The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been putting off a conversation with my mom .. UGH .. it is seriously not one I have wanted to have in the least. The whole thing about what state we are moving too. I feel badly and then I don't because she is soul sucking in many ways and doesn't mean to be I mean .. I know she loves me however seriously .. I can't do it. My sponsor, friends, therapist, other family (not FOO) they all see how awful it is with her when it comes to me specifically and they are like umm no .. that so is not happening you will not make it and then it will fall to my kids. I can't do that to them. Especially my son .. it would be awful for him. She's going after him the way she did me and doesn't see it.
The phone call went from hi how are you to oh .. followed by tears and then whining about who is going to take care of her. She is not living in my reality .. when she was my age I was my daughter's age and she was off and jet setting with my ex-SDad who was a pill popper and active alcoholic .. of course the pills really were not that bad because after all they were prescribed and legal. Never mind he got them illegally from a Dr who was also an addict .. my mom constantly justified it. Anyway, I completely digress as I'm reliving the insanity of my youth.
Years ago she had a friend that basically said to her .. you can't treat S the way you do and expect that when you get older she's going to drop everything and run to you. Honestly .. so not happening and maybe that makes me a bad daughter. One of the conversation she said to me was I should have had more kids .. LOL .. umm sorry mom you couldn't afford the therapy was what popped out of my mouth although I think had there been someone else I would have had different issues because the intensity of being the only child was suffocating. I do wish I had someone else to help with an aging parent .. who in the world am I kidding .. someone else to dump mom on .. lol.
My daughter started laughing at me today because she was like I know there is no way we could live with grandma. This is after me informing her that grandma wanted us to move out there and she would buy a bigger house. What she wants is for me to raise two children, take care of her AND work full-time. The truth is taking care of her is a full-time job .. now after going on and on about how she is going to have to move into assisted living (I guess she's telling me she's spending my inheritance, ok .. money well spent for my own sanity). She then goes into how she's going on a month long cruise and who is going to take care of her? Ummm .. mom .. I have two children .. who's taking care of them while I am supposedly with you? LOL? She really doesn't get it .. that's because at my age now she didn't have another child to continue raising.
So realities are very skewed and I have not talked to her yet about her moving to TX. I wouldn't mind however it would so be in an assisted living situation. I can't live with her .. or maybe I choose not to live with her is a better way to phrase it .. my mom is an incredibly toxic person for me. When you talk about triggers we are talking about I can't breath, I feel as if I'm suffocating and literally I'm being crushed where I stand as a human being. My mom wants what she wants when she wants it and that's fine .. reality is she's not going to get it from me. She wants me to make the decisions and then she wants to criticize the results since she didn't take responsibility for the choices at hand. It's very overwhelming. She has blamed me for her marriage to my ex-sdad stating that she only married him because I liked him .. I was 15 years old what did I know about relationships or the fact I would be hearing about this 30 years later. So these are the kinds of behaviors I am referring to and this is so not what I need as I have come way to far to be sucked back in and I really don't believe my Higher Power is that cruel.
Anyway, I knew I was going to have to have this conversation .. I knew it was going to be rough and I knew she wouldn't take it well. I really can't do this with her. Part of my duck and hide has to do with the coping I developed as a kid .. it was just easier to duck down and not be noticed because it was so much more peaceful .. we just didn't have a cohesive family relationship and I can tell with how I deal with my own kids.
It is getting better it's just hard at times to remember I'm not helpless anymore against the onslaught of her issues .. they just are not my responsibility. Her getting older is not on me either. I think I'm a little more detached if nothing else because we never really bonded .. according to her we did .. I don't feel the bond with her that I do my own children.
Go figure .. LOL .. oi .. S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you for your post, Serenity. I can so relate to the 'duck and hide'. I had to do that as a child to stay out of the line of fire when my Mother was in one of her rages. Coming to Al-Anon these past two weeks have allowed me to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's also bringing to the forefront all of the issues that I have stuffed into dark corners of my mind for years.
We were trained by the best, weren't we? FOOs that bulldozed all over our boundaries so we never got a fair chance to develop them in childhood, which was the appropriate time to develop them. Makes it so much harder when we reach this age and finally figure it out, but there is so much DE-programming we have to do as a part of it.
