The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Funny how when I look back from where I started to where I am Now, I would like to think I have Moved some Mountains I think Growing up under the thumb of active alcoholics & addicts makes me someone at times I cant even understand
When I got to Al-Anon almost 7yrs ago, I was Broken I Couldnt tell you what Kind of Eggs I Liked because I was always Trying to Please someone else with my Choices, so if they got Scrambled, So did I They got over easy, So did IIt was Easy and I didnt have to Think as long as I knew them I Honestly when ask only knew how to respond with what I Thought they wanted me to say, See I Played the Game all my Life, and it truly was the Only Road I knew, Manipulation of the Mind, Body & Spirit
I Still Very Much Struggle with Trying to Please Others, I want People Happy. I Cant Help it I Want to Show them Love, I Want to Show them HOPE I Want to Make their Dark Day Brighter, and when I do, I Feel Like I did Something that Changed their Outlook even if just for a Moment, and Maybe Just Maybe that could change their Life?!?!?
Now to Say I Dont get Good Feelings Myself when it goes Smoothly, would be a lie, because I Do Love the Feel of WoW that was Great So that is something I Do Take from it, but I think at times it is my Desire to Give Others, what I Wish I Had Myself I think in my Sick mind that if I Please Others Long Enough then the Feeling of Being Pleased Would just flow over me, and Make the Rest of Life Nothing but Sunshine & Daisys
Before I Found My Al-Anon Family I Honestly thought I Needed Permission for Everything I Did, I would say things Like: Do you Care if I Go to the Bathroom?!?! Or Is it Alright if I Make this for Dinner? Well What would You Like with it? And When Ask a Question My Response was Always Well what ever you like, or if that works for you, or If thats what you Want
My Thinking was So Child like that it almost Hurt! Now this is a Gal that is 35 years old at the time and just cant say what kinda Eggs she Likes :/ and I know it was One of the Reasons My Husband and I wouldnt talk to each other sometimes because he just hated the Questions, ALL the time. Always Unsure of Myself, and what I should or shouldnt think, feel or be on Everything I did or wanted to do
I Wouldnt go out with Friends to dinner because he may have something he wanted to do that night, and if I wasnt available then he may get mad or upset. (He never said these things, Just what I felt was Real). I hated when Family events come up because my family has Always been together Every Holiday, and he just was not one to enjoy these things, So if I was to go, I would have to be as Miserable as he was Cause that was Just the Right Thing to Do! I was his Wife I had to Feel and Be what he was, Regardless of Who I was Oh thats Right There was No Me?
In 7 Beautiful Years, I can tell you Today I Like My Eggs Over Med & Over Home frys J , I Plan Girls Nights Out about every month, with either my Al-Anon Family for Fellowship or my High school Friends, and Sometimes My FOO Family I have Seen My First Live Play and Liked it so Much I have Now been to Another, I go to Cheap Night" at the Movies about once a month either by myself or with friends, I Took up Crafting and Selling my items for some extra Me Fun Money, I have Taken Up Photography on my Off Work time, I have Saved More Money than Ever in my Life and Im Enjoying Life More? My Hair Style Can Change like the Weather, after decades of Hearing my Afather voice in my head saying All Girls have to have Long Hair, Thee End! I have went to Out of Town, All Weekend to Conventions with Friends, I Can Jump on My Harley and Go Anywhere without Believing my Husband Has to be on His, I Can Go Out to Eat In a restaurant By Myself and Feel Worthy of a Meal and time alone, I Can Hike, Bike and Kayak Any Moment I Want without Permission. :D I Am Going on 5yrs Sober from Alcohol, I can be in Any Place and Know Im OK Even if by myself
Now all this Sounds like a Perfect little bubble I Live in Now, However the Reality of all this is, inside Each of those truly (Too Me) Amazing Accomplishments, I have Survived Tragedy, Loss, Hardship, Heartbreak, and at times totally Crippling of the Soul
What 7 years gave me was LIFE. Not a Perfect one, Not one Striving for such a thing, but a Thriving Life One where when my Feet hit the Floor in the morning I have Already Thanked HP for Breathing One more Start of a Day into My Journey, because I Could not be Any More Grateful for this NEW and IMPROVED and Far from Perfection Life that I have Been Gifted.
Great inspiring share Jozie It has been such a gift to share this journey as you became a Miracle in Progress".
I appreciate how you noted that life was not always easy, but you were able to overcome by using the tools.I must add that I too have had serious miracles of joy and happiness in the many years that I've been in Al-Anon and I also known the crippling sadness and power of this disease.
I think before Al-Anon I honestly believed that if I learned how to play by the rules that I could avoid all the pain and sadness in his life. Al-Anon and HP has taught me different.
I finally understand that life is for growing and is a spiritual journey. By learning how to live life on life's terms. I am not going to ever avoid the problems, I'm just going to learn how to live, and respond to them in a healthier manner,with courage serenity and wisdom. It is a pleasure to witness your wisdom and courage.
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Lovely share Jozie and a 'walking testimony' to the power of the program. You need to reread this any time you are having a down moment and remind yourself what a miracle in progress you truly are!
Way to go girl - keep working your program ... it looks fantastic on you!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Love it! I take one sugar in my coffee and none in my tea. All of my partners would dump a trucksworth in regardless. So I'm not a sweet lady lol. Deal with it or move along hehe. Keep on keeping on. X
Thank you All For Being here.... With out you and Your Journey, Mine wouldn't be Near as Sweet, it is thru Growing With you all that Mine Life Has become Manageable :) and for that I'm Forever Grateful for such an Amazing MIP Family
