The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well dear friends first let me say hello! I've been away from this board for about 6 weeks or so. In way of excuse, I have been really messed up so much so that I couldn't even really come here to describe.
being an alonon is not just about when we live with alcoholics I'm a true people pleaser to the point that it "kills me" when others are not happy with me even when they are wrong or mean, I keep coming back for more. I"M a control freak through and through. Alcohol involved or not I think I have the power to control other's behavior and will kill myself trying.
The greatest loss of my life happened June 23, 2015. My father was killed in a car accident. There was resulting drama with the family, some ugly words said by me in retaliation to horrible ongoing jabs I had been receiving from my Mom Brother and Sister. They were just waiting for me to react and eventually I did ( oh the satisfaction I would feel now if I had somehow not reacted) I feel I would have either had to be super human or have left my Dad's home/ the service etc to have not reacted. It took a while to have a chance to apologize .. when I did apologize it did not go well I was told to stop my blubbering etc... the fact is that nothing would have gone well.. I know this to be true.
My plan is to study about forgiveness to others. when others won't forgive you and the difference in turning the other cheek and seeking to clear hard feelings when you can and begging for more bullying.
To relearn about how to take care of me, still be good to others but not expect to be able to fix things for others. and on and on
I've been accused of stupid things like stealing my Dad's computer and a gold necklace (who know what else) from my mothers home- although I have not been there since the service. all kinds of crazy stuff and the worst part is one night I hit bottom and sent a bunch of stupid retaliatory emails- dumb proof that I'm the crazy one- not really but pretty sure that's how it looks.
My Dad legally "deeded" my house to me several months ago (I had always paid for it but he bailed me out when I hit financial rock bottom ,anyone else here ever loved an alcoholic and hit financial rock bottom) I got better and have been making payments just fine. Anyway the house is a "deeded" as it can get in Texas- my brother and sister and mother are tying to demand I sell it which legally my attorney says would be really hard for them to do and take a lot of time and money to even be a slight possibility but the constant threats are grinding on me. So there will be some legal drama to continue with them and it's hard to even know where to start, when to let go, when I make payments will they get applied properly etc.. so I must get better!
bad thing is in my heart I still want to inflict more pain on these three horrible people.. I'm gonna try to keep my head and like I said "get better" but it's true.
I've been called "poor me" and drama queen and accused of making it all about me, honestly these are things I do and always have but when my Dad's death happened all I wanted to do was gather my family around me and be close ( why I didn't stop and think of what a train wreck it was really going to be I'm not sure except I also excel at unrealistic expectaions and thinking I have so much more control than I do!
I also was closer to my Dad the last 10 years of his life and recently took a trip with him when he was upset with MOM- just saying if their behavior is about hurt feelings or jealousy it's pretty justified, I HONESTLY tried to down play the fact that I know every detail of how he wanted life to be after his death for MOM us kids where they are financially and how much he loved us ALL.
Dad and I has no unfinished business, I knew what he thought, he knew that I loved him, he knew I am better now more stable than ever before and intend to keep on trying,, I'm so happy for that so I wonder why I let this other stuff cloud my mind.
Thanks for letting me share. THanks for being here!
I'm sorry for your loss Glad, and that this sad time has been made extra hard by scapegoating and family drama.
Remember that what others think of you is none of your business, and you have a right to grieve without taking on other people's nonsense.
I'm glad that you felt at peace with your dad when he passed, and I'm glad you have reached out here.
Hugs!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome back Glad and so very sorry for your loss and that which had followed.
Please stay close to your program and just stay in each day as it comes. HP will lead you to the next right thing!
(((Hugs))) to you....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Dear Glad))), I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father and the continued insanity that you are dealing with. I do so understand reacting and sending emails and then regretting it.Been there done that
Youhave just done a great Step 10 on the subject and since Al-Anon reminds us that anger and resentment only hurt us, the best amend that we can make to ourselves is to let go of the anger. It is not easy but I found that if I repeat a slogan, or serenity prayer over and over, it lifts and the serenity of my higher power enters.
Many prayers and positive thoughts are going out to you
Glad...so very sorry for your loss and the drama that comes when some one in family passes. It is sooooo predictable and ugly unless you've got good program with unbridled compassion and empathy for yourself and those who loose composure in it all. You know the program works when you work it so work it cause you're worth it and we'll stay in support. (((((hugs)))))
