The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is a drinking in the past 3 days he has consumed 60 0z, 26oz and 40oz bottles. I watched him in horror as he almost got sick yesterday but continued to drink while almost barfing. Then he was fine, out to a concert where you would never know he had been drinking. Drank 4 beer in 2 hours and passed out on the way home. Today he is out golfing. I have no idea how he does it. I would be so sick I would not move for days!!!
He is having more and more 3 day drinking binges like the one he is currently on. I think this will be his first 4 day binge as I am sure he is drinking at the golf course too. I realize his drinking is his problem, but it is really hard to watch and wrap your head around. He must feel like shit? How can he keep going? How can he keep working, or going out to events and golf and appear to be not drunk? In public anyway, when he is at home he is drunk and you know it. He has many stages during his intense drinking binges, first he gets relaxed and fun, then he gets silly and stupid, then he gets serious, next comes I am better than everyone else, than he becomes verbally abusive to me the kids which are 19 and 20 years old. When this binges end, he is fine and the drinking stops sometimes for days, weeks, months even years. One time he quick drinking for 6 years. During those 6 years he swung over the heavy exercise routine and when hard as hard at exercise as he did at he bottle. He was difficult then too.
He also has another pattern, when he stops drinking he is oh so nice to everyone for a long time. This is most likely his guilt and shame at having been on a 3 day bender. After a few days this wears off and he feels nobody is grateful for his kindness. Frankly we are tired of the same old same old patterns and have no respect for him. He just wants to pick up like we never heard what he said. Right? Try and you might to block out those words, some do sink in. Plus I believe that when you are drunk you say what you really feel. The other night he was on about us getting divorced. The next day when he realized what he would lose, he back tracked, but I am beginning to think that a divorce is a good idea because I find it hard to ride his emotional roller coaster and the verbal abuse is effecting me negatively.
I am recovering from PTSD myself. I do not work. My PTSD is from the war and I never, ever expected I would be in this position. My career was my life, the military contractor I worked for forced me out so I have not benefits, and a small disability for Canada Pension. So yes, it has been difficult for him to see me decline, but I am getting well now. I have found peace with all this, have a great therapist and I am happy and stable. His drinking is threatening all this so my therapist says and that I need to look out for me first and leave. I have so much guilt over the thought of leaving. Alcoholism is a illness, it would be like leaving someone because they have cancer in my mind. He did not leave me when I got sick, mind you he has not been supportive because he does not believe in PTSD and therapists. I have asked him to get help, but he says he can handle it on his own.
The move I improve the harder it is to watch him drink himself to death. He still works, has a good job, but gets to work from home 3 days a week. Over the past year of this new working arrangement he has had more and more 3 day binges. He logons in his work computer, but watches movies and drinks while he is suppose to be working. He is well respected at work so no one ever questions him or what he is doing. I know his family, friends and co-workers would be shocked to know just how much alcohol he consumes.
So I thought I would try out this site before going to a meeting. I am not a religious person and the whole AA thing is all based on religion. It is just my personal belief and I would never discuss my beliefs with anyone or put them down for that they believe in. I believe everyone has a right to their own personal believes and no one is wrong in believing, it is just not for me. My therapist has suggested AL-ANON a few times, but I do not want to go to churchy meetings where we praise god and say prayers. This is why I thought I would try here first and get a feel for what a meeting is like.
I think you may be a bit misguided on your view of Al Anon. Not all meetings are held in churchs though I think a lot are just for the fact that churches have rooms available for rent for a cheap $ or are free. There is an element of religion but it is up to you to decide who your higher power is. Although the al anon meetings do end with the serenity prayer, it is really non denominal. I think you should check a face to face meeting out as I think you would be plesantly surprised on how these meetings go and will help you.
I am very sorry about your husband. I know first hand how hard it is to live with an active alcoholic spouse....especially when there are kids involved. It sounds like you have been through a lot and reaching out on these boards and going to a therapist is a great step. My therapist told me for years that I should go to Al Anon and it took me years to step through the door of a face to face meeting. For me it was partially because I was deep in denial that my husband had a drinking problem. When I finally came to the realization that his function alcoholism was no longer "functioning" I went to my first meeting. That was five months ago and it was the best step I could make. I hope you find some peace and your situation improves. Sending you tons and tons of positive thoughts.
