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The insanity roller coaster was at a lul for a long time until a couple of months ago, then at a lul again until this weekend and now I'm so angry that I can't tell if it's more at him or myself! I used to have to lock up certain meds my sons adderall and any narcotics that were prescribed to anyone other than the A because the A would come up with an excuse to take someone else's (except the adderall he had his own script he would just forget to call for a new one and because he was out he would take my son's until the script arrived in the mail) when finally one day I opened the bottle and there were only a few left, then I decided to rip him a new one!! He was told leave his sons alone and remember to get his own or go without and that if I caught him doing it again he was leaving. Well I got prescribed hydrocodone for my back which has been in spasms and really painful to sleep at night, along with the muscle relaxers I only needed them the first few nights now I just take the muscle relaxers and I can get a decent night's sleep. Today I counted the hydro's (like I've been doing since I've had them) and there are a couple missing since Friday so I ask him if he's taken any and I get his usual answer (when he doesn't want to admit it because he knows he's in trouble) probably. So I lay into him and say those are my pills for my pain if you want pills get your own! Then I say what bleeping pain do you have that you need to take any? He says I had a headache so I yell YOU TAKE IBUPROFEN FOR A HEADACHE NOT HYDROCODONE STAY THE F*&$ OUT OF MY MEDICINE! He say's you made your point. I say I've made my point many times it doesn't seem to stick I'm tired of this and then call him some names and go take a shower. I have not reacted to a situation like the last couple in years and now I feel like I'm right back where I was before I got a grip of myself and was in a good place. I know this is cycle and I know it won't end unless he want's it to and makes it happen. Like I said in my last couple of posts I have a plan even when he came back I continued with my plan so that when I need him to leave I can take care of me and my children financially without being unfair to him money wise. I'm not quite where I want to be financially but at least it only feels like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel not like there is not light at the end of the tunnel. I promise there will be peace someday! Thanks all for reading about my ride.
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
So sorry that the chaos continues for you. I also had to lock up prescribed medications and/or valuable in my home. I made all things that were of value very difficult to find/steal and it helped with my own serenity. I continue to lock up my 'room' and keep anything of value in there, even though 2 of my 3 qualifiers no longer live here. It's become a habit and my AH is a snoop.
In my home, it took me a long time to realize that any confrontations turned into chaos-filled drama fests where all blame came directly back at me. It took me a long time to decide to choose happiness over being right. I did everything I could to proactively minimize these situations and that helped a ton. I realize in a normal home, we can expect privacy and responsible behavior/choices. Unfortunately, when we live with an Alcoholic, there is not too much that is normal.
When I was able to accept how powerless I was over the whole situation, and desired different, I began to seriously work on me using all the Al-Anon tools. My program friends, my sponsor and my MIP family help keep me as grounded as one can be when we love alcoholics and live with the disease. I still have to practice detachment, it doesn't come naturally to me. I was also told early on that if I could not detach with love, I could detach with indifference. The goal was to not detach with anger as that's when I would lose 'me' the most.
You are not in an easy place, and my heart goes out to you. Know that we are all here and only a post away. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you ladies it's always comforting to hear from others with similar experiences. I will go on with this new day today although I'm not in a great place inside myself I will continue to try to get back to that once again and mostly try to get rid of this angry feeling I hate so much. The kids and I have a couple of Dr.s appointments and I'm shopping for new curtains for my bedroom and paint and some new knobs for a vanity for one of our bathrooms I am redoing I will try to make this a good day. As I can see right now he's either going to work late or not going at all as I'm sure it's because he didn't sleep good at all. I will be busy with me
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
That is exactly how we do it - one day at a time, doing the next right thing! Do your best to make each moment as pleasant as possible! You can enjoy moments in 24 hours, which for me at the end of the day as I look back, I see more good moments than bad, which then leads my brain to seeing good/great days! One moment, one day at a time!
Enjoy the day Holly!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have my spouse lock up or hide certain medications. I know I can't trust myself all the time with them lying around. I hate that I am like that but at least I know it, admit it, and plan for it. Strangely, I can handle having alcohol around now and not drinking it. I guess if I had to, I would deal with having to take painkillers or be around them responsibly.
My point is that your AH is definitely not taking those pills because he is stupid. He's doing it because he's an addict. The lies are out of shame and not because he thinks you are stupid either. This doesn't absolve him or adult responsibility or make everything all better. It does illustrate the need for treatment for him, but we all know we can't make them comply with that...
I don't have Much to Add other then I had an Al-Anon Friend that went thru this with her AH, he came to her and ask her to Lock up HIS Meds... Because he knew he couldn't take them as Prescribed due to his Illness of Addictions however he Needed them For his Other Health Issues... She would lock them in a Safe, and Every Morning Before Work she would Lay out what he needed for the DAY... and Regardless how much he begged or Took thru out, she did not give him anymore then his Daily need...
I Myself Couldn't have done all that she had done, and Like you... I Would have Most Likely Reacted the Same way... Thanks to Al-Anon I have Found a Better way, I Have Found that I Can Speak my Truths without driving myself to the Insanity level (Which at times is the only one My Addicts seem to Understand)... Something that Helped Me thru a lot of the ICK was Setting Boundaries for what I Would & Would Not Tolerate...
I Love that you are Planning ahead, we seem to think a lot alike ;) My AH made the Mistake One day of telling me "You Can Never Make it Without ME!" and I have to say that when he said that it truly Rocked My World... Because ... HE WAS RIGHT! :/ But Since that Day, I Started My Own Saving, and though I Can't skip Country, I Can Indeed Get out Anytime I Want... And have Plenty to keep me Comfortable till I find a Job and Place I Love... (We run a small business together)...
Al-Anon Taught me how to Get out of My Own Way... Though My AH & I Am Still Together, Our Insanity Now only comes in "Blubs"... And I Can Choose to Loose me, or I Can Choose to Rise above and leave His Responsibility's on HIM... I see Nothing Wrong with Locking up ALL things for You & Your Children's Health... I Know it not something we should have to do... However, for Your Own Health.. And your Kids... it maybe best :) After all, at least then you wouldn't have to count them daily to make sure cause you would then Know they are Safe...
Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest, Here in Support :)
