The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a deeply insecure person, with severe self-esteem issues. I have social anxiety and phobia and I've developed very codependent behavior throughout the years. So I'm basically a mess.
There's a long, painful history that has pushed me onto this path, but I accept and realize that I'm ultimately responsible for my own issues and problems, so I'm not using that history as an excuse, at least not on purpose.
I've been going to a therapist and attended a anti-anxiety course held by two therapists, and I'm currently attending Al-Anon family group meetings twice a week on average. I got a sponsor there, but he's moving away and I haven't gotten a new sponsor yet, so I haven't worked on the 12 steps as much as I would like. I've been struggling with the idea of a higher power, as I'm not religious, and how I can fit that into my head in a sincere way.
Despite this I'm not making enough progress.
My girlfriend is leaving me because, understandably, it's too much of a strain on our relationship that I'm too insecure and not trusting enough. Because of that I either instigate fights or maintain them too much (never on purpose). I've done things to earn her mistrust, I've never cheated or been violent, but I've ruined too many things and cast a shadow on our happiness. While I recognize this I also know that I'm not alone in this, that it isn't only my responsibility to make the relationship work. That being said, the main reason everything is falling apart is because I don't control my emotions and insecurities well enough. She feels I haven't been doing enough to work on my issues, that had I been doing enough then I would have made more progress.
I feel like I've been doing a lot, at least more than I have ever done previously in my life, but just like my girlfriend I am desperate to see and feel more change.
The bottom line is that because I'm so messed up, because I'm so terribly insecure, I can't trust anything 100%. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but there's a tiny little nagging sliver of a doubt that grabs me from time to time and tells me I'm not worthy of her love so of course she doesn't actually love me. And then that tiny doubt starts feeding on itself and spirals out of control.
How do I stop that? How do I learn to trust? Is it too late for me to earn her trust again?
Sounds as if you are taking all the right actions and have a great deal of self awareness. Recovery is a process and takes time The Steps. slogans, and Meetings will all help you to reach your goal. I did not believe in an HP when I entered the rooms and decided to use the program, the principles as my HP, as it certainly proved to be a "power greater than myself "..
Remember we need to learn to trust ourselves and HP before we can transfer that trust to others.
I'm sorry that you're going thru this. I lost the love of my life two weeks ago and I'm still distraught. I'm not truly sure why he left. In short, the first year he left three times for reasons that he was never able to explain in a way that I understood. Some said it was fear and not believing that a relationship could be good AND drama free. I don't know the reasons and may never understand.
I set a healthy boundary for myself a year ago and told him if he were to do it again I would not take him back. For a year things were incredibly good. It took that long for me to regain trust in him. Two weeks ago he left again and again for what seemed to me to be a small and easily overcome issue.
I joined Al-Anon to help me not only get thru the insanity that continually goes thru my head, but to also do some soul searching. I'm beginning to see that there was a part of me that didn't believe that I deserved the love that I had with him. But I do. And so do you. And so does your girlfriend.
It sounds to me that you HAVE made progress thru the steps. In fact, to a newbie like me you're an inspiration! Something was said in last nights meeting that may fit here. God's plan will happen in spite of me, not because of me. Keep moving forward, baby steps if need be. She may not be able to trust you - or you trust her - until you learn to trust yourself.
Good morning Iceland and welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you are here!
This program only asks us to 'believe in a power great than ourselves." This can be the group, a sponsor or a counselor or nature or eternity or ??? - we get to decide and choose what we believe our strength comes from, so long as it's great than us. I believe that healing, peace, serenity, strength and grace are all signs for me that a power greater than me is working for me and on me to become the best person I can become.
We do not seek perfection; we strive for progress. I view the good/bad moments in my life as opportunities to learn and do better/different/more. For me and my program, that's also a sign that a power greater than I is working.
I am so sorry for your pain - most of us have been there. It is through that very pointed pain that brought me to surrender and ask for help. You are here and are also reaching out, which is a show of strength and character. When I arrived, I felt that I would be healthy, happy and whole when those around me acted differently. What I have since learned is that when I keep the focus on me, and that which I can control, I am happy, healthy and closer to whole no matter what they are doing.
This program has taught me how to find peace, serenity, grace and compassion in spite of any outside distractions. This program has taught me that I am powerless over people, places and things and things don't go well when I try to influence the outcome 'my way'. When I instead put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing, things work out exactly as they are supposed to.
One Day at a Time is a wonderful slogan for me when I am worried, anxious, sad or fearful. When I look around me, and realize that for this moment on this day, I am OK it gives me peace that I am just fine. Hang in there and keep coming back! You are not alone and we are just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is a place and a program for those of us who have been living in chaos and sadness to turn things around and find the tools to live a calm and happy life. I could never have dreamed my life would be so much better, and I know that is waiting for you too. It takes work and determination, but it is so worth it.