Growing up with a similar brand of manipulation like you describe turned me into a compliant codependent who attracted a parade of other manipulators. Finally, with the help of a wide-ranging support system that includes my wonderful Al-Anon peeps, I have begun to set boundaries as a primary means of taking care of myself. The sad part is that I have had to file for divorce from the latest manipulator I became entangled with, but my serenity - and my self-esteem - are now and will remain my main priority.
Praying for HP's strength and guidance for you and for me as we continue the journey, one day at a time.
-- Edited by 1911A1 on Thursday 6th of August 2015 08:10:32 AM
I had an interesting conversation with one of her best friend who seems to be able to reason with her. She made me lol a lot. I was very clear with her that I hoped she wasnt encouraging my mom in her hallucinations and she was shocked with what I told her. It's just not healthy it's not just me I'm talking about its my mom too. Her response was that my mom must be off her meds .. Seriously I laughed and said well this explains the last 20+ years of my life lol. I was clear and she heard me and I expressed my concerns to the point of questioning my mom's mental fitness. That was my way of saying she needs to stop. It was a huge step for me to allow the kids to go out there this made me laugh too my mom is now saying they couldn't go anywhere because the kids wouldn't get up. Ummm WOW so not the story I got from the kids .. They couldn't get her out the door. So I laughed and said this is exactly what I'm talking about .. Who is the adult here? Her or the kids? They wouldn't get up? Ummm ok .. We don't have that issue at home. So nothing has changed and there is no way I want to do that to the kids. Anyway .. It is what it is .. So not living with my mom.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I've avoid this thread as I had to collect my thoughts....so - take what you like and leave the rest!
I left home @ 17 as my mother was beyond unbearable. I could tell you stories that would make your skin crawl on how I felt she acted and treated me as a youngster. I am the youngest of 4, and was the first to leave home.
I was disowned for 'my departure' and was literally written out of the will, put off of insurance and left to fend for myself in the Catholic school system ($$).
I was told I was NEVER welcome back into their home - they believed in a one and done philosophy as far as leaving the nest.
Almost 4 years later, we began to talk again. I was active in addiction and did miss them, but also needed a place to live. They declined. I managed to manipulate myself into my Aunt/Uncle's home, and my parents accepted that and treated me OK - they were all in business together, so our paths crossed.
Between 4-5 years later, I got into some trouble and then found AA. When I went to make amends to my mother, she made sure I knew that she did agree - I was the problem in every issue that ever happened. Needless to say, not one of my better experiences with amends, but done and done.
As recent as 10-15 years ago, I was mentally where you are. There is no way in he!! I would have lived with my mother. No way, never happening, nodda, etc. Many reasons, but I was sure of that!!
I sit here today and have turned full circle. Through working the steps of this program, I have come to understand that she did the best she could with what she had. She just didn't have much but she doesn't realize that. She also was not intentionally cruel/hateful/grumpy/abusive - it was just who she is. I have taken a whole new approach to both of my parents and have learned to love them unconditionally and detach from the behavior that is unacceptable to me.
They are now 80 years old. I am closer to them as I am the only one of four who calls regularly and who visits regularly. I figure I owe this to them as they gave me life. The more I love myself and love my life, the more I am grateful for my parents, warts and all. I would take both or either into my life/home as they gave me that when I was younger. Was it perfect then? No. Will it be perfect now? No.
But, for me and my program, I feel it is my duty to be of service to them as if it weren't for them, I would not be here or where I am in my life-cycle. My relationship with them has had many ups, downs, bumps, mountains, hills, but I would not trade them and I do expect to be the caretaker when I am needed. This is one of many 'things' in my recovery that has taught me to not speak or think in absolutes of 'always and/or never'.