Hello Canuck welcome to MIP. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and clarity.I would like to point out that Al-Anon, as well as AA is a spiritual program and not in any way a religious one.
We believe in a power greater than ourselves, and that power we can each choose to define for ourselves. Ichose the philosophy, the principles and the tools of Al-Anon as the power greater than myself-- because I found such compassion, empathy and peace at the meetings. Nobody tried to sell me religion, or an idea, but just kept suggesting that I keep coming back. And I did.
I can so identify with your feelings and concerns. It is evident that you are aware that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It is also chronic and although it can be arrested it can never be cured. We who live with the disease develop many negative coping tools that affect our ability to live life to the fullest.
Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and it is suggested we try six different ones before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. The hotline number is in the white pages. We also have online meetings here two times a day that can give you an idea of what to expect. I assure you there is no singing or chanting - we each share our feelings our own experience strength and hope and support each other as we move thru life . The on line meetings are held in the chat room and the information is available on the chat room board.
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease and we need support in living with it or dealing with it. I'm glad that you are receiving support for your PTSD and pray that you continue to recover. Keep coming back
I too welcome you to MIP....So glad you found us and so glad you're here.
I will echo that both sides of the Alcoholism coin are spiritual based vs. religious based. I am a double winner (belong in both recovery groups) and religion is only discussed if one shares that they grew up in a specific faith based denomination. So, it's not about religion, it's about each persons journey to a better place - mentally, spiritually, emotionally and often physically.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It's a disease that affects those who partake as well as those who love/live with an alcoholic. For the loved ones, we often become obsessed with what they are doing, when they are doing it, how they are doing it, etc...
Al-Anon is about finding peace, serenity and joy no matter what else is going on in your family, world, etc. We work on ourselves to better understand why we act and react as we do. When I first came, I wanted help to fix my substance abusers; needless to say, my life has improved dramatically and I have joy even though two of three qualifiers are still active in their disease.
The lovely folks here shared the 3 Cs with me when I first stopped by. They told me that I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it. These 3 concepts were the first 'freedom' I felt from this disease in a long, long while. The sharing, caring, and ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) has been incredible and if it weren't for those here, I may never have found the courage to attend a F2F meeting. I have a sponsor who is also a double winner and she suggested it to me as well - it's exactly what I needed to find myself in this disease.
Al-Anon has a ton of tools that we use to keep the focus on us. We learn new ways to cope and grow. I am very grateful for Al-Anon and also am grateful you came by and posted!
Know that you are not alone and we're all just a post away. (((hugs))) to you - post away and we'll help if we can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Al Anon is a fellowship of people with similar problems: we all have a relative or a friend with a problem with alchohol. In fact, it may be only you that has the problem, the relative or friend may insist they don't have a problem, but if it is bothering you, then you qualify.
We Al Anon members are all familiar with our own patterns of our alcoholics. We are often *very* aware of our alcoholic's behavior patterns. One day, most of us wake up and decide that the world isn't all about the alcoholic. We discover that we have lost ourselves because, somehow, we got lost in the world of dealing with and protecting the alcoholic. Al Anon can help us get un-lost, rediscover ourselves, start to understand the boundaries between us and the alcoholic, and get to the point where, even though we are scared as hell, know how to move forward to do what is best for us. That may be leaving, that may be staying, every person is different.
Just like religions. Every person is different there. If you go to a meeting, in the opening to the meeting you will hear the chair say that discussing religion is discouraged. We have found that religious discussions tend to take us away from our focus, which is supporting each other in dealing with alcohol. There is definitely a spiritual element to Al Anon/AA, we believe in a higher power, but we try hard not to have a religious element. The Higher Power is of our own choosing. Some people choose to believe that the group is their higher power. Others are quite comfortable with having a higher power in the religion or spirituality that they already believe in.
thank you for getting back to me with this info. I have sent an email to the local group to see what meeting I should go to etc. I have so many questions. I have educated myself a lot on alcoholics and have good understanding it is his problem.
I just cannot stand the verbal abuse anymore and this last time it was really bad. I said to myself this is not going to get better it is only going to get worse until he gets some help. So I asked him if he would get help, nope. So I am now faced with the choice of living like this or leaving him. I hate he has put me in this situation and drove me to consider leaving him. It makes me so angry.