I want to say a little word about how powerful language is. The phrase "the love of my life" implies so many things, like that you'll never find anyone you love as much, that it was "meant to be," that life is empty without that person.
Here's what I found about the "loves of my life." I found that the emotions were strong and overwhelming - the attachment was so great that you practically had to crowbar me away from the person to get me to let go. I interpreted that overwhelmingly strong feeling as love, and certainly it was attachment. In it was a lot of fear and a hope that the person would provide a vital fulfillment for me. It never got to the place of that vital fulfillment, because so many problems cropped up. But I remembered some wonderful times early in the relationship where I was full of bliss, and I spent long times wanting to recapture those.
It turned out that that bliss was largely an illusion, because it was based on not knowing how much dysfunction was in the relationship (the other person's dysfunction in addition to mine!). It was that early dream honeymoon state that many relationships have before everyday life sets in. Then everyday life was full of so much drama and turmoil that the relationship was full of highs and lows - which was addictive in itself, though sometimes miserable. The highs were partly a reaction to the lows - "I was afraid I'd lost him! But I didn't! I'm so ecstatic to be back together again!" Not about how we really got along as people.
Because of all this emotion, I thought they were the love of my life. It turned out that there are many people out there, many of them healthier than the people I had chosen to stay with. An abundance of good people. I couldn't see that until later.
I hope you'll keep these things in mind as you weather these storms and this pain. There is a lot of hope. Hang in there. Take good care of yourself.
Aloha Iceland and welcome to the board...So where do you want to start? Where did you find your greatest progress? You have made changes that must bring confidence and to that I had to add the expectation of time. If I added more program work and experience over a longer time I would experience greater growth. That is how this works. The will be times when the "old stuff" comes back up to remind us that we have failed though I was told and taught that I wasn't a failure. I had to let go of thoughts and expectations of perfection and to learn that I didn't ever know what perfection was...so doing better was growth. I can imagine that you have so many moments of "second guessing" yourself...I did that also and learned how to reach out to others and their experiences instead of second guessing. My sponsor and the fellowship of Al-Anon had the experiences I needed so I got humble (teachable) and patient and trusting. That worked for me. Get another sponsor as early as you can and trust that sponsor and their experiences. You don't have to make your sponsor your higher power as they are in the same program for the same reason as you are however it is their experiences which should be better or stronger than yours. Initially my Higher Power was based from within my religious upbringing how ever over time with work and practice my Higher Power became cultural; Hawaiian...my creator father just as First Nation Peoples believe. In fact it was thru the experiences of First Nation People in Al-Anon that the change came about as it is today.
You might lose her and you might not. If you have it in your mind that you already have then its happened and it will be better to accept and move up and on. If you have wait in your mind more strongly with a focus on recovery because you have become the love of your life things may certainly be better.
Good evening Iceland, sending good thoughts your way tonight! I know the pain of break ups, insecurities and all that so well, most here do.
My insecure little self hung on to the wrong ones like glue!!!
Anyway bear with me for little story about a recent camping trip in the mountains.
My love and I had this fight the other day, two things were very different from my past "loves"
I didn't take any drastic steps, say things I didn't mean or make it all dramatic (wait yes I did for a while, woops)... I was (mostly) just mad at what he had done. (He left me on a mountainside on horse back because I wouldn't cross a river- he said I'm not coming back across and I said I'm not crossing it.. so there ya go- two hard heads- There were other people coming along the trail but I spent some time trying to figure out what next. The thing is in the past I would have made it all about his value for me and kept dragging it up trying to get closure or reassurance that he did value me.
2nd and most important- we now laugh about it and I DO NOT have that nagging feeling in my gut.. In the past I would have worried myself sick for weeks or longer is the relationship in trouble, is he still mad at me.. do I really need to trust him... and be with him or is this a huge mistake.
After we caught the horse that I had let go on the thousand acre mountainside (yep my guy was really mad too for a while) I told him "I was so mad at you for leaving me I (briefly) thought of catching a greyhound bus home - but then I realized I didn't really want to leave you and that was just too much Drama and expense to try to make a point. He immediately laughed a little and said something like "-that's why we work so well together" or something like that... anyway my point like my sponsor told me back in the day--It's okay to love someone and let them leave. There may be a better plan for you. Im sure glad I finally stopped trying to make things work that were not working!!
Yes it hurts like heck to let go of a relationship especially if "it hasn't yet had time to become what you want it to be" worst thought mistake I ever made.
For me insecurities were hard to kick until I really understood the Higher Power part of the program- I'm not religious at all, matter of fact I'm down right pissed off at traditional churches! It's not about that,, it just about me admitting I'm not the boss of the universe and someone/something else is.
I think alanon will help, but coda maybe even more. The biggest love of your life needs to be you. All relationships will suffer til you work out some of those issues. Do things to help you feel proud of yourself. Accomplish what you want and set healthy and achieable goals and meet them. Focus on loving you. Until you can do that, relationships will be bandaids holding you together.
