The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel a bit bad writing this. Some of you know my story already. Broke up a week and a half ago with my recovering A. It was the first time that I was angry and I mean ANGRY. He has a history of leaving (3times in the first year). I told him the last time that if he were to do it again not to come back. That was over a year ago and things have been wonderful since and he told me repeatedly that he felt the same way during this past year.
A week ago Friday he didn't think that my response to a text from a friend was appropriate. He didn't speak to me for a day which is very unusual since we spoke and texted several times each day. When he finally called he told me that he thinks that were two very different people and that he was "reevaluating our relationship". I asked him to stop over after his Open so that I could talk to him and told him I was mad. He did stop by and he let me say my peace. I did so very calmly and - although had not joined Al-Anon yet - I can honestly say that I said what I meant, meant what I said and didn't say it meanly. I told him that I thought that I deserved better than to always have him threatening to leave. I told hIm that I thought we had something special and that he meant it when he said he loved me but that now I was doubting both. He waited until I was finished and asked "are you done?" When I answered yes he said "ok I'm going home". That's when I lost it. I followed him thru my house saying -no - yelling that he couldnt leave me hanging. He turned and said "what do you want me to do? If you want a decision now I'll return your key and it's over". I told him I wanted him to make a decision. Well, I got it. He returned my key and walked out. Actually, I didn't let him leave until I pulled his key out of my pocket and gave it to him. I could see that he was surprised that I had it ready to give back.
I know that I was wrong. I know that I was trying to control the situation. I know that having his key ready was me trying to get a reaction from him. And I know that it was all said out of pure anger. That said, I also know that it was the first time that he ever saw me that way. I love this man. I've tried to control my mouth more with him than with anyone before. I've tried to keep from saying things that may cause his head to go a little off center. I guess I tried to respond rather than react. More than anything, I've tried to support him in everything, especially his recovery. He has done the same for me. He actually suggested that I attend an Al-Anon meeting because he knew that it would be helpful to ME.
Anyway, now I'm regretting all of it. Don't get me wrong. I still believe that he's not the only one who can reevaluate our relationship. It just seems that my selfishness and anger pushed him into the decision he made.
So here's the needy part. I have some of his belongings at my house. I want to call him and let him know that he can get them at anytime. But I think my motives are screwed up. Theres a part of me that just wants to engage him in a conversation about what happened. I want to try to work thru this, but I'm concerned that I'd be forcing myself back into his world. I obviously don't know how he feels right now. If I were to guess I think that he misses me but is most likely done with it.
Todays reading in Courage to Change talks about my sense of urgency stemming from fear. I think that might just be case. I want to resolve this now because I'm afraid we won't have another chance to do it. However I am also the type of person who likes to talk things thru and forgive one another. I believe in HP and believe that He wants us to do just that.
So my head is spinning and I could use some advise.
There's another Al-Anon saying: "When in doubt, don't."
Undoubtedly you both did things in the heat of the moment that you might not have done if you had considered things carefully. However, this wasn't a momentary aberration in an otherwise rosy relationship. Obviously he had already had some problems with volatility and not knowing how to handle stress maturely, as shown by how he treated you those times you describe. And it sounds as if, however strong your feelings were, there were a lot of cracks and problems in the relationship in general. Those can be accompanied by strong feelings. In fact I think they usually are. The more a relationship is tumultuous and full of drama, the stronger the emotions that get invoked. Anger, fear, relief, craving, bliss, more fear, anger again, and on and on. A lot of times I've mistaken all this turmoil for great love. It certainly is emotional. So I'd suggest that even if you'd behaved perfectly in this last encounter, there were enough problems that things weren't going to hold as they were. You don't need to take all the responsibility on your shoulders, even though it's always tempting to indulge in the after-the-fact "What if"s.
To know how to cope with that kind of track record takes a lot of calm reflection. It sounds as if you've already started on your journey, reflecting and considering how to go about it, and cultivating awareness of those impulses and cravings that can lead us to make unwise choices.
I'd suggest that the best chance of having a happy relationship, whether with him down the line or with someone more ready to be in a healthy relationship, is to work on your own recovery. Reading the literature, going to meetings, finding a sponsor, working the steps. You already know what it's like to be in the kind of relationship with him that you've had. Some calm, and then a lot of storm again. And as the saying is, "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." The surest way to make the right changes is not to go back into the fray with him (even under the guise of exchanging stuff), but to work hard at the new healthy ways. There is enough time. You are safe.
Thank you both for your replies. I've heard the phrase "nothing changes if nothing changes" used in Monday's meeting (only my second meeting). That, as well as "if you always do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten". These make me sad. To me it sounds like it's best to just walk away. I really hope I'm just not understanding the meaning.
And Debb, my soul - which is where I believe my HP resides - tells me that we bring much joy to each other's lives. It's not perfect and there's room for improvement. It tells me to have faith in the love between us because its a gift directly from Him. And it tells me to let go of the fear of losing him.
Then, when my head starts spinning again, I can't come up with one reason why he (my ex) would want to be with me.
I'd suggest that it is not urgent to figure it out right now. I know it feels unsettled and anxiety-producing: "How will it work out? Will it be okay? Should I do something to make sure it will be okay?" But you don't have to decide to walk away, or to accept walking away, OR not to walk away, or to figure out how to make it work while not walking away. To quote yet another saying, "More will be revealed." It's like walking over a hilly landscape - you may only see one bit at a time, but you know the larger whole is there. You don't have to wonder what he would see in you, or why he might love you. You are certainly lovable, but that's far from the only thing in the equation. The many other things in the equation will become clear as you go purposefully through the program, and the answers will become clear without having to force them. I know it's hard to have faith in this when you're early in the journey. I myself secretly did have the conviction that I was the only person in the world who was weird/damaged/different/special enough that these things wouldn't apply to me and therefore my case was hopeless! Come to find out that we're all in this together. You can see how much hope, health, and serenity many of the people on these boards have found - that is in store for everyone who works the program - even me, even you. I know how hard it is to relax and let go of the worry - to "Let go and let God." But you can. You're so worth it.
I am sorry about your current state. I am one who doesn't like unfinished business.....it kind of stifles me at times in many ways.
One tool my sponsor gave me the permission to use is to write a letter. Write out exactly what you feel you need to say, and say your peace in that letter.
Leave it alone for at least 24-48 hours, and then reread it. See if it still makes exact sense based on your feelings and your program.
Treat it as if it's a 4th step, and share it with your sponsor or a trusted program friend for feedback.
If it still makes sense at the end of all this, and you feel it's a healing, empathetic letter that will improve your program, you can send it.
I've written countless letters to my A sons and my A husband over the years. I have sent a few, but I have hundreds that were written to heal me. Venting on paper with the intent of delivery is a therapeutic process for me.
Just another tool to consider. I would not call, text, invite over, etc. I agree with the 'When in doubt, don't' tool and it's saved me more times that I can count. I am a huge believer in, "Pray about it, Write about it & Talk about it." It's a great tool for me when I have competing thoughts in my brain that are twisting around.
(((Hugs))) to you - keep coming back - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know how hard it is to relax and let go of the worry - to "Let go and let God." But you can. You're so worth it.