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Post Info TOPIC: My alcoholic got back in contact


Veteran Member

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My alcoholic got back in contact


So finally after eight weeks she called. As I thought it wasn't good. She'd been locked in a house for several days and she'd been beaten. Sounds horrific. What I'm beating myself up for was I was so preoccupied about how hurt I'd felt it was hard to be compassionate. She didn't ask for it to happen. When I tried to tell her what I'd been going through she got angry and threatened to hang up. I felt so guilty I back tracked and reassured her I care and love her and she said she cares and loves me too. I guess I feel bad for not just being there for her after all she's been through. I'm relieved she's still alive but I have to accept she's not capable of seeing things from my point of view. I feel really guilty. She's obviously been through a horrid experience. The conversation ended ok, at least it ended on a loving note and I followed it up with a text. It's so heartbreaking to listen to. I could have handled the call better. Painful stuff!

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Paul)) If she is being abused I think the best to do is call the authorities and report the abuse.  Alcoholics are not capable of being the support system you want and feel you need.  She is so busy just taking care of her own difficult life that is all she can think about. As for your feeling guilty remember you are powerless over people, places and things and that alanon or AA  members and a sponsor will offer that support

She has  a responsibility to herself and now that she can call you, she can also reach out for additional help.

Please keep taking care of yourself and know that HP is in control 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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I wonder why you are feeling guilty -?  Remember the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.  It won't stop until she sees the consequences of her bad decisions and decides to put a stop to it.  The fact that she's gotten this far without seeing the consequences of her bad decisions means that she is deep in the disease, far deeper than anyone else could control.  I hope you are working hard on your own recovery.  What are you doing to take care of you this week?  You deserve very good care and help and support as much as anyone.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Paul -

My best suggestion is to keep attending meetings and using any/all Al-Anon tools you've found so far. For Al-Anoner's, the active substance abuser is the equivalent of a 'slippery slope'. What they are doing, how their disease is progressing, the risks they are taking, the potential for harm are all triggers that can make us as sick as they are.

While I fully understand your concern and your desire to help her or even rescue her, it's such a pointless effort unless/until she wants a better life and recovery. I fully understand your heartbreak and concern - my son is out and active right now and if I were not active/close/enmeshed in this program, I would be in a whole different place.

Try to keep the focus on you and your day. Try to stay in the moment. Find things to be grateful for. Use your tools and be gentle with you. You didn't cause this, you can't control this and you can't cure this. It's a maddening disease that is so very damaging to all involved.

(((Hugs))) to you - keep posting here and keep coming back!

Prayers and positive thoughts for you both.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Veteran Member

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The incident has been reported to the police. I'm in the process of moving back to my home town so that's something to work on. There will be AA and Al-Anon meetings. I have good support networks. I've stated I'll help where I can but in truth she's got to do this for herself. If there are future conversations they won't me be trying to tell her I'm hurting. I have an outlet for those feelings elsewhere.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Good News Paul Prayers and positive thoughts for you both.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 249
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Paul, whats the guilt about.

The substance abuser in your life has choices...needs consequences for her actions. Who knows how many consequences.
She doesn't get it yet. Meantime, work on your recovery....
Recovery is about you, there is a lesson in all of this for you. Nobody who comes into our lives is an accident.
There is something you need to see in yourself.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.

Hugs, Bettina

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~*Service Worker*~

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Again, with less than a year and a half sober yourself, trying to rescue or 12 step an active/relapsing drunk will take you out before it brings them back. Don't "help" her. You are not the one. If she asks you for help, find a seasoned female AA member to 12 step her. You don't need this drama at this point in your recovery. I know it hurts and the love is real. I'm just concerned about protecting your own sobriety.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 1st of August 2015 05:15:15 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with pinkchip - taking care of you, your sobriety, your recovery is your number one priority. Sending another (same sex) person in recovery if she truly wants help is the best move you can make for her, and then leave the results to HP.

We care - we wouldn't be direct and honest if we didn't. Take head that the fastest way to a relapse is trying to help another who's not ready. Misery does really love company. Protect yourself - stay close to your program and trust HP to lead her where she needs to be/go.

(((Hugs)))!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
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I want to ask you something completely irrelevant, Paul.
If you remove this sweet, wounded lady that you clearly love very much from the equation, what are your hopes and dreams?
What do you enjoy, what do you hope to achieve, what are you good at, what would you like to be better at?
Where would you like to be in 10 years? What is your greatest achievement?
Just curious.


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)

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