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I'm new to the forums. Brief intro, I've been with my A for 4 years now, married for almost 2. I didn't even begin to suspect he might have a problem with alcohol until a couple of months before we got married, and even then I thought he'd just fallen into a bad habit, so we talked about it and agreed to cut back. Fast forward to now, he's been an active A for sure for over a year, to the point of hiding, sneaking, lying, and blaming his unhappiness and his behavior on me.
Right now he is unemployed as he finished grad school in May but hasn't been making much of an effort to find a job.
We've been in counseling over a year. He finally agreed to try AA in May after getting a DUI when he was at twice the legal limit. He made it 76 days sober and relapsed on Wednesday when he thought he could handle attending a bachelor party and not drink. He was a mess after relapsing and apologized and agreed to get even more help and we have been talking it through. I set some boundaries, like continuing with AA and also seeking individual counseling for depression and addiction, as well as being 100% honest with me when he's struggling. He's been waffling an AA saying he doesn't think it's right for him, the daily requirement is taxing, he doesn't believe in a HP, etc.
Today when I got home from work I could tell right away from his mannerisms he'd been drinking. He denied it and said he didn't like my accusatory tone. He left, saying he was going to an AA meeting, and I searched through the house and found two empty six-packs so I know he was lying.
I understand the concept of I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it (was a huge relief to accept I didn't cause it)...but I'm still on the fence about just accepting I can't control it and therefore living with it.
I'm tired of this song and dance, of the lying, the blaming, all of it. I don't want to deal with it. Why should I have to?
Thats the question I keep asking myself and I feel like there's no right answer. I don't think I'm one of those people who can just let go and accept it and be supportive.
Anyone been in this spot? How did you decide whether to stay or go?
Hi Reality Sucker, I hear you and yes I have experienced what you are going through and would like to state that I stayed in my marriage because I did not have the confidence or tools to change. Alcoholism is a chronic , progressive disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease we too develop negative coping tools and need a program of recovery of our own.
I found alanon and learned that although I was powerless of alcohol and another person I had the power to help myself.
I went to meetings every day, read the literature, made a gratitude list, prayed the serenity prayer when I felt anxious and fearful and tried to live just one day at a time. Slowly I began to feel better,my despair lifted and I was able to begin to enjoy my life one moment at a time one day at a time.
This is a very painful disease but with the acceptance of my powerlessness. I was able to begin to reclaim my life and even if I had left the marriage I know I would have needed this program because I had so much anger, resentment and self pity built up inside.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you stopped in and so glad you posted.
I stayed in my marriage for a variety of reasons - mostly for my children. There are also financial reasons - I gave up my nice career to manage my boys disease/court/etc. as my AH was no help. So, they are now grown and moved out/on and my SS is 'gone' as I've been out of the work force for 12 years. My retirement at this point is his retirement and if we are married when he dies (he's older than I) I get triple payout. I do still love him, but am not in love with him. As our children have grown and gone, we don't truly have anything to fight about, so we each do our own thing and it works for me.
I do have a Plan B and have had it for years (married 24 years). Should I change my mind, my Plan B can be a Plan A instantly. I make my own money with online business(es) and truly enjoy the freedom I have doing that.
I've considered many times departing and starting over, and frankly didn't have the confidence or self-assurance to do it until the last few years. This disease is debilitating for all involved, and is even more complicated when there are kids involved. So, you may or may not get more answers, but in Al-Anon, there is no suggestion to do either as each person's life, wants and needs are vastly different.
I've grown so much with Al-Anon, I honestly can't say my life would be better if I had left when the chaos started. I may never have found my way here and this has been a life-changer for me.
So glad to hear you are going to a meeting. My hope is that you find it worth pursuing - it's a great way of life well beyond the active A you are currently loving/living with!
Keep asking questions - we're only a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Mandy. For me, it is a little less complicated because I would be fine on my own financially and there are no children involved. Our lives are not as intertwined right now as they would be down the road should I decide to stay. I am young (well ish, I'm 31) and to live the rest of my life with someone I love but am not in love with, and to possibly give up the idea of having children - because I can't imagine bringing children into this situation - makes me so sad...
There is certainly no obligation to stay. My question would be: what keeps you in the relationship?
For me, what kept me was the idea that soon he would stop drinking and things would be the way I hoped. I didn't understand how powerful alcohol was, and I thought I could convince him to stop and that just stopping would make him into the man I dreamed he would be. Eventually he did get a second DUI (I didn't even know he'd had a first one) and went into court-ordered rehab and was in recovery for a while. I'm not sure how long because he started drinking again quite some time before I found out. I didn't realize that only 15-25% of alcoholics who enter recovery programs make it to longterm sobriety. I thought the statistics were more like 90% and that it was like flipping a switch and we'd have our life back. In the event, he was not one of the 15-25%, and his recovery period wasn't peaceful either - he was bad-tempered and unapologetic, while I had all these leftover emotions from having lived in insanity all that time. Once it was clear he was drinking again, I thought he might still go back into recovery, and he sort of did three or four times, but each one more half-hearted than the last, and finally I got the memo and figured it out: things weren't going to change. By that time we had a toddler and when he inadvertantly put our toddler's life in danger through his drunkenness, I knew I had to go. Truth be told, there was little left of the relationship except thoughts of "What might have been" - the day-to-dayness of it was empty. Not like real partnership. I thought I would be devastated and scared when we split up, but in actuality I was relieved and peaceful.
