The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I stumbled upon your page while reading up on being married to a dry drunk. A quick background: married 19 years, first several years my spouse was using, he became sober and was for 14 years. Went back out for just over a year and last Dec checked himself into rehab. Worked his program very well for about 6-7 months but recently, things have taken a turn for the worse. While I know he's not attending meetings like he was because he doesn't leave the house, I do not butt in or say anything. He does see a therapist (whose an addiction specialist and in recovery himself) still once a week. He has told me that he has no sponsor because he is using his therapist as one. We (our son and myself) have seen some big changes in him...for the bad. His mom has told me that he's changed so much this past year, not for the good. I have noticed that while he's stopped drinking, he has remained full of resentment, doesn't seem to take any responsibility for things that happened while he was drinking, never showed remorse for the hurtful things he said and wasn't humble but was hopeful that with time and meetings under his belt, these would start to happen.
He basically goes to work every day, but complains all of the time about people he works with, almost seems like he feels something is owed to him. We are in the process of moving, he told me that our entire move is all about me, I think of myself most of the time and that I do not ever think of his needs or wants. We had a huge ugly blow out yesterday. I told him that I felt like he was making a bigger deal out of this move than he needs to. We need to purchase carpet and paint for the master bedroom...he told me I don't want you painting. I said I enjoy painting but more importantly, it will save us money for other things so I really do not mind. He repeated "I said NO you are NOT painting." I was floored (and he's made it clear that we will hire a painter)... he knows we cannot afford a mover, carpet and painter. We won't hire a mover either because of the cost, but he's furious that I have the nerve to ask our son's friends (most of whom have offered) to help us because he cannot do the moving himself due to a disc issue in his neck...his pride in the way again. We have to pick what matters the most. I never asked him to paint. When he comes home from work, he pretty much sits around and watches tv.... he's lost all interest in anything. These are all red flags to me that he's dealing with something much bigger in his head. his thinking has gotten more and more negative and to be honest, it's exhausting.
I went to a meeting last night after he told me to f off and walked out of our house. He turned something into something way worse and ended it by telling me to f off and walked out. I knew what I needed, I went to a meeting. When I got home, he was here and I didn't speak a word to him...I wasn't being mean or a jerk or anything, I was just trying to give us both some space and I went to bed. This morning, I got up and made his lunch while he was getting ready for work, which I do every day (part of our deal to save money for our new house is him taking lunch to work every day). Again, I was pretty quiet and I will admit, I feel he owes me an apology as I NEVER speak to him that way and do not appreciate being spoken to that way. And he has been nicely told by me over the years that behavior is unacceptable and I will require an apology when he disrespects me that way. When he left for work, he purposely did not take his lunch which was next to his wallet and keys...that's his passive aggressive way of punishing me. He will probably also not speak to me for the next 2-3 days. I was raised that you argue, you speak your peace, you agree to disagree, but you move past it and don't punish the other. My husband's mo is to ignore and then act like nothing happened.
I am so over this and know what he needs to do, I also know that I am not in any way, shape or form in control of the choices he makes!
Thanks for letting me vent....while I know whatever is going on with him has nothing to do with me, it still makes it hard when all of the anger and rage is directed at you....I am not enjoying this roller coaster ride I am on and wouldn't wish is on anyone!
I'm so sorry. Sounds like you are married to my XAH, whom I just divorced after 20 years together. He was a dry drunk for 15 years and then picked up the bottle again and that was when I realized I wasn't going to go down with the ship. But, for some reason, I stayed with him when he was dry drunk. Maybe I just kept justifying it in my own head and living in denial by saying, "Well, at least he's not drinking now."
Anyway, my x was the king of passive aggressive. It's infuriating, I know. The best you can do is do the next right thing for YOU. What do you want your day to look like? You obviously have program and know the right responses and I can see that you really just needed to vent. No one enjoys the roller coaster, and it's one of the reasons I had to get off. Keep coming back and make sure you use your sponsor and friends in program to help you release and vent away! Sending you lots of support and hugs today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome to MIP, I'm so pleased that you have found us.
Your story is so familiar to me and like you I have often said that I would not wish living with an alcoholic on my worst enemy - so heaven knows why I'm still married to mine!!
When my husband, who is approaching two years sober, is rude to me I give myself treats and make sure that I do something that balances out the insult. It isn't out of spite, it is for my own well being and it has worked well for me over the years.
