The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi! I am new to this site. I recently asked my alcoholic husband to move out after he relapsed at least 3 times in the last year. We have been married for 13 years and living together for 15. Our very first fight over his abuse was before we were even engaged to be married. I told him at the time that I didn't sign up for a life of alcoholism. However, I loved him so very much. I made exception after exception for the last 15 years. He drank on our Honeymoon and got so wasted on our Honeymoon, I was his babysitter. His drinking became worse. With each child we had together, his drinking increased. The problem is, he is an amazing dad, I know now a functioning alcoholic. He drank and drank and drank, but somehow managed to change diapers, feed them, help with housework and work his tail off to support us.
The problem is, I begged, pleaded, fought, cried, threatened more times than I can even count. If he ever stopped, he did it for less than a week and then slowly brought it back into the house. I kick myself that I let that happen over and over again. The breaking point in me was when we all went out with friends for a fun night of dinner, bowling and an after party. He spent the entire night getting plastered and making fun of me, Picking on me for everything, making fun of my body, our sex life, everything. I was a mess. I waited till the next morning and slapped him right across the face. I didn't talk to him for days and when I cooled off, I did it again. I forgave him, which gave him permission to do it again. Which he did. We lost friends over his drinking, I lost friends because I never wanted to take him around them because I didn't want to be humiliated or embarrassed. He told me once not long ago that he would get so angry and frustrated with our three girls at bedtime because it cut into his drinking time. That made me take a step back and evaluate the life I was living and allowing my children to live in. So after his last relapse about three weeks ago when I confronted his drinking and driving with the children in the car, I finally decided to ask him to leave. He was ANGRY! He didn't understand.
It has been a week and he has attended meetings every night. He is still angry at me but I cant handle it anymore. The anger, resentment, sadness, and helplessness are quite overwhelming. I cant even begin to think about letting him back in. I want him to get better for himself because I do care about him and he means the world to his girls. But I am so angry. I have fought the question, "why wasn't I enough?" over and over in my head. Every day gets a bit easier, but I have my moments where I slip back into the depression and anger for what he took from us. I want to get stronger and find the strength for myself and my girls. I want to be happy and I want him to be happy, but I am feeling so guilty for kicking him out. I understand he has an illness, but I am so angry at him for the time we lost and the fact he let it get to this point.
Thank you for listening.
-- Edited by Getting Stronger in OH on Wednesday 5th of August 2015 08:13:13 PM
Hello, Getting Stronger, welcome to MIP. I can so identify with your experience and would like to explain that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal, chronic disease over which we are powerless. The disease can be arrested but never cured.
AA is a recovery program for the person who drinks and Al-Anon has been established as a recovery program for family members.
We who live with the disease develop many negative coping tools that affect us in our daily lives. I too was filled with anger, resentment, self-pity and fear while living with this disease. Attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, using the tools, and sharing the journey with others, helped me to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to stop reacting but to respond in a healthy fashion.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. We have online meetings here twice a day, so please keep coming back you're not alone.
I fully understand that you are where you are. It is often when we've 'had enough' that we are ready to also make positive changes, just for us, no matter what another does.
While your AH is working on his recovery, it would be awesome if you took care of you and at least tried an Al-Anon meeting! If you can't get to one or if you aren't yet sure, there are two meetings here - AM & PM - online. If you look to the top left, you'll be able to see the schedule as well as the link to join the meeting.
Just know that you are not alone and we're only a post away. Thank you for joining us and for your sharing. We all do this together and it's a one day at a time program!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think alanon will help you tons. You didn't "let" any of this happen. Nor was it ever a case of "not being enough." This is alcoholism and it is a beast like no other. Yeah, he has a disease, but one he has the responsility to treat or not. There is much for you to learn and apply in alanon. I could go on and on about how I think it will help you in so many ways, but I'd rather just say go and find out! Take care and be kind to yourself. I am hearing a lot of you putting youself through the wringer during a time where you are already just doing your best with the cards you have been dealt and alo after years of dealing with this on your own. Treat yourself kindly. Acknowledge th good things you are doing every day. You sound like a pretty strong lady to me.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 6th of August 2015 08:52:08 PM
(((Getting Stronger))) This story is somewhat similar to my story and my sister's. We both deal (dealt) with an alcoholic bf/spouse and it is so difficult. Please keep coming back and find a f2f meeting. It will help you so much! If anything else, to have a support network, which you need in this process.
I just heard this yesterday from Deepak Chopra that anger is pain that has not been dealt with. I thought that was brilliant. I know I definitely have anger and still work through my anger from all the hurt I had in the past, first through my dad and now through my AW. I have been (and still am) humiliated by things said to mutual friends. It's devastating. My sister had the same thing happen with being embarrassed about her bf discussing their sex life and what she looked like naked, etc. She suffered from PTSD because of it and went to therapy.
This disease is progressive and there is no cure. But there is hope through al-anon. Please keep coming back- it works if you work it (so work it, you're worth it!).
Gabigail
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