Again, take what you like and leave the rest! I realize we are all on different journeys and respect your place. I am a bit older and my kids are grown so I would consider it an honor to care for my parent(s) during their final phase. (((hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iam .. That is a wonderful story and I hope I can get there. I don't have the same bond or feel I "owe" either of my parents considering I'm adopted so no .. They aren't the reason I'm here. I never bonded with either parent in fact bad joke .. I have told my kids whatever crazy they got didn't come dna wise from my adopted parents, I'm very disconnect. I hesitated to have kids because I didn't know how to attach in a healthy way. I have healed a great deal because of my kids and learned a lot from them. I was adopted for very selfish reasons all that have been communicated directly to me. I was a decoration for the "right" kind of family. Now that she's alone, old, and scared .. She wants this fantasy relationship we have never had .. I just don't view that as my issue. Maybe if my kids were grown it would be different for me .. I have forgiven her something the program has taught me is some people need to be loved from a distance. She's one of them, along with my X .. I haven't seen or talked to my adopted dad in 9 years at this point he's been gone out of my life more than in it over the years. It is what it is and that's ok. I don't have regrets or feel in debt to either them. I know she did the best she could .. Again I just don't feel anything one way or the other. It's a very weird experience to be out of body emotionally with someone .. I just know how toxic the relationship is and that's what is so stressful the idea of going back into fire. I just got out from my XAH.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I completely understand where you are at. I just wanted to share that I've been amazed at how so many things in my life have changed, and it's beyond the 'me' I wanted to be. We just never know what we will be called to do, so on a long road trip a while ago, I did a bunch of - Consider this - driving alone.
One was exactly this - caring for my parents. Another was burying my child (very badly active in this disease at the time). There were a few other heavy topics - it was a 12 hour road trip to a funeral by myself - so a great time to ponder with my HP!
We just never know what comes next - for me, keeping an open mind/heart are very helpful for my daily serenity/peace!
(((Hugs))) to you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
LOL .. I have a therapist, my friends, my sponsor, my mom's bff saying I'm good where I am at and this is the best decision for us all.
The only person who hasn't met my mom is my current therapist and he was not happy over the idea of the kids and I moving in with her. He's a man of God very much believes in the whole doing the right thing with aging parents he's in his 70's and said absolutely not it will undo the work we have just got done doing at this point. I am glad to have that kind of validation of doing what is best for the kids and I.
I wouldn't mind if she lived in the same state my life is not going to revolve around her. The fact I have contact with her at all actually says a lot about how far I have come, we have had years of no contact when I was in my 20's because of my sfather and all that goes with a script addict and alcoholic.
It was a funny conversation with her bff because I mentioned starting Alanon meetings in Texas when I got there and her shock and surprise when I said it. She asked me why I still needed to go since my X and I are divorced .. I tried to explain to her it's about me not anyone else and I have bad coping skills that go way back.
It's not a relationship I'm interested in "fixing". If it happens organically great .. if not .. I'm not interested in vesting time or energy. I don't live a lot in regret because I have the attitude we are responsible for our part in relationships, toxic is toxic and it is my choice who comes into my circle.
Anyway, I'm glad you are where you are at .. it's not where I am and at this point. I will not take on guilt, shame or whatever because that's not where I'm at. Trust me I'm not even willing to be willing at this point. I don't feel I have to be. It is what it is. I'm not saying she's a monster I'm not saying she's an evil person .. she's a very toxic person to me and I need to love her from afar.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I was raised in a normal home and married into alcoholism. My kids were and are the main job of my life. When they told me that they did not like grandma and grandpa, I believed them. I could see the disfunction and it didnt bother me so much because I could detach knowing I couldnt make it go away. But when they saw it and were confused I talked to them and made sure that they were heard. They knew crazy when they saw it. Somrtimes only a little bit crazy and sometimes more. When they were older and raising their own kids we talked a bit about it and they thanked me for protecting them and not forcing them to accept some bad behavior by grandma, grandpa and some aunts and uncles on that side of the family.
I'm glad you know the difference between what's healthy and what's distorted. Still, it's not fun being on the receiving end of blame. It sounds like a scary time for your Mom, as it seems like a difficult transition for her to make... it would not surprise me if this emphasizes her various tendencies. There was a time when I thought my Mom resented me for not having a magic wand to fix things, but in hindsight, I now see it as her not knowing how to mange her fears any better than she had. Thank heavens for Alanon!!! I'm glad you're here. Sending prayers.
... I have detached