I have been told all sorts of things such as 'you are never there for me,' 'I don't trust you,' and all sorts of other things that I thought meant that I wasn't good enough but I now realise are just par for the course. I have also experienced attention seeking and passive aggressive ignoring. I figure that I kind of live on my own and I might as well enjoy my life, regardless of what my husband chooses to do.
Learning not to feel guilty about this has been a tough one for me, but I'm getting better at relaxing about that and on the whole I have a good life. I am also learning about my own anger and resentments and am always open to any tips of how to step over, through, or around these negative emotions! Oh, and my next lessons are going to be about learning to make my own choices. Funnily enough that included decorating one of our bedrooms - it isn't that difficult!
PS for Lost and scared - in my own experience a dry drunk is someone who isn't drinking but who isn't working a programme either and is still behaving in the same selfish, disconnected, argumentative way as if they were still drinking.
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you are here!
I too have heard it all and had plenty of poo thrown my way in 24 years of an A marriage. What's been such a gift is working this program and coming to realize that no matter what another person is doing, I can be at peace and own my own actions/reactions.
I have learned to not 'ask permission' but rather do what I want/need to do. I have painted almost all the rooms in our 3 level home, as well as the trim/doors. I also enjoy it and it's a great stress reliever for me. I also began gardening in the yard, and added color/flower beds where I wanted. I don't do anything in vain or in jest, but I no longer 'wait' until we can discuss and agree. In my world, that could be forever and / or never.
So, the program has given me the self-confidence to move forward and do what needs to be done. For me, for my home, for my future and for each day. I too would not wish living with an A (sober, dry or active) on anyone. I am grateful that I've found a way to make it work and even thrive with the help of this program.
Keep coming back and know that you aren't alone! (((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Here's a past post from Hotrod on the definition of "Dry drunk":
Dry Drunk Syndrome Defined:
The term dry drunk is believed to originate from 12 Step recovery groups. It is used to describe those who no longer drink alcohol but in many ways behave like they were still in the midst of addiction.
The dry drunk may be full of resentment and anger. Instead of finding joy in their life away from alcohol, they can act as if they were serving a prison sentence. The only change this person has made is to stop drinking, but in other respects their life remains the same. Friends and family can complain that the dry drunk is almost as hard to be around as they were when drinking.
In AA, they describe it as a person that hasn't touched alcohol in years, but have not yet managed to get sober.
We who live with the disease also have been affected in the same manner and need our own program of recovery Alanon is that program. Attending Face to face meetings and posting here will help you recover.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 4th of August 2015 04:43:20 PM
I can fully appreciate what you are going through, my AH is just like yours.
Detaching with love and empathy is the best way to deal with the chaos.
It is my only way to retain my dignity, serenity and peace.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Milkwood and Mandy - I am just starting to learn how to do what I need/want without worrying about what my AH thinks, too. I spent the weekend redecorating our bedroom and turning it into my ideal sanctuary and it felt so good! It made me wonder why I waited so long to do it. Luckily my AH actually loved the results, too, so win-win!
Sooverthis - I can relate a bit. My AH made his first attempt at sobriety a little over 3 months ago and lasted about 70 days. During that time he was going to AA meetings, but it was because he was afraid if he didn't I would leave, not because he really thought he needed it. He wasn't actually working the program, he was just putting in his time. I didn't know what a "dry drunk" was until recently but when I came across a description it was totally an "a-ha!" moment for me. It was describing my husband during those days in a scarily accurate way.
What you said about your husband acting like people owe him something - yeah my husband has that same attitude. Well, that and this idea that he's "too good for" certain jobs, certain people, that his way is the only right way and everyone else is doing it wrong, etc, etc. He has always been SO focused on what HE needs in order to feel "happy" that it's like he doesn't realize that other people have needs that are equally important, if different. For the longest time our conversations about what was wrong in our marriage were a broken record of him telling me what I wasn't and what I didn't do and how I needed to change to make him happy. Ugh, right?
I'm not sure if I should put these things about my AH in the past tense or not because after falling off the wagon for a week he got back on and has been sober again for 8 days. He seemed to have hit a bottom during that week off the wagon and to be committed to working the program now - daily meetings, got a sponsor, and also started seeing an addiction counselor. I know that maybe this won't last and maybe it'll get worse again before it gets better, but for now at least, it's better.
I don't know what is going on with your AH but I just wanted you to know you're not alone and these things fluctuate. I hope for your sake that your AH has a realization and decides to commit to a program. For you, I hope that you can decide to move forward with what you want and need to do to fulfill yourself and can find some peace.
