The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel absolutely overwhelmed at this point. My husband just spent 2 weeks in a hospital with a bleed in his stomach, and then the "protocol" to detox him. This is the first time he has said that he knows that he cannot drink anymore. This came as an absolute shock to me. I married him knowing he liked his beer (he calls them his pops). It did not seem to be an issue until it became an issue. He developed the first signs of cirrhosis. Ascites and edema became well known words to me. This, coupled with other unrelated health issues, incapacitated him to the point that he could not work, and ended up on SSDI (which frankly, after a while was a relief because we were struggling on just my income).
In the last year and a half, no matter what happened, he refused to believe it was alcohol related. The PA at our doctor's office told me exactly what would happen if he didn't stop drinking...he would develop a bleed in his esophagus/abdomen and although it could be treated, eventually the doctors would not be able to stop it. He would bleed out.
Two and a half weeks ago he started losing blood. From both ends. I won't make it graphic. He did not tell me right away. By the time he got into the ER, he needed a blood transfusion.
Two days later, he tried to leave AMA. I knew that the hospital protocol regarding detox was to knock him out. We've been there before. The doctor was willing to let him go AMA but since my husband was still groggy from the endoscopy they had to perform, he wanted me to sign papers saying I took full responsibility. Um, no. I was not going to stand by and watch him die. I told the doctor to sedate him.
Detox took five days this time. My husband pulled out 3 IV's, his catheter, and developed C-Diff, and peritonitis in the fluid in his stomach. For a while, I was not sure he was going to make it. He was loaded on antibiotics, sedated, and his heart rate was all over the place.
He did.
My husband's philosophy was that if he was going out, he was going out his way. Not giving up his beer. The second thing he said to me this time is that he knew he could no longer drink. Someone talked to him, although I am not sure who.
He has been home for two days now. I know this is a day at a time process. He is refusing any kind of treatment. But he hasn't picked up a beer (there aren't any in the house anyway).
I am realistic. I know this is a hard thing for him to do. I have just never dealt with this, so I would like some words of wisdom on what to say, what not to say, what to expect if possible, and just some general support. I feel very alone in all of this.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so very glad you found the courage to share.
I am so very sorry for what this disease has put you (and your AH) through. We write often and always about how this disease is so cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Your story is a testament to that reality.
My best suggestion for you is that you see if you can find local Al-Anon meetings. You will be embraced by others who understand what you are living with and who will introduce you to this program. This program keeps us focused on us. Our recovery, our choices, our actions and our reactions. This disease reaches well beyond the affected and finding your truth and yourself after living with this disease will help you move forward.
If you struggle to find local meetings, there are two here each day - check the top left for the meeting times and a link to the meeting/chat room.
Know that you are not alone, and we are here to offer ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to you!
Keep coming back and know that you can't affect his disease or his recovery - that's his job/choice and you can be OK no matter what he chooses to do.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lolableu, {{{hugs}}} . I think what Iamhere said is spot on, "you can be OK no matter what he chooses to do. " I have been in a place very similar to where you are: witnessing horrific medical problems in my late AH worsened by this terrible disease of alcoholism. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please focus on being OK yourself.
As far as what to say, I learned that I was truly powerless over his situation, and perhaps the only thing that would make sense to say would be something like, "I am glad you decided not to drink. It is a really hard challenge and I have heard there is help available if you want it. Meanwhile, I have been affected by everything that has happened, and I am concentrating on taking care of myself." (I didn't do this exactly, but in retrospect it seems like it could have been a good idea.)
I was so glad that I found Al-Anon just when things were getting bad. I met someone there who had been in a similar situation to mine. I learned from her where I could draw boundaries, and how not to take on responsibilities that did not have to be mine and that would make my mental state worse. For example, if he was taken to the Emergency Room or admitted to the hospital, I did not have to hang out there. I could stay home, and the doctors or hospital staff would call me if they needed information from me. This opened me up to accepting help from others.
Planning for self-care ... whether it is financial, emotional, spiritual, whatever makes you feel safe ... could be a good thing to do.
