called for it. Not often, but it has happened!

My standard action in these moments, write about it, talk about it, pray about it, then act.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

...grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change. If she's going to lie about her mother's condition and have no regard for my time, there's nothing I can do to change that. I can't take it personally. And I'm lying to myself if I expect her to all of a sudden give it to me straight so it makes my decision easier.

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Since you've split up has she ever made excuses not to get the kids when it was her time to have them? I'm just wondering if this is an isolated incident. I mean not that visiting a sick mother is not a good excuse, but drinking wine all night is not. If this is something your ex has done a lot--avoid her responsibilities to the kids since you've split then I think you are right to ask her to arrange a sitter. But will she? I hope you do end up going to the concert.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((LLM) I do not think you are being selfish It appears you are aware that you are powerless over people, places and things and have examined your motives so that I would make a plan "B" find a reliable baby sitter myself and plan on going to the concert regardless of her actions.

Good luck.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

LLM .. I would hire a babysitter and not interact or argue with the XAW.

Just my suggestion and no you are not being selfish. {{HUGS}}

-- Edited by Debb on Friday 21st of August 2015 07:09:59 AM

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like you have some really good suggestions and perspectives already. I hope you are able to settle on something that works for you. I am struggling with similar questions about myself and my motives, and not quite sure what to do. I find it helpful to pause when I am not sure and give myself time to think and talk things out before acting. I find that I can be more certain of my motives when I do this.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone for the support. I realize without knowing our history, this post is a challenge to respond to.

@ hotrod & debb, yes yes having plan B is always a must and for some reason I was becoming fixated on engaging my ex AW. Old habits really do die hard. So now we have a sitter in place ready to go and my ex AW saying she'll be back in time for me to keep my plans, so either way I'm going to the concert.

@ yankeerose, since we've split my ex has done a pretty solid job of keeping her commitments. It was when we were together that she would use something like her mom being sick to go awol for days at a time under the guise of being an angel/victim while I watched the kids and had no control over when she'd come home. Among her family and friends, a crisis is never far off. If it wasn't her sister that needed consoling, it was one of her friends. Or it would be HER that needed consoling because we got in a fight. The one thing my ex was masterful at was making a small flame into a 4 alarm fire to justify any behavior she wanted.

So when she calls me to watch the kids while she handles yet another family "crisis", I'm skeptical. I really don't blame her for being a compulsive liar...not with the society we live in and certainly not with the family she was raised in. I get why she is who she is. That said, it makes co-parenting with her a challenge.

As for my motives I feel like I'm just trying to value my own time and let her affect my life as little as possible. However I admit I might need to be careful not to erect boundaries that are so rigid that they don't allow for even the occasional emergency.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

So it ends up being win win. While watching my kids tonight my son had a fever and vomited twice. I had to pick him up from daycare early due to him being sick. Sounds like a win right? lol But after taking care of him tonight I put him to bed and in the sweetest voice he said "I love you daddy". We say I love you often but the way he said it tonight, tinged with a child's vulnerable appreciation of having a parent be there for him, hit me right in the chest. I walked out of his room so grateful...for everything. And that moment would have never happened if things didn't go down the way they did.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad everything work out well for you, you deserved to go out
and have a good time tonight and you are such a good Dad!

littlelionman · Veteran Member

On a side note, it's now obvious to me that it's time for my ex and I to sit down and clearly establish what is and isn't expected of each other going forward in this new role of co-parent. Not a fun conversation, but necessary.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Thanks Debb!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

LLM - that's a great story - thanks for sharing. It is kind of funny that we are all loving that a sick child had a special love for his care-taker, but that kind of 'thing' is for me what makes me keep going when I fear the unknown.

He's a cutie-pie and I hope he feels better! Enjoy, enjoy & enjoy your concert tomorrow night!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

LLM Beautifully powerful share re. your little son Thank you

Herbalist13 · Member

LLM - you are not selfish AT ALL. You're doing the best you can with what you have, and keeping a sharp eye out for your kids' welfare. If the ex is lying and manipulating based on her family crises, you can't do anything about that except recognize it, get out of the path of destruction if you can, protect yourself and your kids, and then later when you're able, clarify new roles and responsibilities as you stated with the ex. It's not pleasant, but you'll get it done and it will make life easier for you and your little ones. Hold up the sword!

littlelionman · Veteran Member

"I expected her to come back and tend to her responsibilities."

Hmm. I think I have some insights to glean from this whole experience.

Thanks all, and goodnight :)

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Aren't those little things that make us grateful nice? Kids are a big responsibility no doubt about it but I wouldn't trade life without for them for anything.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Well, when life gives you lemons....on to plan C?

ex AW is staying longer than expected, as expected, but the babysitter fell through which was unexpected. SO

It's an all day concert and kid friendly. Packing up the kids and going to listen to some music!

And time to find a few more babysitter numbers to add to my phone list...

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

LLM, you got a good attitude and mindset. You all have fun today!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great recovery LLM Have fun You certainly know how to go with the flow.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope yesterday was a great time for all! Isn't recovery awesome? As long as we are walking this path, working the program and trusting HP, it's so much easier to find/make/go to Plan C than before. Great program work LLM - let us know how it went!!!

littlelionman · Veteran Member

It...was....awesome! I wasn't sure what to expect since I've never been to that venue before, but it was actually ideal for bringing kids (outdoors with long rows of stone benches that can seat 2000! People everywhere, great vibe). One band played with their dog on stage, it was that chill. My kids danced, ate popcorn (and dirt...my 2 year old likes it off the ground apparently), and danced some more. Even though I was looking forward to some adult time, after all is said and done I think I just found an annual music event that I want to make a tradition with my kids. And to top it off we went to the local airport observation deck this morning to watch planes takeoff and land, and my kids ate it up. It ended up being one of the best weekends I've ever had as a parent.

Recovery is awesome, but I'll be honest I was slipping there for a bit. I was getting sucked back into drama (two of my ex's sisters were sending me walls of texts letting me know how selfish I am...it might be time to block some numbers), and it's almost scary how quickly that stinking thinking can come right back if we're not being mindful. I had to really question myself if I was maintaining a boundary or looking for a fight by engaging as much as I did. Fodder for my next therapy appointment. And I really feel like I need a meeting. It's been far too long since I've been to one and this weekend was a reminder of that.

Lastly I really do feel bad for my ex. Her mother is talking about suicide to her, and pulling out all the stops to get attention from her children. My ex comes by her alcoholism honestly. I still feel a twinge of guilt for not being there to help her out, but I'm also very grateful to no longer be tethered to that chaos.

I hope everyone else enjoyed their weekends! Thanks for the support, and talking things out with me.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

LLM - so very, very glad to hear that your weekend was spectacular! Your share just now so makes me realize how wise it is for me/us to let HP lead the charge....

I also understand the distractions and the self-realization moments. I have those at times as well, and am so grateful that this program is about human, progress and doing our best. I am glad that I can stumble and slip and sometimes fall, but pick myself back up with help of fellowship and tools and learn from it and grow.

Super happy your weekend went great! Mine was good too - had a blast playing way too much softball for my age and tons of fellowship with program friends, softball friends and new friends.

I am super sore and nursing two injuries, but well worth it for the return!!

Enjoy your week and hope a meeting is soon for you since you're wanting/needing one.

(((Hugs))) - your festival sounds like a blast!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene