The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First and foremost, thank you for all of the posts. I've never been in a chat room before last night and find all that I've read comforting to know I'm not alone.
I'm new to Al-Anon and have oh so many questions. Right now I'm simply wondering - does anyone actually ever find peace, happiness, love, understanding the A, security and contentment or is it simply learning to live your life with or without your A? I want to share my life. All of it. Good and bad. I don't just want to tolerate his behavior, his disease. I want to learn how to respond rather than react, but does that mean he doesn't need to do the same? Is it all giving or do you actually get something back?
I apologize if I sound bitter. Right now I'm angry and hurt. when I'm honest with myself he's one of the most giving people I know. he has long term sobriety and is very active in AA. Maybe it's not his debase after all.
Great reply Debb.
Yes Lost, there are many who have found happiness and a shared life with an alcoholic The alanon tools help us to change and grow and learn how to live a spiritual life that enriches us. Keep coming back
Aloha Lost and welcome to the family from the Pacific side. The solutions are in the program and I at one time had the same questions with expectations lingering from my alcoholic/addict wife however learning about detachment and letting go and killing expectations and more I learned to find and have peace in spite of anyone else. Having peace of mind and serenity (Al-Anon's take on sobriety) is our recovery. When Al-Anon told and taught me that I could have that regardless of what anyone else said or did I doubted deeply and was encouraged to come back often, which I still do to experience the miracle of it. I was taught that I was responsible and I believed it...its my job and I know how now to keep it. Keep coming back cause you will also. (((((hugs)))))
Whether he will grow into or become all you want is not under your control. If you are in a relationship where you are just "tolerating" things you don't want while holding out for someone else to change just for you, that is your issue. There is peace the more you come to terms with that. In terms of relationships, I found out through lots of painful experiences: Another person can add to your journey and your happiness, but another person is not your journey or happiness on their own.
Welcome, Lost, I'm glad you are here. I recognize in your questions and shares some of the same issues that I wrestled with before I came to AlAnon. It was there that I was able to find answers to every question I had about how best to deal with my qualifier, as well as insight as to my unhappiness and frustration in other areas of my life.
I am so very grateful for the encouragement and guidance I received at f2f meetings and from reading daily from AlAnon pages. I found answers and a level of peace and serenity that had escaped me after trying everything else I could come up with on my own. I would love to see you give it a try, thank you for sharing and hope you keep coming back...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Also, love from another is healthy when it compliments self love, not when it is used to make up for a lack of it. You are asking good questions but expecting the answers will come in the way you want and expect (that something you do will make him change).
When I learned to love and care for myself better, I was better able to give and receive love. Sounds cliche....but it was hard work to change and sort through all my crap and my issues that were stopping me from really loving myself. I hope you are ready for that.
Pinkchip, what you said is what he has been saying to me for quite some time. He's suggested that I come to Al-Anon and that I need to learn to love myself first and foremost. That he is not my happiness but wants to be a part of it. When he has said these things, I thought that he was just trying to "make something wrong with me". After all, I'm perfectly happy with myself and don't need to change at all! :)
In truth, I know that I have many things in my past that keep me from believing that I deserve love and happiness. If I'm honest with myself, I thought that if I told him I was in Al-Anon he'd "like" it. The more that I read on this board the more that I see he may have been telling me this out of love, not to manipulate me into thinking I was broken. We aren't together anymore and I'm still moving forward with Al-Anon. Although if I were to have it my way, we'd be together again, yet I realize with each passing day that this is not my choice.
Again, thank you all for the words of encouragement - - and the hugs!
I'll defer to those wise souls here that are far better practitioners of this wonderful program than I am, but what I've achieved is a better quality of life, in spite my son's continuing adventures with alcohol and drugs - I have been strong enough to do what I need to do (detachment, powerlessness, acceptance, etc.) as of right now today as I write this post - I'm not assuming anything about tomorrow. Of course, I love my son very much, and I am sad and frustrated that he hasn't found a better path, but I have finally accepted that I can't make him well - he has to want it, and he has to do it. With that acceptance, for me, my son's troubles aren't a 24x7 distraction any more - I don't have that tornado of activity in my head all the time, constantly wondering what I'm gonna do to fix his issues - many of them issues that hadn't even happened yet!
I go to a lot of meetings, and I participate in a lot of different groups - I stay busy (exercise, prayer, etc.).
