The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
good morning, or whatever time of day it is in your corner of the world,
I left my home six weeks ago. I am finally moved into my own place and ready for my children to start splitting their time between here and our family home, where my AH is stubbornly residing. School starts tomorrow, and our counselor has requested that we come up with a parenting plan this week.
All the local Alanon and AA meetings are in the evenings, and we have two children ages 10 and 12. My AH has committed to the counselor that he will attend two AA meetings a week. There are six meetings a week (all evening), and some require a 10-20 min drive, but his chosen two are here in town.
Anyhow - I do want to support his sobriety. I have seen him use the kids as a reason to skip meetings - and he does not make them up by going to a different meeting. He is not accountable to me, but I feel like the parenting plan would look different if it revolves around each of our meetings, than not. I guess I'm struggling with differentiating between control and support - or maybe by continuing to look after him/arrange things for him vs just put down a schedule that would work best for me... any ESH on this?
In our town when you're getting a divorce you get three free hours (in one session) with a mediator. The way the mediator did it for us was that she talked to me on the phone, then switched lines and talked to my ex, then to me, then to my ex, etc., so we didn't even have to communicate directly and get into a heated conversation. We worked out the parenting plan like that, one that met both of our needs. I wonder if there is a mediator available to you? That way you don't have to take his schedule into account - the process makes sure it's taken into account without your having to 'sacrifice.'
My other experience is that the simpler the plan, the better. So bigger chunks of time instead of a lot of going back and forth. This is easier for everyone but especially better if the other party tends to throw wrenches into the works, show up late, change or cancel, etc.
It might also be useful to find out which local meetings have childcare.
It's great that you are making your meeting an important factor in your plans.
Wishing you much strength and health as you go forward!
You have no control if he goes to meetings or not. If he wants to get sober he will go to meetings on his own and make them a priority for himself. At this point, I imagine he is angry at you for leaving. Trying to influence him going to meetings is only likely to cause him to resist going on his own just to spite you. Let go and focus on your own program. If his drinking endangers your children's safety, that is another issue. His recovery, or lack there of, is his business. He sounds ambivalent about going to meetings and really committing to the program anyhow. Being in recovery, I can tell you that begrudgingly going to two meetings a week is going to probably do nothing for him. Hence, I see you wasting time and energy concerning yourself with this at all. There is no such thing as being supportive of someone's reluctant half ass recovery. Only someone serious about it. So my suggestion is detach and let go.
Supporting his recovery to me means being flexible with sharing the children. Nothing more and nothing less.
One thought I had as I read this - in my part of the world, there are about 20-35 AA meetings each day. However, there are about 1 per day for Al-Anon, maybe 2 on some days. Before you concur to his schedule, just make sure you are taking care of your own needs with your own meetings/support.
I agree with pinkchip 100%. Him giving his preferred nights to go to meetings doesn't mean he will go and at this point, it's not your concern. If he wants sobriety, he'll be 'willing to go to any lengths'.....
I would certainly make a quick list of things that you would like consideration (meetings, job, church, etc.) for so that you go in with the intent of flexibility but prioritizing self-care!
If possible, considerate it a negotiation. If you have events that are important to you, hold fast to those. If you have events that are flexible, be flexible. Act as if he's someone you want to work WITH not work against/for.
HTH - so glad you are in and settled!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