Thank you for the post RS! Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful for ALL involved. I've been in your shoes. The issue is finding YOU and what YOU want? That's hard for someone who's been in the grips of Alcoholism. We loose our identity and ourselves. What I did was attend meetings, found a Sponsor, went through the 12 Steps and had a Spritual Awakening. After some time I found out who I was and what I wanted. I gained the self-esteem, confidence and faith to make a decision I was comfortable with. I took action and it was amazing how things started to fall into place for me. I was truly on God's path. So, in short- start focusing on YOU and putting YOU back together and the answers will come.
I also learned the 60-40 rule about decision making. If WE wait until we're 100% certain of our decision, we'll never take action. I've see this happen over and over again. There's no guarantee's and we are powerless of the results of our actions. God will reveal the results. Bottomline, once I'm 60% certain of a direction I want to go, I take action. Then I wait for the results and see if I on the right path or not. It works quite well. We live in a fear based diesase and I recognized I was paralyzed by fear that prevent me from doing a lot of things. Things that a normie(LOL) could do with ease.
For me personally, Because he has stood by me with my flaws, and through all the hard times, and i intend to do the same for him. That being said, i don't have a little kids, my kiddo almost has her drivers license. i understand having little ones changes the situation. I read a quote here something like "some have the courage to stay and some have the courage to leave". That really spoke to me.
But that doesn't mean i am stuck with gloom and doom the tools here help me every single day.
I understand the concept of I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it (was a huge relief to accept I didn't cause it)...but I'm still on the fence about just accepting I can't control it and therefore living with it.
I'm tired of this song and dance, of the lying, the blaming, all of it. I don't want to deal with it. Why should I have to?
Welcome to MIP. You will find a lot of people with very similar stories. One thing that stuck out in your post is acceptance. The fact is all of us can't control another persons actions/disease. You do have choices though. You can chose to either stay or go....that is free will. No one can tell you what to do as everyone's situation is different. Like you, I knew my husband drank a lot before getting married but I chose to ignore my instincts. 8 years later and his drinking continued to get worse and finally it got so bad that he couldn't deny he wasn't an A. I chose to stay (right now) as it was important for me to have my family (we have two young boys ) in tact and he has stopped drinking and has been attending AA meetings. I would like to say that I will stick with this choice but realistically it all depends on how he does with his sobriety. If he choses to relapse and go back to his old ways my decision may change to leave him as I grew up in an alcholic home and know what the effects can do to children.
Have you tried any face to face meetings? Those are great and you can get a lot of support and tools that you can use to try and detach from your A when he is drinking. I won't lie, I think living with an active A is very very tough but people do it all the time. I think it is important though to try and use the tools they teach you in Al Anon to try and save your sanity and bring you some inner peace. Keep coming back to his board, you will find a lot of very good advice/stories you will be able to relate to.
My situation sounds very similar to yours. I am choosing to stay (for now) because recently with the help of Al-Anon I am learning a lot about myself and how much of a control freak and martyr I had become. I am no "great catch" right now either. I need to work on myself and build up the skills to remain peaceful in stressful situations, which is a good skill to have in all of our affairs. When I feel stronger I will be able to see the situation differently and then make the right choice for me. I can understand the feeling that you're "wasting time" in a relationship with an A...I feel that way sometimes too (I am 35, we've been married for 3 years) but I just take a deep breath, I don't want to rush any decisions because I do love him and I know he's sick. One thing that has helped me to stop resenting him and his behavior is realizing the difference between reality and fantasy. A lot of what I feel he "should do" and how he "should act" is because of a fantasy of him as a husband I created in my head...not actually who he is, and that's not fair to him.
I hope you keep coming back to the board. It really helps to share stories with others.
Mattie: That is a good question, what is keeping me in the relationship...the biggest factor, sadly, right now, is that I don't want to make him worse by leaving. Other than that, of course there are things about him I fell in love with that are still there (when he's sober)...intelligence, sense of humor, etc. And he still loves me, in the best way he can, and I do see that. I, too, naively thought that once he entered a program a flip would switch and things would go back to the way they were...and for a short time it seemed like they did...but now they are back to being worse than ever. Now I no longer trust him when he tells me "This time I am committed, this time I'm going to do whatever it takes..." because I've heard it all before. I am so sorry that your A put your toddler's life in danger, how sad and scary! We do not have children (though I desperately want to) and that is a factor in my decision...because if I stay, I do not know if I will ever be comfortable having a child with him. You've given me much to think about, thank you.
