The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been quietly reading posts for a week or two and appreciate this board.
I'm new here, having popped in and out of alanon for years in between relationships with active alcoholics. I eventuality quit dating 3 years ago because I was tired of the same patterns. About a year ago, I realized that I had transferred all my same patterns to my sister, who is also my boss. I've spent the last year really working on myself and learning boundaries and detachment. I am trying to find a local group so that I can start working the program, something I've never really done.
I would love some advice on finding a sponsor and beginning step work.
Also, I've met a man who has been in recovery for 6 years. I've never dated anyone in recovery. I really like him and he's actively pursuing me. I don't know if I'm stronge enough yet for any relationship, nevermind one with addiction. I've told him nothing physical for a while, that I want to take it slow. I don't trust my judgement with men. But maybe someone in recovery would be good?
Hi stillsMilin , welcome to MIP. I appreciate your honesty and courage and applaud your decision to go slow in a new relationship. It does sound as if you are keeping the focus on yourself, which is one of the powerful tools Al-Anon promotes.
Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and it is suggested you try six different ones before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. There are Beginners meetings where the tools are explained and talked about, Speaker meetings, where an experienced member will share their experience strength and hope on a topic,Literature, meetings, where the focus is maintained on the Daily Readers and Step and Tradition meetings where members study the steps and traditions together.
I know I attended several different meetings before deciding on a sponsor. The slogans are simple little pieces of wisdom that I picked up and could use right away in order to pursue my recovery.
I listened to members at meetings, appreciated the shares and their recovery, and then decided to ask one to be my sponsor. The first person I asked had too many sponsees and had to refuse-- the second agreed that it has been a powerful relationships since.
Good luck on your new endeavors in your new relationship and Al-Anon meetings. They will both complement each other.
Depends...Relationships always unfold and it's not so much that the picker is bad for alanon folks (though that is part of it), but really the "keeper" mechanism is broken more so because when giant red flags reveal themselves, we alanoners often ignore them, minimize them, and then continue on in the relationship until those red flags mount and it becomes a disaster. For me, I always wanted to skip the dating phase of a relationship which is where you just go out on dates and are not fully committed and are getting to know each other. This phase should probably last a bit and then you are committed...boyfriend/girlfriend later on. And then...maybe...maybe...living together after a year or more together. It's not so much the physical thing that is dangerous in terms of moving too fast, it is entangling your whole life that you have built with someone else whom you don't know that well and whom you haven't observed over a lengthy period of time to be more confident living together might work. That was my problem - moving from dating to living together WAY too fast. Alcoholics need enablers so they are usually game for that and that is why I attracted alcoholics too.
So...6 years in recovery? What does that mean? Does that mean 6 years sober or lots of relapses while "in recovery" for those 6 years. Just look out for red flags and if things don't seem right, you CAN end a relationship. Not everything needs to be "worked on" or "talked through." Especially early on when you can just walk away easily. If there are multiple things popping up that need to be "worked on" or "talked through" or where someone "needs to (insert anything) differently", it's probably something you should end and look for someone you click with better. Relationships are not supposed to be fraught with problems from the get go. If you need constant reassurance and praise or whatever, some of that might be your issue and maybe you are not ready for a relationship. I don't know. You will find out by being honest, trying to find someone else honest and then moving forward.
As far as "transferring patterns" to your sister. I don't understand that. Far more likely you grew up observing the same relationship patterns from your parents or others and that is why you have the similarities. You can't transfer patterns of codependency to a sibling. Don't blame yourself for things that aren't your fault. That is another common problem we alanoners have.
I've come to conclude that I have to draw a line at having a relationship with an addict, no matter how long he's been in recovery. My tendency to relapse into the same codependency and dynamics is just too strong. It's like an alcoholic walking into a bar and saying he'll just have juice. That's what I'm like around an addict. Even if the bartender is giving me juice, I start thinking about the addictive substance... I start falling into the old patterns. And the tendency of alcoholics in recovery to head into those same alcoholic-codepedent dynamics are much higher with us than when they're with people who haven't ever enabled. I know some people with a lot of recovery can handle it. But it's just too risky for me.
I also know that tendency that when someone is pursuing me, I think, "I've struck it lucky! I thought the well was dry, but someone wants me! This makes finding a relationship so much easier!" So I tend to give him an easier pass than with someone who wasn't in active pursuit. I think that's part of my deprivation mentality rather than a real assessment of the situation.
Wow, thank you all for your responses. I needed to hear everyone of them.
Hotrod, I like the idea of six meetings. I've found two groups that feel comfortable so I will keep going and hopefully find someone who fits.
Pinkchip - you have described every one of my past relationships! And this one, too. We A few houses away from each other so we've been taking walks and hanging out almost daily but we've really only been on one date. He's left flowers at my door and he's sending texts about wishing he was waking up with me. It's only been two weeks! I created a physical boundary because it was the only way I know how to slow it down. And, since you've mentioned it, I'm not sure what 6 years means to him. I have a lot to learn. As for my sister, I just lost myself in her chaos and lost my own identity to her goals, her company and my job. I'm just barely starting to find myself again beyond the chaos. She has her own issues but the stronger I get, the better our relationship becomes.
Mattie, I'm afraid I might be a lot like you and this could be too risky. I think you described it perfectly when you said his tendency is likely to seek someone like me. I bring the dynamic that the unhealthy side of us craves. He's so into me. it's fun, exciting and certainly flattering.. But that's a red flag, isn't it? It scares me a little.
I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night with a group I haven't been to. I'm so glad in found this board.
Thanks, Debb. I have a schedule for my area. Sadly there are only a few that fit around my work and family commitments but fortunately, there are a few. Thanks for responding :)
-- Edited by stillsmilin321 on Sunday 9th of August 2015 08:50:56 AM
I just got divorced and i know i am
Not ready for a new relationship.
I need to heal me first. On the inside
Out.
I think most of us come from family
Dysfunction from alcoholism or alcoholism
Itself. I Know what my upbringing was like
and We bring that with us.
I do not want another relationship with
An addict. Like others said i did not bail
When things turned bad. I kept hoping
For the good to return well it didnt it got
Worse and more toxic. My xah was long
Term dry and has been attending AA since
2011.
Go to the meetings for you and your healing
And growth. It is a lot of hard work and soul
Searching but so well worth it.
I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to post!
Love that you've found some meetings to try - that's a great way to explore Al-Anon. We also have 2 meetings a day here - look to the top left, and you'll find the schedule and the link to the chat/meeting room.
As far as the steps, if you look to the right, you'll see a link to the steps - Betty (hotrod) is also posting a new step every 2 weeks, starting Step 1 just 3 weeks ago and Step 2 was posted earlier this past week. Yet another way to get more traction into recovery if you choose to join us.
I have no relationship advice as I've decided that my picker is broken.....for now! I am married still and am staying put for now. It's broken, but comfortably so at this point in my life/recovery.
Again - glad you're here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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