The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How can I best help the alcoholic? By not interfering when he gets into difficulties. I must detach myself from his shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it. One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.29).
Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with anothers behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery Not to do for others what they can do for themselves Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit Not to cover up for anothers mistakes or misdeeds Not to create a crisis Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment has to be, for me, one of the most valuable tools in Al-Anon.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Thank you Debb, This is going to be one of the hardest things for me. I am the one who feeds him when he cannot get up out of the chair to feed himself in fear that he may fall down, I also know that after he is that bad, once he eats he falls asleep and for a few hours I am at peace. After almost 14 years of marriage your whole routine slowly but surely changes to work around them.
Thanks Deb - lovely share and so extremely helpful!!
Before this program and my sponsor, I thought I was detaching, but I actually was just ranting silently with my back turned to my qualifier. I certainly had no love or empathy in those moments.....I was a crazy woman!
The program has taught me that it's OK to detach when my motives are self-protection and/or self-preservation. I detach peacefully especially when I have healthy boundaries in place. I find that without those, I can second-guess myself in new situations....the steps and my sponsor helped me tremendously with those boundaries and what to do when they are broken/violated.
Changing me is a full-time job so....when I finally accepted that I can't change others, it really helped me grow in this program.
Make it a great day everyone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
