I'm feeling an interesting lot of "meh".

Abf has been on the up and up for months now, doing a course, walking the walk and basically doing and being everything "right". And it's been nice to see. I've started to receive his calls and occasional visits with far less dread and way more warm fuzzies. He's been quite dedicated to "making changes' and it's been nice. Admittedly part of me has been thinking 'well, maybe, one day...". He's been so determined to be good to me, and it's been so nice after so many years of horror-show. Did I think maybe it was going to end "happily ever after?" Well, not quite, but I was still enjoying it. I was thinking maybe it was a prequel to a prequel of a prequel of 'happily ever after" and maybe it still was.

Anyway about 2 weeks ago he sent me a link to stuff he was posting online...videos he was making about a new gambling system he was trying. I don't dismiss the red flags anymore, I see them and hear the accompanying sirens. I heard drunk in his voice and I thought, this will be interesting because I've watched him go on these drinking/ online gambling benders before and they start out with non-stop rational talk about how this new system will make he and anyone who he decrees worthy into an instant gazillionairre, and deteriorate over several days and barrels of wine into something akin to the GOT Red Wedding. 

Anyway I thought, with a lot of compassion and a little bit of a heavy heart that posting videos of this publicly and then having to view them himself upon sobering up might be a pretty hard thing for him to see and do. I felt an instant pity and such a strong urge to somehow protect him from himself. Isn't it interesting that after EVERYTHING I have endured at his hands when drunk, I still feel such a strong urge to protect him from the pain of having to confront drunk him? The thought of him having to see himself drunk in a public domain really hurt me in a physical way. Crazy.

Well, after a couple of days of posting videos suddenly they were all deleted and he has been more or less AWOL aside from a few snarky, sulky conversations where he attempted to put words in my mouth and blame me for all of the ills of this world and the next, and also to blame me for the fact that he hasn't kept up his repayment schedule to me which until now, he'd been doing a great job of. Suddenly he is not talking to me, responding to my occasional friendly 'hello" messages with very flat sarcastic and unkind words. I gave up a few days ago. Why push it? I don't have to force my way into his misery.

I'm not really worrying; I feel a little sad that his months of hard work and efforts have ended up in what appears to be a manic drunken episode and subsequent wallowing but, then, that's how it always was. What's different is, I don't live with it now. His pain and self hatred doesn't automatically become my pain and self hatred, and that is a blessed relief. I'd say, in the long run, for both of us.

Don't get me wrong, I really was happy to see him doing so well, and am genuinely sad that he has slipped and is probably really miserable right now. But it makes me very glad that I wasn't nuts enough to buy "I've changed" and jump back into a close relationship with him only to have it all pulled out from under me again.

In my past experiences with him (almost a decade of living with his cycles) I saw him become superman several times, usually for a period of several months which seemed to be followed by an long, long period (2 years on average) of absolute ruin and self destruction. I hope that isn't the case this time, but it could be. Who knows? I have only the past to go by.

And in the past, right now when he is refusing to talk to me, sulking and blaming, I would be tearing myself apart trying to find a way to 'fix" it. If this was happening 12 months ago i would be on here in agony trying to work out what words to say, how to somehow 'get back" the loving happy guy I had been enjoying.

I hope it's different this time, and he's just had a "slip" and he'll get back on the horse soon but you know what? He really might not. And I'm OK. I'm grateful to be out of the line of fire and grateful to no longer be responsible for his rollercoaster.

I'm a little sad that he isn't Mr Loving rational superman anymore after several months of enjoying his best (and I was enjoying it; he was very attentive, aware, smart and fun and all of the parts of him that I love most) and I feel a bit of a loss.

But it isn't crushing or consuming as it once was. That's his journey. I didn't cause, can't control and can't cure it. I appreciated, loved and enjoyed him at his best  And now he is seemingly sinking back into his worst I am glad I am in a position to detach and let him sort it out from a long distance. And I think, really, I'm glad he has that dignity now. He doesn't have me watching his every move or making him feel like crap. He'll get through it however he gets through it and I won't know about most of it and I'm thankful for that on many levels.

Grateful for where I am at right now.

Missing him, yeah,  as we really were getting close again but, glad to be well out of the firing line and still relatively happy and grounded. This is how it is with him and it is nothing at all to do with me.

Yay for progress

Thanks for listening.