My son's situation still pains me greatly, but I have accepted the reality of the situation for what it is, and my life is better now than it was when I started on this journey - I have faith, and I have hope - I don't understand HOW it works, but it's working.
Ive got peace but I dont have active drinking in my home. Its good your partner is a member of AA, hes learning to be a grown up. What about you? are you learning too with Alanon. To me it makes for a great journey and together sounds good. If hes in recovery and your not you might find you have trouble keeping up with his growth. We need recovery just as much if not more than the drinker.
El-cee, you've brought me to tears. I can't tell you how proud I am of what he has accomplished. I was the one that he called the night he was sucicidal. I stayed with him until he was at least not too drunk to remember and asked him to call AA. I left his home and he did just that. This was Gods doing, not mine. That was 18 years ago. We weren't in contact for over 15 of them. Two years ago he came back into my life a new man. A wonderful man yet I can't help but think that his head still goes a little out of whack at times. It's at these times that he leaves. No fights. No long, deep discussions. Just says that he's not sure that were good for each other. It makes me feel like I'm insane because there's no logical reason that I can see.
Please don't misunderstand me. I know that I'm far from perfect. I've got skeletons in my closet that I hope to work thru with our program. With or without him, I hope to "catch up" to the serenity that he has found in AA.
This journey with Alanon is about my recovery....its never about the alcoholic..... You will never regret taking this journey. The tools of Alanon are empowering. Its about being grateful for the small miracles in our lives, like him being sober , what a miracle that is. It's about living it One Day At A Time, one moment at a time or one minute. It's about living now and being serene, even if the addict is actively drinking or saying crazy stuff.
You have already taken the first step by being here, welcome, keep coming back. It works if you work it. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Beatrice on Thursday 6th of August 2015 01:05:54 AM
"My freedom and independence do not depend
on any acts of defiance or confrontation.
They depend on my own attitude and feelings.
If I am always reacting then I an never free."
and
QTIP:
Quit
Taking
It
Personally
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Have you begun to work through the Al-anon steps, Lost and Scared?
You can begin them right here on the forum by going to the top right
hand corner of this website screen, click the button and join that part
of MIP.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Being from the other side too, I can share that when I begin to feel "left of center", I tend to go back to the basics of recovery. It may have nothing to do with my spouse, it could be my children, a sibling, my parents, my job, my finances, etc. When we get sober, we are given tools just as Al-Anon gives us. Whenever we are restless, irritable or discontent, it's recommended that we focus on our number one priority - recentering ourselves in the program.
So, he may step away for reasons that have nothing to do with you. It's difficult to find balance for those of us in recovery, and when we feel unbalanced, we regroup.
I too love QTIP and it applies. If his pattern is as described, it's up to you to decide for yourself, your life and your program if you can accept that as it is. For my life and my program, I had to come to realize that I could be and will be just fine - even happy - whether those around me get sober, act like I want, be who I need, etc. I've found my own path, my own strength and my own serenity and happiness by allowing them to be who they are and do what they need.
It's strange how I used to take EVERYTHING personally. Since I've changed, and set up specific boundaries on how I will be treated, when I will walk away, and that I choose to not fight/argue with those I love, most disagreements have ceased. Now, if they walk away, drink, get ice cream (and not ask me), etc. I do not even think about it....
Work hard to love you and leave the rest up to your HP. This has done me remarkably well and I learned it here!
(((Hugs))) for you - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I went to my first f2f on Monday. I was able to speak with two wonderful women who made me feel welcome - despite my blubbering. I'm going again this coming Monday and hope to begin to find the peace that all of you angels speak of. As far as starting the steps, I have tried to live my life with two and three. I have been blessed to be raised in a loving and spiritual home. For the past week I repeat over and over "please take this from me and hold my hand as I walk thru it". I know that my HP's plan is far better than mine could ever be.
I didn't feel that step one applied since he was recovering (never say recovered as he's told me) for so long. I chose my name - Lost and Scared - because my fear is that Powerless over Alcohol doesn't apply. Do I really have the right to say that it's alcoholism that is bringing such distress? Sorry, that sounds like blame but I've never been this befuddled before. I have gone thru two divorces and could clearly see the "whys" behind each. This relationship is (has been) as near to perfect as anyone could ever hope for. And he's told me time and time again that he feels the same. So when he leaves without a reason that I can understand, I'm left in his whirlwind of self doubt and self deprivation.