Despite telling myself repeatedly that it is the illness talking and setting boundaries about how to speak to me, some of this crap does get throw and leave a scar each time he is verbally abusive. No one should have to put up with this, and I am just fed up with the s**. He goes from abusive to very pleasant and nice and cannot understand why I hold anger and resentment towards him. When I remind him of what he said, he tell me, "I was drunk, come on I did not mean it, get over it". Well, I have no respect for you know and I need to be in a stable environment because I am in recovery from PTSD. These emotion ups and downs and attacks make it hard for me to remain stable and work on changing the way I think.
Are there any stats on how many marriages involving alcoholics end in divorce? I bet it gets really ugly too because I am sure they will drop in a really deep bottle of booze and get even more abusive that the other spouse has left. Is there any information on safety?
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 6th of August 2015 10:37:12 PM
Aloha Canuck and welcome to the board and part of this post and the replies remind me of when I first got to the program and was fixated on divorcing the alcoholic/addict wife however by sitting and listening and following the suggestions like listen, learn and practice practice practice I learned another way of looking at my relationship and my life and another way of behaving within the disease. Before program I was of the thinking I "had to do" certain responses and yet the program was teaching me responses which I never had heard before much less would consider. Divorce turned into detachment and during detachment my peace of mind and serenity became more valuable than getting rid of her. Like you I learned a lot about alcoholism which helped me to become more compassionate and empathetic for my wife and I learned patience and while our marriage did end it didn't end with me jumping into a divorce. I divorced a woman I loved yet had no reason to be married to...not because she was and alcoholic and an addict but because I made the wrong choice from the start. I suggest what was suggested to me and which I followed...go to as many meetings as I could in the first 90 days of recovery...I did 102. Keep a wide open mind don't reject anything and take what I liked and leave the rest for later. Get the literature and find a sponsor ...take it slow. They told me "we are not a religion and if you practice our steps religiously, (daily and with determination) I would find help. I found help and now want to pass that promise on to others. Welcome to MIP...it is also a big part of my daily recovery. Love lives here. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 7th of August 2015 12:08:50 AM
Welcome Canuck.
Religion was the biggest barrier for me in going to meetings. I live in the southern U.S. Bible Belt so religion plays a large roll in my community.
I can't say that the religious aspects of the way many people in this area participate in Al-Anon didn't rub me the wrong way, but the benefits far outweigh the annoyance. I also use the program itself, its participants and practices as my Higher Power. There is a great deal of compassion, understanding and tolerance among the members so it's easy to hold the group and experience in high esteem.
I've learned many things, and one of them is to be more compassionate and tolerant of those who draw their strength from traditional religious beliefs. They are in the program for the same reasons I am and are doing the best they can using the tools that work for them. They may speak of their faith at times but they would not dare presume that their God is the answer for me.
Different groups have different mannerisms and personalities so the best thing to do is try as many as you can and keep going back to the one that feels like the best fit.
Given enough time you will find it to be a liberating and strengthening experience.
Al-anon is about you, not him. Get involved and get your "self" back!
Sending support and positive vibes.
The way I understand it, alcoholism is a disease just like diabetes is a disease, but that doesn't mean the person who has the disease is off the hook for taking care of himself. If your husband was a diabetic who refused to get insulin and who kept passing out at the wheel and in your house, and insisting you had to do all the hard work of understanding and fetching and carrying because he had diabetes-related neuropathy and refused to treat it but wouldn't walk - you would conclude that there was a lot of insanity in with the diabetes. It is the same with alcoholics. We can't blame them for the underlying tendency (who would choose that?). But we can give them complete responsibility for whether they respond appropriately to their disease or whether they are irresponsible, chaotic, and abusive. If he were trying his best to handle his disease - working a recovery program hard for the long term - that would be one thing. The present situation is another thing. It sounds miserable.
I hope you'll find a good group and start getting the literature, reading through these threads, etc. Every meeting is different so if the first one, or two or three, are boring or self-righteous or too big or whatever, you'll keep going and find the one that feels right. The standard advice is to try six. There are miracles in store, there really are. Hugs.
