The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for July 25. speaks about the anger, resentments, self-pity ,and guilt that we carry about within us. prior to finding Al-Anon.
The reading suggests that by working the Al-Anon program the answer became apparent--." We lacked courage to validate ourselves"
If we take the time and truly look at the Serenity Prayer we find that "Courage" is granted by HP so that is where we can first turn.--- Then it is up to us to do our part and attempt to learn to say "no" when we mean"No."
We also have to ask ourselves if we are willing to accept that not everyone will be thrilled with this change and want you to change back. So that when we become fed up with volunteering to be treated like a doormat we can "square your shoulders and say no". I will then pray for courage and guidance.
The quote is from Woodrow Wilson.. .There is a price that is too great to pay for peace one cannot pay the price of self-respect."
I do believe that I paid the price of" self respect "often prior to working this program. In fact my family was so insistent that I "Change back " that they were extremely hostile and often stated that the "wrong person" in my family died-- as my hubby was much nicer.
I continued to use program, place principles above personalities, examine my motives and then squared my shoulders and responded:" you are entitled to your opinion but I am still not going to do blank".
My response amazed me as I did not engage, start to argue and then fall into my old pattern of making amends doing what they wanted. This is a fantastic program.-- Today they accept me for who and what I am and all is well. Thank you alanon.
Betty, I recently had a discussion with my son about how he wanted me to change back. He wanted the easy way when all 3 of us lived together, he was telling me that he wanted me to go back to his father, etc because he was miserable and hated the divorce and what it did to his comfortable lifestyle. Even with the guilt that I felt after that conversation, I was still able to tell my son, "I'm sorry you feel that way but I will not go back. I will not change back. I will not give up my recovery or my serenity for that insanity ever again. And, I will not stop dating the man I'm dating just because you're not ready to accept it."
Honestly, it was empowering to me to be able to tell my own child NO, because I used to bend over backwards for everyone, especially. I wanted his life to be easy, I didn't want him to suffer, but now I see that I was over protective and that he needs to experience life with all it's good and all it's bad and he needs to develop tools just as I had to do.
Thank you for sharing this!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you as well Betty ... still have a hard time with saying no, to family members, etc., but
like everything else, one-day-at-a-time towards progress not perfection. :)
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too find today's reading/meditation very powerful. My 3 As still flinch at the 'renewed me' but with consistency, it's getting better, slowly. I've found a new level of confidence by working this program and the steps, and feel as if I am close to being 'whole' again.
Saying No was so hard because for so long my No(s) might mean maybe. They all 3 knew if they kept working me I might bend/change my mind. They still try to manipulate me/my choices and they still have a hissy fit when they don't get their way, but it's slowly getting better/easier to manage.
What a powerful, powerful message this reading gives us. It validates for me that when I do what I have been taught, I can hold my head/shoulders high as I keep moving forward.
Hugs to all and thanks for the daily and ESH Betty and all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't think my sisters will accept me for who I am now after my divorce 1 1/2 years ago from my workaholic husband. After I told them my reasons for my divorce and the details they seemed to understand but they have had less contact with me now. Recently I turned to them for some financial help which I regret now and they turned me down saying they had started a 'support group' for me about 6 months ago but I never got back in touch with them and how disappointed they were, etc. There were other reasons for not financially helping me but their comments clearly make me realize they don't understand my situation. So they want to turn it around and make it my fault that they would support me but I haven't turned to them.
It's hard knowing this relationship may never be the same. But I am a different person now that they can't relate to what I am going through, mentally, financially, physically, etc. They live several states away so I don't have to confront them face to face on any of these issues. I told them I am in Al-Anon but I believe they resent the fact that my A boyfriend has been a help and support to me because he has been through the AA program.
I am tired of their excuses when they don't call me that they are having health problems, been too tired, etc. It is always the same thing. I have felt like writing an e-mail to tell them all of this but then it just starts them up with more excuses and more of them pointing the blame at me.
So I will learn to accept this and realize that things will be different between us. I can't let it effect the serenity in my life that I am trying so hard to achieve right now.
as I did not engage, start to argue and then fall into my old pattern of making amends doing what they wanted. This is a fantastic program.-- Today they accept me for who and what I am and all is well. Thank you alanon.