The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know if I believe in coincidence in life anymore, and as much as the word manifestation seems silly, it feels real. I had been having a relapse moment the last couple of weeks after some failed romantic flings inspired me to lament my relationship with my A, and wish that I could reconnect with him. Then, at a social event, he just appeared. All that pining sprung to in that moment, but as soon as he opened his mouth and started spewing the same ol' mess I'd heard for nearly 3 years, my heels ground down to stop myself from ever thinking I made the wrong decision in leaving. Seeing his lack of progress, was heartbreaking, and my main wish in reconnecting was to see if he had at all taken steps to recovery. I had been holding onto the last shreds of hope that he'd clean up and we could get back together. As i watched him try to pull his same ol' tricks, I dodged them and politely excused myself and left, and as rough as it was, I felt like I could finally see it all with a bit of clarity. I have been very mistrusting of myself lately, due to the whole ordeal, and to my recent choices in men, and I just felt like in that moment I was going to stop quilting myself and just be proud that at least I had the courage and strength to take that first step in change.
During most of the conversation, my A, kept making these generalized statements to try to steer me into saying or alluding to the fact that my life was much better without him. I was telling a friend, I wouldn't call it better, just different. I loved him completely, and I'd like to think that if there had been some forward movement towards change, if he had started the path to recovery, we could have gotten better together, but there's was no guarantee in that, and there's no sense in grieving a future that never was. I was shaken by the run in, but I wasn't destroyed, like I had been after previous run ins. I felt a sense of closure and peace and strength. I wish him so much and I hope he wakes up, for himself, not me, but I hope that I can continue with forward motion and be resolved in knowing myself and being proud of who I am and all I have done, and that I haven't just survived or endured my hard times, I've made myself a better person because of them. It's hard some days, but I am trying to hold to that as I struggle with residual grief from my father's passing 4 years ago and health issues. I hold onto hope and that I am not alone. I thank people on this board who have been positive and encouraging. It has been a safe place, and I am grateful for the community.
Thanks for sharing your heart, AStallaslions. HP does work in mysterious ways and I am glad that you were able to be present and truly see the reality .
Keep on working your program and a new light will shine. .
Very nice post with recovery and hope! I can see myself in your post. God does reveal more. I was very afraid when I split with my X, but I was reassured soon after and continue to be reassured that I'm on a better/healthier path. I too, wanted my X to see the light and held out hope that she entered recovery. She has not. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Four years later, she recently got a DWI and lost her license and my daugther(18) had to put her to bed the other night because she came home eniberated. But there continues to be no problem? Not my business today. Thank you God!
Clarity- yes, by maintaining our Spiritual condition and practicing the principles in all of our affairs. Much easy to spot a storm on the horizon and take steps to protect ourselves.
Gratitude- yes, nice not to be in the insanity any longer. Peace of mind is priceless..................
Wow, I can relate. My exAH and I were together for the most part of 15 years and I used to dream he would get sober and work a program and in fact I tried to force it while we were together. In reality I have gotten healthier working my own program and no longer want anything to do with him, because I have outgrown him. I am no longer attracted to the mess he is and I do feel badly that he hasn't discovered more in life for himself but that is his battle and I am taking great care of me. Al-anon has taught me to take off my blinders and really see even the painful things helped me to be better and stronger. I am glad to hear your awareness is growing and you are taking charge of your own happiness. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It is amazing how we are not alone and that our trials and tribulations are similarly faced by others as well.
My ex is a substance abuser. We were together for 6 months and fell quite hard for each other. During the relationship I realized how bad his drug use was and then I caught him cheating. When I asked 'why' all he could say was "I don't know, I was feeling lonely". I was so heartbroken, but so much in love with him. So I took him back. After 3 more months of enduring emotional abuse, I was about to leave for a trip back home to visit my family for Christmas. He broke up with me the night before I left because he supposedly "knew" that when I went home I'd hook up with my ex or ex-flings. I was devastated, but I was also so tired. We didn't talk or see each other for 6 months. Just last month he showed up at my house uninvited and unannounced. Like you, during the time apart I pined over a future with him when he figured his stuff out and go better. But when he showed up at the door, he had lost a lot of weight, eyes sullen, hating his job (still), and just looked really lost. He said that he had been thinking about me and wanted to apologize for the way that he treated me. He started to cry. He kept repeating "I don't wan't anything from you." All I felt was compassion. Since our break up I had gone back to Al-Anon and taken steps to make myself better. On that night, I saw that he had fallen deeper into his depression and drug use.
I slipped up. I did not draw a healthy boundary with him and I couldn't detach. Even though he was saying "I don't want anything from you", what he was really saying was that he wanted me back. Because after a week of him showing up at my house and me not taking him back, he decided to send very mean and hurtful text messages to me. I was so heartbroken and I really let it get to me. Not that I believed anything that he said, but the fact that he was someone I loved and trusted, for him to say such hurtful things to me really broke my spirit. So I wrote him a compassionate response, that when he's ready for help, it's out there. I went straight to a meeting and haven't once regretted not going back.
With all these emotions in my head, I started to act out to other men that I had been dating. Forcing solutions and eventually isolating myself. I have thrown myself into the program. Finally working the steps with a sponsor and bringing the focus back to me. Just remember to bring the focus back to yourself. My sponsor told me "Make your life wonderful, then offer to share it with someone else. Only you are responsible for your happiness, health, and well being."
Thank you for your share - I so appreciate your honestly and ESH. I think it's very natural for us to want those we care about to have happy, healthy lives. Where I get into trouble is by relaxing my boundaries and not detaching as I should - doing for them that which they can do for themselves. I do a ton of praying for those in my life who are affected by this disease. I always pray for God's will as my hope is it's far better than my will for them. I just want them happy, healthy and whole - he may have a better plan that mine, so that's what I hold onto.
I wish you and all of us peace through our journey. I do know that when I have these types of set-backs, it often is a good thing as I learn something new about myself and/or I determine a new boundary that supports continued growth in this program. I have to hold on to my belief that my HP has me and knows what's best for me and my path.
Keep working your program - it looks good on you and keep sharing here! We're all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like what your sponsor said leilabu. I think a lot of us believed the A would get better and "have their stuff together" if they just stopped drinking and/or using and got into recovery. Truth be told, that is just the tip of the iceberg. For both them and us, recovery is a long and arduous journey. No alcoholic or addict just "gets their crap together." It takes years and, in the meanwhile, they often are not good relationship material...and honestly, alanoners are not great relationship material either prior to assessing and treating the reasons drawn to a sick, emotionally stunted person and also allowing space and time to just live without alcoholic drama for a while to gain clarity. So yeah, it's a blessing you and the original poster here have alanon. It's also good that you are both detached enough to see that when nothing has changed with the A. I only wanted to add that it may help just to have a realistic idea of what recovery is, both in alanon and AA or NA. It takes time, tons of effort, willingness, and collosal surrender. Holding on for someone to just "get better" or choose recovery is overly simplifying a really drastic change process that most folks don't take to easily. Hence, alanon will have you focusing on you because that is the one person where if you want change, you can make it happen. I would not expect to see much change in an A unless I knew they were in a recovery program, that they were dilligently working it, AND had been at it for quite some time. It's like expecting someone to just "get better" from anorexia or bipolar disorder if they "just change." Not realistic or worth torturing yourself over. Better to focus on you and dealing with what is and who others are in the moment.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 21st of July 2015 05:43:29 PM
