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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Guidance needed, already in 12 step program
Post Info TOPIC: Guidance needed, already in 12 step program
Millop


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Guidance needed, already in 12 step program
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Hi, I am new to this site but have read many, many threads on here which have been really helpful! I am from the UK and currently on holiday with my 9 year old daughter for 6 weeks summer holiday break. I have been attending f2f meetings for over 2 years now and have dramatically changed for the better as a mother, wife, daughter and sister! I am so grateful for what this program has given me!! I am an adult child of a father who was alcoholic (since has passed) but leaving all the nuttiness behind! I am also married to an alcoholic which brought me into al anon thank goodness! I thank my HP for bringing me into the rooms And regaining a lot of sanity!

however its my 'nutty' family that brings me here today asking for guidance from you amazing knowledgeable guys. I have taken Massive leaps to stay out of the drama my family create in the past year or so but today I am struggling massively! My mum is not in a good place mentally, she lives with my brother who is an addict if every kind, drugs his first choice if not alcohol. He has always stolen, lied and deceived us all, mainly mum. I have gotten myself into many sticky situations trying to control the situation and protect mum in the past. My mum is a massive enabler in this and has more often than not enabled him. My sister in my opinion and my opinion only also had many addictions going on so she also enables him but to her advantage. I have had quite a few run in's with my sister in the early days of al anon but now choose to detach because I've learnt with the program I can only control myself and not other people! I have had to completely detached from some members of my family for my own self being As I learn to a healthier way to deal with with my Ah and 3 children which has been really difficult but massively rewarding at the same time.

My 75year old mum is not in a good place mentally at the moment and feels like she doesn't want to be on her own these days, not  surprising living with the dynamics of our family. My two sisters have decided there needs to be a care plan in place so we all have to take turn to stay overnight. I don't speak to one of my sisters (just for today) because she is totally unreasonable! I also do not speak to my addict brother who lives with mum. So my dilemma is am I being unreasonable if I put my terms in place and request my mum to stay with me during the time she is in 'my care' mum would prefer to stay in her own home but the conditions and situation doesn't suit me and I feel I don't want to be sucked back into the drama all over again!

surprisingly my AH has been very supportive on this matter and thinks I should go with my terms but as we all know living with an A I have to seek guidance and reassurance with 'my own kind lol' I apologise for bad grammar and spelling as I am working from a small cell phone. Thank you in advance 



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p millington
Debb


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Millop, welcome to MIP.  I must congratulate you on how well you have

taken care of yourself and your daughter, you have done good.  I think

as far as your Mom is concerned. if she does not want to stay with you

during your time with her than you have to abide by her wishes and if

you do not wish to stay with Mom and your brother, for obvious reasons,

than in that situation, I think you are well within your rights.  Sometimes

we are faced with tough circumstances, that do not always lend themselves

to easy solutions.  Listen to your heart and your HP.  {{HUGS}}



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
Millop


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Thank you Debb, you have given me food for thought lol however there is a still a big part of me that feels the need to conform to my family wishes (sadly) always being a people pleaser and feeling a lot of discomfort if I don't conform which is why I have for now, chosen to detach from a few! My two other sister live literally round the corner from mum however, I live a good 25 miles away with a young child to get back and forth to school. I do feel it will be a lot of pressure on me and unnecessary child care fees. If I'm honest, I feel I'm worked extremely hard to come away from the madness in my family that this disease has created along with my own AH at home. I am feeling bitterness and resentment just for today that I may have to go back into it, and it's filling me with fear!

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p millington
hotrod


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Hello Millop welcome to MIP. I am pleased that you are attending Al-Anon meetings and have the support that you so richly deserve.

I think you presented the situation with your family and your mom with a great deal of clarity and honesty. Since you live a distance from mom and your sister's live around the corner, I see no problem with you suggesting that mom stay at your  house on your care days.  Since you have a young child, this is the best possible solution and I would  stay detached and state my position and let it go

Good luck 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Iamhere


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Millop - I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and so glad you shared! Al-Anon gives us so many tools and ways to deal with life situations, esp. when there is active substance abuse and/or dysfunction.

I had the tool fly into my brain of say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean as I read your post. I certainly believe you have equal rights to say what works for you and what doesn't.

I have a good program friend who's mother is also now in need of support/company. She is here (KS) and her mother + most of her siblings are in another state. It's been a challenge for them to come together and agree that help is needed and then to determine how best to get this help 'done' or 'scheduled'.

It sounds as if you all are in better shape so far! I'll keep you all in my prayers and send you positive thoughts!

(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!



__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Millop


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Hi all, thank you all for the warm welcome and words of wisdom, comfort and encouragement following my first post to this site. They are greatly appreciated! Iamhere, the tool you suggested, 'say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean' was the tool that first came into my mind to use too! I prayed to my HP and asked for courage and guidance whilst broaching this subject with my family and I am so pleased to say the outcome is good! My mum and sister agreed with my request to have mum stay with me on the days she is in 'my care' and best of all, NO DRAMA. I just love what this program has given me. The ability to only control myself and let go of control of others has been invaluable and freeing for me. I never thought I would have the peace, calm and most days serenity that I have today despite living with an addict drinker. I am proud of myself (never thought I'd be able to say that lol) of how far I've come using the tools of this program, the wonderful people of Al anon that share there experience, strength and hope and the love and guidance from my HP. I'm excited for my continued growth! Lots of love to you all xx

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p millington
Iamhere


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Millop -

So very glad that you were able to manage expectations and have a desired outcome! Kudos Millop and great job using the program and tools!

Keep coming back - we're in this together....one day at a time!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

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So very happy for you and such a good outcome as well!

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
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