Mike: I like your idea of the 60/40 rule even though it scares to sh!t out of me. It scares me because if I'm honest I 60% sure of the decision I need to make, and that decision sucks! But I don't want to live paralyzed by fear either.
Jazzie: Thank you. I am going to my first face to face Al Anon meeting tonight. Again what spoke to me in your post is that you wanted to keep your family intact, and for us, there is no family. And I fear that if I stay with him, there never will be. Living with him is so tough right now. I am hoping I can make a decision and be at peace with it.
Thanks CoopsMom! I struggle with the idea of feeling like I am not a "great catch" because I have recently (over the past year) done a ton of work on myself, had regular counseling, lots of self-reflection, and I feel like I'm the best me I've ever been right now...so I actually do feel like I am a good catch, as egotistic as that may sound. I have tried very hard not to be a martyr, though I am sure I am failing at times...
I'm not saying what you should do because only you are in the good position to know that. I just wanted to make one observation about your concern that leaving would make him worse. I imagine you've heard the term "enabling," which is protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking. So if he might be fired because he's shown up at work drunk, but we make excuses for him and cover his tracks, and he isn't fired ... that seems good, except his subconscious is saying "Great! I worried that drinking would have bad consequences, but it doesn't! I got away with it! Full speed ahead on the drinking!" So enabling seems like helping, but actually it's helping the drinking, not the drinker.
So in some ways, staying with a drinker despite all the problems (lack of intimacy, lies, self-deception, disappointment, insanity, turmoil, unreliability, putting everything except drinking low down the list of priorities) cushions them from the impact of the decisions they're making. Their subconscious is keeping tabs: "I can have it all! My drinking and my relationships! Yay! Full speed ahead on the drinking!"
So if you were to leave, it might make his life "worse," but that would be an honest consequence of his decision to keep drinking. So things being "worse" would actually be "better." Not to say that this is what you should do - just in thinking about all your options.
Maybe you have to look at it the other way and you staying has enabled him to continue his behavior with the status quo. Who knows, if you left, it may just be the wakeup call that he needed to seek help. The tricky thing is about this disease is you just don't know how far the A will fall before they hit rock bottom and seek help or even if they will ever hit rock bottom. What I have learned in Al Anon is that you don't have to make a decision right away, though if you are anything like me you just want to make one so you can be done with it and move on. I have learned to try and take it one day at a time which is also hard as I have a hard time not trying to predict the future. Here is what I see are very big positives for you in this situation right now 1) you don't have kids (kids just put another layer of complication to an already tough situtation), 2) you are young (and don't let the clock tell you differently because people have kids late in life these days - I am 38 and I still have a number of friends who are having kids at this age), 3) you are financially independent. The last one is a big one for me as I have a good job and if I do decide to leave my marriage in the future I don't have to worry about having to try and support myself and my family. My mom was in my situation 30+ years ago and she told me that she probably would have left my father when we were babies if she hadn't been financially dependent on my father as she was a stay at home mother at the time. Try and take lots and lots of deep breaths, get to as many face to face meetings as you can and just realize that it is ok to take some time to make a decision of what you should do next.
What a wonderful tread! Thank you all! This board is active and awesome!
I like the part about you don't have to do anything right now! I also wanted to make quick decisions and get things done damn it....... That was my diesase talking. My Sponsor reminded me " Easy Does It there fella ". He taught me patience(wasn't in my vocabulary prior to Alanon). To clear my head prior to making a decision. This way we can see reality more clearly.
And these important words: Have save my butt on many occassions.
- if you don't know what to do? Then do nothing......... The answer will come in time.
- if you don't know what to say? Then say nothing.......... The answer will come in time.
Thank you to Jazzie and Mike! You are right. I don't have to make a decision right now. I do think I've been enabling him, for over a year I've been saying "I won't tolerate X" and then he does X and apologizes and I forgive him and we move on. I understand saying I won't tolerate certain things and issuing ultimatums is NOT the correct way to handle this, but it's all I've known thus far. I do need to figure out how to draw my own boundaries for my own self-protection and enforce them, though.
I will try to be patient. I have an F2F meeting tonight and we have counseling tomorrow night so I will at least be patient through those.
And remember....do not be hard on yourself. All of us have enabled our A in one way or the other. For me and my husband, I was in denial for so long, used threats/ultimatums and tried to bargin with him, drank along with him, etc. Everyone has done it and that is just part of the disease. Your first step to a healthier you is recognizing the problem and seeking help. Weather or not your husband gets sober and help is up to him but it sounds like you will be just fine either with or without him. Best of luck.
Great