The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight when I was at my A's place I wasn't going to discuss an issue with him but I decided to anyway. Over the past 6 mos or more the affection between us has decreased on his part really. Not to go into details really but I was uncomfortable around December something we were doing and I decided we should stop it. For several months he would make excuses that his depression was causing his decrease in his 'attention' towards me but tonight I decided to talk to him some more about it.
He lived so many years as an Alcoholic and with ptsd that any discussion we says is uncomfortable for him and he feels unnecessary. I feel he never learned the social skills to talk things out. After several marriages he never really learned how to work out differences. He blamed me for changing things the way they were and he doesn't like that there are new limits to what we can do physically so he would rather not have much of any contact. At one time he called me ridiculous for what really I don't remember. He said I shouldn't be the one to make the rules but I wasn't really making anything different than what I had told him several months ago. He can be very confusing and almost manipulative or controlling in the way he will talk to me. I think he might have realized later how he talked to me because after he got off from a phone call he started acting a lot nicer to me.
I have a f2f meeting on Monday night. I have decided I need to talk to someone there and get them to call me on Tuesday night. I usually go to see him on Tuesday but I feel it would be best if I don't go over there for now. At least not on Tuesday. I sometimes just don't have the strength to keep myself from going over there. I will make up excuses that he wasn't himself, etc... He used to be such a support and fun to be around but now it has changed and is not usually that way.
-- Edited by catlover26 on Sunday 19th of July 2015 02:43:53 AM
-- Edited by catlover26 on Sunday 19th of July 2015 02:46:23 AM
So sorry that you are feeling confused and perhaps a bit of rejection. Communication is difficult for healthy couples/families, and seems to be even more challenging for those of us dealing with addiction. In this program, I have learned to truly process what I feel and think before I engage. My own thinking contributes to many of the issues in my home, as it's often based on emotion and perceptions vs. reality.
For me, my sponsor and program friends have truly become a critical part of my recovery. I see you make mention of your F2F group and the need to talk with someone. I believe that's a great next step. Using the program, tools, slogans and steps will help you and guide you to different ways of thinking and doing.
We can't control anything another person says/does but we can control how we hear it, respond to it and/or react to it. I use the slogan of Take What You Like & Leave The Rest often beyond the rooms of Al-Anon....many things that come out of the mouth of those I love doesn't align with the present conversation - it's just a reaction to something I've said that they don't like or makes them uncomfortable.
Hang in there and keep the focus on you. Glad you posted and know that we're all here and just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There is that saying: When someone shows you who they are, believe it. I think that one applies here. Yes, it does sound like he is manipulative and makes a ton of excuses for bad behaviors, emotional neglect...and so forth. However; it also sounds like you are super invested in believing his excuses and giving him the benefit of the doubt all the time. Part of detachment is knowing how much of a persons behavior and issues really belong to them and not you. Once you really determine it is him, you won't be so easily gaslighted (made to doubt yourself) and it will be easier to stand in your truth even if it means you and he are not compatible.
Hi Catlover I agree with each response and just wanted to add that It might be possible for you to search out an alanon meeting on Tuesday night and attend. Taking responsibility for my well being and going where it was warm was an important gift that alanon gave me.
Asking someone from program to call you on Tuesday night is again giving your power to another .
