Hi,

I just wanted to welcome you and to tell you you are not alone. I went to Al-Anon as a child with my mother because my father was alcoholic. He was sober for the last 10 to 12 years of his life and died about 13 to 14 years ago. We (my sisters and I) were raised in a very Christian environment and I still believe very strongly that Christianity, for me, is essential in overcoming alcoholism.

My husband of over 20 years is now four months sober. It is a vicious cycle and one I have just recently come to understand at its deepest level. I pray my daughter will not turn to alcohol or to an alcoholic for her contentment and self-worth when she becomes an adult.

You did the right thing. I can honestly say that no amount of crying, pleading, yelling, screaming, giving the silent treatment, manipulation, or control on your part will do anything to stop someone from drinking or help them get into recovery. It is actually very counterproductive. I can say this honestly because I have done it all. The only thing that did help was when I said no more! This may or may not have an effect on your daughter, but at least she will feel the consequences of her actions and that is very necessary.

Alcoholics have a great ability to make us feel as if we owe them something. Many of us feel guilty for some reason and the alcoholic is very good at using this for the benefit of their disease. It is not intentional. They simply cannot help themselves as long as we are doing it for them. They have to do it for themselves. For someone who loves very deeply to step back and let the person they love suffer is almost unbearable. It is, however, essential for the alcoholic to ever obtain real and lasting sobriety.

A few years ago I went back to Al-Anon and, although the only local group was not a good match for me, the lessons learned have taken hold and where the basis for how I dealt with things after that. My relationship with my husband went from not good to no longer acceptable. Despite the ups and downs and the knowledge of the lies and other problems I stayed but I gradually stopped making excuses for him. I still did all of the things I should not have done...perhaps even worse than before because everything was coming to a head.

On the day he got his DUI, I had gone to see a lawyer. I did not follow through then only because he was (in my honest opinion) suicidal with the knowledge that he was losing everything. He could not function On any level. He was going to lose his job, his career, his family, his home, and everything he had ever worked for. I simply didn't care anymore and treated him like the nuisance he had become. It was so liberating at the time. Despite my postponement, I fully intended to file for divorce and be done. Thank God I did not do that!

For the first time he had to get himself out of this one and nobody cared. It was because of desperation on his part that he reached out to a person in AA and found a way to get sober. Yes, I did give him the person's name and contact number, but no I did not do it for him. He had to do it himself. He still does.  he can not even allow himself to do activities he did for enjoyment because they ALL included alcohol.  Now, despite his work requiring great amounts of overnight travel, he goes to meetings almost every day when he is home. He has to. 

I will not lie and say everything is perfect every day. His brain will be forever damaged from the many years of drinking, but he is regaining function of his body and of his mind. He started drinking at 10 years old and drink until he was 45. For the first time ever, this very weekend, I saw him exhibit empathy. That in itself proved to me that a person can change if they want it bad enough and if they do the work. I do not believe he could ever succeed without AA. I read this board every day, morning and night, and use the experience and knowledge of the members here to help me do the right thing. I still make mistakes, but I am working the program as best I can. It works.  Without it, I would have given up. 

This weekend was quite difficult because we had several episodes of miscommunication and what appeared one way to me was in fact something quite different. He often thinks he says something in a positive way (in his head), but he saying quite the opposite out loud. He finally realized on Sunday that is brain still not quite right. It felt good to see the difference In him actually trying to see the other person's side of things.

My story is here simply to give you hope. Your daughter can succeed and she can get sober. She just has to want it bad enough.

Please keep coming back and please consider face-to-face meetings if you can. No one will judge you and no one will condemn anything you have done. We have all made many many mistakes.  The members will give you the tools to save yourself and, by saving yourself, you may be able to show her a better way. That way, however, she has to find for herself.

Please be patient with yourself and don't let this disease destroy even more people in its wake.  It is a killer of people, of families, of hopes, and of dreams.  But, it can be "controlled" and sobriety and true happiness are possible.