Sorry to bang on and on about this but it really helps to bring this here and talk my way through it while I'm implementing changes.

Daughter starts her class tomorrow which is fine as it's not a "visitation' weekend anyway. Next week the class is actually on a break so her father is expecting her for his last full weekend for the rest of the school term. Anyway she came home today with a note advising the time and date of the final of the "Tournament of the Minds' which is exactly what it sounds like, a competitive Nerdathon in which daughter is representing her school. I'm more than a little proud of her. You know the kind of thing. So it's a big deal and she's one of a team of 4 kids so it's important she be there. And if course....it's Sunday of the weekend she is going to be at her fathers.

So my immediate reaction was to feel sick and start panicking about how he would react after all of yesterday's nonsense. I took a picture of the notice and texted it to him with a brief note to say "this falls on your weekend. It's important that she attend; will you be able to bring her?"

Of course the phone rang a few seconds later and as per the plan I made with the DV lady yesterday, I told him "Before we talk I have to tell you that I'm recording our conversation. Do you consent to this?"

He said 'What if I don't want to be recorded? What will you do then?" and I said "that's fine, I'll have to hang up as I would be breaking the law to record you without your consent". 

When he ridicules to me he uses this very exaggerated loud slow voice as if he is teasing an intellectually disabled child. So he took 2-3 minutes to say loudly and slowly "Ohhhhh, so it would be ILL-EEEEEEEE-GAL would it? Weeeeeeeellllllllll. We couldn't have you doing anything ILLLLLL-EEEEEEEED-GAAAAAAAAALLLLLL could we? NOOOOOOOOOO. NO,NO,NO, WE COULDN'T HAVE THAAAAAT. HEAVEN F0RBID YOU DO ANYTHING ILLLLEEEEEEGAAAAAALLL, GOODNESS ME, NO NO NO, WE CAN'T HAVE YOU BREAKING THE LAAAAAAW". And so on and on, you get the idea. I didn't say anything, I just let him rave on until he ran out of steam. 

Anyway such is my reaction to him now that I can't breath when I talk to him and my pulse races and I sound like I am having a heart attack; it's very obvious and my voice is very shakey. I asked if he was able to take her to the event and he told me angrily that the picture I sent him was upside down (oh well, S... happens? It wasn't upside down when i took it) and that he doesn't have time for my little games and he is at work. (that explains why he called me to waste several minutes on his bizarre sarcasm routine). 

I told him what the event was and when, and he continued with the sarcasm and belittling and I didn't react because knowing I was recording it changed everything for me. It took away the fear of getting sucked into the crazy; in a sense I felt as if there was someone with me listening to the conversation and holding my hand. 

He said in the same ridiculous exaggerated voice "well, I think I WILL bring her to the event and I might just stay and watch it. What do you think about THAT?"

I said "that's splendid, that's what I was hoping you would say." 

"Oooooh, well GOOOOOD. WE"RE AAALLLL HAPPY THEN. ISN'T THAT NICE?"

Then at the end of the call he took another few minutes to slowly yell 'SOOOOOOOOO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LITTLE RECORDING? ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP IT ON YOUR COMPUTER? ARE YOU? IN A FOLDER ON YOUR LITTLE COMPUTER? THAT'S NICE" and so on. Really bizarre stuff.

So, I was really upset at first thinking "well, that didn't help at all, he doesn't care if I record him, in fact he was really over the top".

But then I reviewed the conversation and good grief. Usually i imagine myself sounding stupid and pathetic and crazy when I talk to him because I get all twisted up and upset and confused trying to navigate the nonsense. Hearing it replayed was very eye-opening.

Even to my own self critical ears I hear an obviously distressed and frightened woman trying to organise a school event and a loud weirdo ridiculing and shouting nonsense. He sounds so unhinged, like a playground bully just ranting nonsense and trying to be intimidating.

So I realised this is such a great idea; it helps me to stay focused on only dealing with the necessary facts and not reacting to the weird stuff and hearing it back takes away the self doubt and buying into the stuff he says. 

Anyway just before I got a text message to say 'I will take her to the event, please send me the time and address" and then a polite "Thank-you, I will be in touch next week".

So it was effective on a heap of levels. I think he won't bother to try to force me into phone calls now because I've taken away all the fun of it for him. It also reinforced what the lady told me yesterday, which was that I may have become used to it over the years but that it is constant stress and intimidation coming at me from outside and that it has to come to an end for my own sanity.

I feel I have taken a really positive step and that's empowering. I also spoke today with the face to face counsellor I will be seeing next week and she ran me through the process and all of the ways that they can help me protect myself from abuse and harrassment. It was interesting that she would not give me an actual address but just a description of approximate location and a phone number to call when I get there so that someone can escort me in to the premises. That tells me that they take it all very seriously and I won't be belittled or dismissed there. I need this kind of support and I'm so pleased I have finally found it and taken hold of it.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, and the support.

And sorry for the blow by blow; it's just helpful to discuss it and not churn it around and around my head second guessing myself.