PaulF, very sorry that you are having to go through this. If I may suggest
detaching from this person, because from what I can see she has caused
you more unhappiness than anything else.

DETACH: Dont. Even. Think. About. Changing. Him/Her.

"My freedom and independence do not depend
on any acts of defiance or confrontation.
They depend on my own attitude and feelings.
If I am always reacting then I an never free."

QTIP:
Quit
Taking
It
Personally

The above tools have helped me tremendously with dealing with an
alcoholic who is hurting me.

Hope it helps and try giving it to your HP to help you handle this.

No contact worked for me , as well as many meetings, the steps and slogans.

Keeping the focus on myself, my own needs and remembering to HALT -- Not to get too Hungry, Angry Lonely or Tired works.

Thanks for your feedback. As I thought I had a somewhat sleepless night punctuated with some bad dreams. I think my next step is to gather myself and sever contact in the least painful way. It was tempting to just react when I read that message last night but I'm glad I didn't. Yes, she's attractive but when I met her a felt we clicked and she referred to me as her soul mate. Sadly though is is untrustworthy and consistently inconsistent. I did play this out as a possible scenario and now it's happening. I will give myself a little respite - be kind to myself over the next few days and I'll probably just end up sending a deliberately short text as there's no point in long rambling dialogues. Usually I'd convince myself to to nothing and wait and see what happens, after all she's only 12 days sober........but that's dangerous thinking. I shall block her on social media too. Amongst the painful feelings there is a sense of relief and perhaps some conclusion to this. I could not make this woman stop drinking and I could not make her love me. I am sure at some point I will meet someone else at some point but I need to focus on me for without my own sobriety none of these thins things can happen..........

No offence taken! What you say may have truth in it. I'm kind of limited as to the extent to which I tell this story. The bottom line is looking at this scenario and saying that I don't want anymore of this. Drama is by its nature exciting but constant drama is in itself boring. If my mind is so consumed with her then I am boring too. I've lived a life in addiction of constant melodrama and degradation and when that is removed it takes time to adjust. Parts of my life are boring but parts are not. I am happy to go through drama and crisis with someone who reciprocates feeling but in this scenario it is not reciprocated. That's the cold truth sadly. I could have walked away seven months ago but I chose not to. At the moment I'm hurt and upset and don't feel too good about myself. What else is there to do? Put up with it? That's like saying I deserve it - I don't. It's just painful. It will pass I'm sure but at the moment it hurts.

Stay strong Paul! It does hurt to be lied to and made to believe there might be a future with her because of the things she told you. My AH has said so many different things--good and bad-- I don't even know what to believe anymore. But like you I know I deserve so much better. Since it didn't go farther with her you can cut your ties and move on. You WILL be ok. You said you are going back to a good job so immerse yourself in that. You have a purpose in life. Enjoy the life you were given even though it can be so sad at times. I try to look at the bright side when I start to get depressed--like I'm healthy and so are my kids. We are not suffering with cancer or in a wheelchair like some others out there. We can walk, talk, see and hear. That sort of stops my woe is me attitude for awhile. Keep coming back here for support. It helps. I really do believe that when it doesn't work out with one person God has something else in store for you.

In addendum to my previous post, here's the text I've drafted: 'I'm glad to hear you are sober, I really am and I hope it continues. You've been through a tough time and you deserve happiness. This is impossibly hard to say but I'm severing contact with you. I can't do it anymore, it's become too painful, too damaging, too upsetting and too heartbreaking. I wish you well and every possible future happiness both for yourself and your girls. Love always. Paul. Xxx'. I figure it's loving, compassionate and not overly long. I relate to feeling lied to and not knowing what the truth ever was. I know that most of my major emotional dips have come as a response to my relationship with her. I'm responsible for this and probably should have done this sooner. Yes, it's fortunate it didn't go further but I guess in my head it already had. I really don't want to do this, I've tears in my eyes as I type this but its something that needs to be done...........

That email might work for you. Personally, I think it's laying out all your feelings to a manipulative person that will then call you and entice you with more drama after you tell her you feel she is "painful, upsetting, damaging, and heartbreaking." That has a twinge of drama in it right there. When someone is rejecting towards you, you don't need to come back at them with how much their rejection hurts you. That is pouring salt in your own wound.

Paul, what will happen will happen and I am pretty convinced you are on the road to health, but why not just write "Glad you are sober. I'm busy. Be well."? She crapped on you. No need to expose yourself to more of that. Severing contact is something you do, not something you explain.

PaulF -

So sorry for the pain you are feeling. I've walked away from a few relationships over the years as they were destructive/damaging to me/my sobriety.

A wise sponsor once said to me that a 'dear john' letter/email/text is optional. Especially if you are on the rocks. You do not owe her an explanation or a notice. Actions speak much louder than words - she's taken action that suggests she's moving forward without you. Have you considered just not responding and ceasing that way?

I must be the most boring human on earth. But - I love my boring life and I attract other boring people. Me and my boring friends have real conversations - about feelings, life, vacations, meals, etc. I am yawning just writing about it....Seriously, if you label yourself boring, you will be. If you label yourself active, you can be. If you label yourself fun and engaging, you .... - boring or bored is a choice (ESH).

