The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AD has been lying chronically for the past four years. Often it is about things that are of no significance but in an attempt to make herself appear better more interesting then she believes she is. She also lies about the big things to. Just this past week she is again lying about another job loss due to addictions. I know it comes from a sense of shame and I do not get angry anymore when she does this but I do feel very very sad for her.. She is no longer living with us and if she does not have a job then the truth will show itself soon anyways. I cannot shelter her any longer from her choices. We have had some really good moments the past couple of months and spent some time together. I try to enjoy these and I do but then it almost adds to my heartbreak when she goes off the rails again. I know how wonderful she can be and all of her potential. I simply am trying to remain on my side of the street. I have improved in detachment somewhat but can get dragged back in pretty easily. Yesterday I simply said until you are ready to make changes your life remains the same. We love you and left it at that. I know I am powerless and I cannot control the outcomes and nothing I have said or done has changed the course. Sometimes I feel though that detachment is giving up on her as hopeless although I know it is never hopeless. This is an awful disease. Coming to this board and online meetings have helped me to regain some control over my emotional reactions and I am in a better place then I was several months ago. I guess I just never ever in a million years thought that I would be dealing with an alcoholic child. I don't know why I though I would be immune to it, after all I had prided myself on doing everything right when raising them. I realize now that doesn't matter in the case of addiction. When I allow myself to start thinking negatively though, I feel very cheated out of a normal relationship with my adult child. Time is ticking by and life is so short that each day spent in turmoil not closeness is sad.
Thank you Serenity! You just told my story. I have the same thoughts & feelings with my daugther(18). I'm trying to love her until she gets it, if that happens. Sometimes my detachment includes not being around her. Saying no when she wants to get together. It does break my heart at times, but I've learned it's the best I can do for ME and HER. She has to hit bottom and I don't want to be in the way of the fall there. She has a HP just like I do. So I take care of me and pray for her. Keep coming back, it helps all of us.
So glad you posted. I can relate to the feelings of loss regarding the broken relationship(s) caused by substance abuse. I have two adult sons and neither really calls/contacts me unless they want or need something. They were not raised that way and it tends to make me sad IF I give my power to the disease.
I also relate to detaching feeling like you are giving up. Speaking for myself, I did everything (and more) I could think of to do to fix, help, redirect them. We continue to offer counseling, treatment, etc. but if they don't want to get better, I can't keep wasting my life - which is how I feel for the energy I've put into their illness.
One day, as I was sitting trying to figure out how to help them, I had a lightbulb moment....it was all about what they were doing today and how it was affecting their lives and future. The light-bulb moment - why are you applying more energy and effort towards their future than they are?
I now believe this was my HP nudging me to do different. Shortly after, my sponsor suggested Al-Anon and I've stayed as close as possible since then. Many hugs for you and your current pain/state of mind. Please know that it won't last and you can/will get through this.
You are not alone and she's not alone. No matter how far down the path she may travel, you can stop now and get relief through recovery. The best part about Recovery is it is a choice and available to everyone at any time they want it.
Keep coming back. We are together on this journey!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Serenity))) You are definitely not alone I can so understand your sadness, pain and heartbreak as my son also struggled with this dreadful disease.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your daughter. Please keep coming back
Thank you Debb, Iamhere, Betty, and Mike for your responses. I do feel like I have put my life on hold for the past four years trying to steer her back in a good direction. With each loss she experiences I am shocked that it has not been her bottom. (Scary) and then wonder what I will take for change and insight. I guess for everyone it is different. I am working on my patience with both the process and myself. It certainly is better for me when I focus on my own life and Iamhere you are so right, I have most certainly been working much harder on her life then she has but I have backed off a tremendous amount in the last few months. It is exhausting trying to run two lives. I have taken a new job, taken several mini vacations and it all helps to keep my focus where it needs to be. I cannot live in fear of the unknown so am trying to live today in the moment. This board has been invaluable also to receive support and feedback and I humbly thank you all for sharing you time and wisdom.
To have a child that drinks is heart breaking....
I would imagine you have to walk a fine line with them. ...I feel that young people have a greater potential for sobriety.
I believe there is a different dynamic going on there when your the Parent....who wants to lose their parents support, when the parent
is so frustrated and usually they don't know what to do next. I know one thing for sure, as a parent you cant be thrown about and used
by a drinking child, especially when they are an adult. I have an adult daughter, she doesn't drink but had other issues. And needed
parenting at an adult age.
The most important issue is that as the parent don't ever be in denial about your child's drinking and behavior... It is a disease, but
also a disorder and once it starts affecting the brain, they are difficult to deal with. Remember, there is not just one bottom. It depends
on the person, some have many bottoms and many lessons....
As parents you are doing great and what you believe is best for yourself. The program of Alanon of course is your ship to cross a sea
of pain and sorrow. Be strong and don't give up. Keep coming back. The program works.
Thank you Bettina. I think I was in denial or simply did not know as she was very good at hiding the extent of it but now that I do know I have to face it whether I want to or not. This is what I was given to deal with in life so deal I must. I always thought that I had my children suffer the natural consequences of their actions and I did when they were young. Somehow this blindsided me and I must admit I was not prepared for everything that has happened and for a while I was overloaded and not coping. I am beginning to feel much more my old self, not trying to think about what if, living in fear etc. As hard as it is I have to toughen my heart a little bit with her and quit viewing her through the lens of a child. She is not a child she is a young adult whom has great potential. I have done everything and then some in my power, left no stone unturned to help her and she has bucked it at every opportunity. She is simply not ready and I have to accept that and focus on me. Thankfully I have a great spouse whom is very supportive and who reminds me that it is our time now. We have parented our children and its up to them how they live their lives. Sometimes I feel like I am in mourning for the loss of the life I had anticipated for her. I love her fiercely but I have to let her go and turn her over to her hp. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 1st of August 2015 09:21:23 PM
Serenity47, I identify with everything you have written. "Sometimes I feel like I am in mourning for the loss of the life I had anticipated for her. " ---this is how I feel too. It is so very hard.
I can also relate deeply to the feeling of mourning for the loss of the life I had anticipated for her but mine are him(s).
I had to truly work on this at a deep, deep level. I am one who thought I was keeping it 'real' and while I didn't project a 'fairy-tale ending', certainly expected my children to finish their schooling and be productive members of society. They were both very happy, healthy children, and very intelligent also.
My sponsor did tell me I was grieving a loss. The loss was my hopes and dreams for them. As I worked through this, I began to consider that maybe what I wanted for them wasn't their 'ultimate capacity'....perhaps HP has a plan for them, which I am a watchful bystander that takes them to a happiness and greatness greater than I could every see or dream for them.
It was a drastic change of thinking, but did help me to get to the other side. I also have decided that happy, healthy and whole are now my dreams and hopes for them. While I would love to keep them from drastic mistakes that can affect their present and future, it's no longer my job. I raised them 'right' to the best of my ability, and now it's their time to shine in the manner they chose to do so.
When I am able to remove my ego/wants/dreams/hopes from how I view them, I am able to see them exactly as they are - lovely young adults with an illness that they are battling each day, one day at a time. It's not easy but knowing that HP has the bigger plan for all of our lives does help me to let go.
(((Hugs))) to all - one day at a time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I just keep handing her over to her hp when I find myself getting frantic with worry/anxiety and reciting the serenity prayer. I long for a return to normalcy but life is about change and there is no going back.