As I write this I hear the errors of my ways. I guess that I was hoping this part of him would change and that's just down right wrong. I hope to ask someone to sponsor me soon so that I can move forward in my recovery.
I am here, thank you for sharing. I will try to take things less personally in all situations even if the relationship is over this time. Again, it's so very comforting to know that you're here.
One more thing. I know that many of my friends and family think I'm crazy to keep taking him back. They see it as me doing all of the giving. It's not true. I am the first "normie" that he has dealt with in 16 years. I think that may be part of the issue as well. I don't really understand the things that he must do each day just to keep his sobriety. I hope that my program will help with that too, but as Beatrice said its not about the alcoholic. Am I wrong to try?
I am so glad you found a meeting and plan to return. Good work my friend. Just a thought on the first step-- We are powerless over alcohol, people, places and things The first step simply reminds us that we cannot control another and any attempt to do so will cause our lives to become unmanageable.
You are not wrong in attempting to maintain a healthy relationship with this man. Alanon tools will help you to truly love yourself and share that love with others.
My husband, an Alcoholic would leave the house often because he did not want to engage in an argument-- He did not have the tools to negotiate and compromise. It was all black and white thinking. It had nothing to do with not loving me. When I learned how to say what I mean and mean what I said without saying it mean, our ability to discuss issues increased. Thanks to alanon
It may be the residue of alcoholism or it may just be bad behavior. Either way Al-Anon gives us the tools to take care of ourselves. We do not have to put up with anything that devalues us or that makes the relationship a one-way street. Often it is hard to identify whether that's happening or whether we're not seeing the whole picture. That's part of the perspective that using Al-Anon tools can give us. I hope you'll keep working the program and taking care of yourself.
I can say that for me there is sometimes peace. From an outside perspective that may not sound too encouraging, but from my perspective it's a life saver because previously there was NEVER peace.
I can also say that as I continue the periods of peace get longer and the episodes of pain and conflict get shorter as I learn how to cope better.
Step one is a stumper for a lot of people. What continuously strikes me is how often I need to return to it. Alcoholism creeps into so many aspects of life (theirs and ours) in so many differing ways that I constantly find I am recognizing it in a disguise I'd never seen before. And to echo the others, the skills I am learning are applicable to MANY situations in life, even those that do not involve alcohol (or do they? - back to step one!)
Hoping you find peace! Keep looking!
I too am so glad you found a meeting! I love that you found your courage and also found a warm welcome there!
As far as why he does what he does when he does it, that answer may never come.....he may not even know, it's just the nature of some persons, and then it can be compounded by this darn disease. For those of us in recovery, we do consider it a disease that affects all avenues of life, mental (includes thinking), spiritual, physical and emotional. Many, even in recovery, will share that they still struggle with proper emotions as well as dodgy thinking/thoughts.
As far as powerlessness, instead of thinking about being powerless over alcohol, consider no control over an alcoholic's behaviors, choices, emotions, etc. My point, as Betty points out, don't get stuck on that word or that 'item' - it's about lack of control over something that we weren't made to control - we just did it because we thought we should/had to/etc.
I am left-handed so I often think backwards. There is or was no doubt that my life was no longer fun, enjoyable, manageable. That part was easy. I viewed the 'word' powerless almost as a weakness before the program, and now I view it as claiming what's mine and dismissing or letting go that which is not - people, places, things.
I don't know if that helps - evening is not prime writing time for me but did want to say, "High Five" for the meeting and new program friends!
Just remember to focus on one day at a time....not looking back and not looking forward - just for today!
(((Hugs))) to you - you are doing great!
Also, we learn in Al-Anon to not be concerned with what others think about us. I've had many family/friends offer unsolicited advice regarding my life and my As, and I've learned to use the tools of Al-Anon in response - Hummm......, You may be right, You've got a good point, etc.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Is it wise to wait for a while to ask for a sponsor? Again, because my A (or xA) is dedicated to AA I am familiar with the support that they offer one another. I just don't know if I'd be jumping the gun.
Sooner the better. Same goes for stepwork. This is just what I was told in AA...I guess it's more imperative there because relapse and death from not fully working the program are real possibilities...you can always switch sponsors if you don't connect. Maybe it is not quite the same in alanon.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 8th of August 2015 05:32:55 PM
I did get phone numbers and began using those shortly after coming. It's nice to build relationships before crisis happens.....that phone gets more heavy when there is drama and crazy around, or so it seems in my world!
Great questions - keep them coming!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