Aloha Lola and welcome to the board...I read your post and think this lady has got some information and she knows and knows that she knows what she is up against. In part that is a relief except for the part that asks "Okay now what do we do". He has made up his alcoholic mind and the alcoholic mind is alcohol centered. He is addicted and feeling assured that he cannot live without it even knowing that he is at the "end stage" period of the disease...the fatal stage...he verbalizes that he has accepted it and accepted it with continued alcohol consumption and so the question continues to be "What does Lola do with this"? We all came to that stage and had to admit we have a life also and must do something with it. For me I had to learn how to live it while affected by the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and I did a a member of the world wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Yes I stopped trying to manage my own life and went to learn how to manage it this way. MIP is a part of the management process. We don't speak alcohol here as much as we speak recovery from the ism of it. I gotta go do some work and will check back later to see how we are all doing with this condition. Hang on to the MIP family and let us hear from you. (((((hugs)))))
I would expect relapse but hope against it. People who refuse treatment and AA have very low success rates but it's not impossible. I would hit alanon to have support in place for you no matter what comes down the pike.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 20th of August 2015 05:26:16 PM
He is confused with how he is talking to himself though he might be saying it to you. The voices of reason and bravado fight each other...I'm gonna do this cause I'm gonna and I know I've got a huge problem and cannot drink. The disease is trying to figure out how he can and bargain with him to not stop. He has some esteem and reputation built up with the drinking...he identifies with it and maybe not much with anything else. I use to have bragging rights with alcohol myself and my family and friends use to bolster those rights. None of them knew about alcoholism and what I was doing to myself. My HP knew I needed a mentor and that mentor was my alcoholic/addict wife who mirrored the disease back to me so that I could "Get it". Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical...it alters blood and body cells and everything else it comes into contact with...it doesn't need to get to the stomach in order to start the drunk as it can pass from the tongue to the central nervous system directly. I went to college also to "Get it". Your husband as you know is in dire straits and knows it as you do. Maybe what would be honest would be to sit down and talk to him about being killed by alcohol and being powerless over stopping it...both of you. If he wants to die from using talk about what he can transfer over to your name before he"s maybe he can have compassion over you and do that. Sad situation to watch and participate in...been there and done that and then my wife got sober. Hope she still is. ((((Hugs)))) for you and your alcoholic husband. Let God have him.
Thank you. I am not having high expectations and consider everyday he does not drink a small victory. I don't try to look to the future. I admit I do look in the fridge and cupboards to make sure there is no beer. But I also know this is a might powerful addiction. I just pray. A lot. And keep on trucking.
Welcome LB to MIP and grateful that you found this board. You are in the company of a group of people who understand where you are, concerning your AH and can give you the support you need from our experiences and the Al-Anon 12 steps, traditions, prayers and meditations that we all practice. We work the steps at our own pace and because we all have different lives and circumstances, take from the steps and traditions what is appropriate and fits. If you can join a face to face meeting in your locality, that would be the best decision. You can locate one in your area by going to: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings Thanks for joining us and sharing. {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Lola - it sounds as if you're off to a great start! Debb (above me) is spot on with how we do it!
Keep coming back - it works if you work it so work it cuz you're worth it!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Still here. Two days ago, after all this, I heard the all too familiar sound of him cracking open a beer. I found a beginner's meeting close to my office and will attend this week. I am a humble of emotions. Anger. Sadness. And I realize you are all right. I cannot allow this to rule me. I love him. But I need to keep my sanity in this too. I won't walk away but I won't help him either.
The emotional roller coaster that I rode on before I found AlAnon was incredibly painful and exhausting, I truly feel for what you are experiencing. So glad you are taking care of the only thing you can control, by taking care of you.
AlAnon was the only thing I tried that brought me peace and hope, heart and thoughts to you as you give yourself the opportunity to see how it can help you, too...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
He has himself convinced that one doc has brainwashed all the others into believing he has cirrhosis. When he said that it was all I could do not to seriously slap him in the back of the head.
So glad you found a meeting and have a plan to attend. This program, and all that it offers has saved me and many others. You deserve it and it is well worth the time, energy and effort.
So sorry that the insanity continues, that's just the way this disease operates.
Hang in there and know that you are not alone, as Debb says! We are all just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