The way I view my life - I would take this boring existence every day over the drama, chaos and craziness of before. I also believe (as a sober person) that I lived 100 years during my active stage of this disease and have no interest in 'that' again either. So peaceful walks with my HP and dog + meetings w/gre8 folks in recovery + nice meals with family/friends + reading a great book + .... - does not bore me at all! Add to that softball, gardening, remodeling, working, etc. - I am good!

I don't know you Paul beyond here, but my own experience is I enjoy 'closure and speaking my peace.' Having said that, others often have their own needs/wants. I've learned that I don't have to answer, I don't have to explain and I certainly don't need to apologize for taking action that is healthy for me. Check your motives and talk with a sponsor or trusted friend would be the best suggestion I got this morning. You deserve better and you can choose better!

Your job and next chapter sound AWESOME! Focus on that and don't worry about the past - can't change it ... can only learn from it!

(((Hugs))) - trust HP and all will be well!

Thanks again. This is all wise counsel. I've not sent anything this far and it's possible I may not. I think if I'm honest there's a big side of me that wants to send what I wrote in order to draw that line and fulfills a need whatever that may be to express what pain I'm in. I'm worried if I don't send it and fully close the door then I'm leaving in open enough to fool myself that she'll somehow understand. I don't want to kid myself. I've spoken to a few trusted people in the programme and it's a small comfort. Today's been a bit of a write off - stayed mostly in bed mulling it all over. I think I'll rise from my bed and treat myself to something nice to eat and a walk by the river - plus plenty of cigarettes of course! I'm not ashamed of my life - I know what I did yesterday, I've not hurt anybody and I'm on good terms with everyone. When I drank I had none of that - I only ever caused pain and could never even remember who the last person I spoke to was. Just hurting a lot today......

Yes, I'll keep coming back and I concur with the notion that no one can make you feel anything. I think that's why I've chosen to sit on things for a period rather than just react so I can look at myself. I know how I felt after 12 days sober - horribly confused, scared and very needy. I just wanted someone to take it all away. I don't think I even dared to contact anyone for at least a month as I was so utterly redundant and petrified. In this regards I can understand her actions. In spite of it all I'm genuinely relieved she's sober. What can I say - at this point in time it hurts so much and of course part of me does take it personally. It's time to reflect, time to keep safe.....

Thanks for that. I can relate to that. I think in a sense this could be a blessing. I think in hindsight I was useful to have around. I wish she could have been more honest with me from the start as I never would have invested to this extent. I can do nothing here save regulating my own responses. It's horrible though. I've got through the day though! I know as an alcoholic myself that I cannot sustain these thoughts for much longer, if I don't do something they have the propensity to kill me. Time for action.......

An alcoholic couldn't have been more honest from the start (sadly) as alcoholics can't tell up from down. 

I know how hard it is not to engage.  The good news is that every day will take you a little farther away from the attachment, if you let it.  As you start getting involved in things that are unrelated to her.  As you start thinking about other things that have the capacity to give you sustenance and nurturing in your new life.

It does require some processing.  But as the saying is, "you can look at the past, but don't stare at it."  Take good care of yourself!

I agree with the above comments - how could I not! I've got through this day simply by breathing and taking it slowly. I feel I'm being melodramatic sometimes but I know the emotional intensity of the feelings. As long as I remain sober I'm at least in with a chance. I'm understanding more about alcoholism in a way I never had before. If used correctly it can only strengthen what I already have. I wish her well, it won't be easy coming back for her but it is possible. Well, it's quarter to one in the morning here in England - I'm hopefully tired enough to sleep. Got a few things to do tomorrow to facilitate my move, plus a meeting. I'm in pain but I'm thankful. Thank you all for giving your time so freely. Time, in my view is the most precious gift you can give another person.........

 

 

Wow great post and responses...that is why I hang around.  Often the MIP family will remind me of my former now passed sponsor who was simple and to the point with me.  Often he would just say don't rather than draw out the process and also "'change" which this program is all about.  He was the one that led me to the "just for Today"  Al-Anon pamphlet which helped me to reform my habits and build new ones.  When I did those "Just For Today" suggestions and not my usual non productive habits my life got better and isn't that what the program is all about?   I suggest you also go for the literature in the program PaulF...."So you love and alcoholic" comes to mind as being helpful for me.  "Change"  you don't need special permission to do it and you don't need to explain it either...all of my alcoholics knew and understood and could feel the problems.  They could read my body language and the "way" I use to speak...they knew.    Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.   (((hugs)))

Paul. I always found when I took an action, after examining my motives, I felt better and could move forward. Alanon suggests that "we take the action and let go of the results.
You have discussed the subject, you have thought about the subject now you can let it go and trust HP".

One foot on front of the other! You are doing what is required Paul and that is huge progress! Keep working you program - it looks good on you!

Petrified? That's awfully strong Paul. You have a full life. You have your sobriety. There is nothing petrifying about moving on from an unhealthy person. Not discounting your feelings...

 

 

My sponsor gave me a winner regarding decision making..."When in doubt...DONT!!".   I still use that daily.