The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time sharing on any support group, I find it is needed to try and clear my head. I am a 20 y/o female who is now married and live over an hour away from my parents who are still married. Growing up I have always said that I did not want my father in my life is he continued drinking. Now that I am older I am more than happy to take him any way that I can get him, as he is getting older, and he is not as healthy as I always thought that he was (when I was young he was invincible to me). I was always a Daddy's girl. Where he lacked love and emotion with me he never made me have a want, by giving me everything I wanted (with work from me, of course), and was a great provider for the family financially. My Mother did not hold a job, they agreed to play those roles early on, Mom stayed home with all of us kids, she always tried to make up for lost everything when Dad could not. I grew up resenting my Mother for allowing this behavior to continue and helping Dad manage it and keep it in check enough for people on the outside to not see what was really occurring. When Dad got another DUI, Mom would drive him to work every morning after waking him up off the couch where he passed out and feeding him breakfast. I looked up to my Dad as a strong man for having "an illness" as Mom would call it and still being able to take care of his family. Now that I am older and no longer living in the house, I have to try to keep a relationship with my parents separate. They truly cannot be happy. Mom has a million medical problems and sees about 10 different DR's for problems which no one can diagnose or treat, and Dad works 70 hours a week and travels. Every time I see my Mother, she tells me how much they are getting along, how happy they are, and how much better my Father's drinking is getting and slowing down. When I see Dad, he complains about my Mother's health issues that we (Dad, myself, the other kids) think may be depression disguised, and he is always trashed. I have not seen him in the past year except once or twice that he was not stumbling on his own words and had one eye closed more than the other (I have always been able to tell when my Father had a few drinks before Mom would admit he had been drinking). I do not know how to handle my Father, love him as he is, he is killing himself, or stay away from the dangerous spiral for my own sanity? Any comments or concerns would be helpful!
Hello Jmunni Welcome to Mracles in Progress. I can certainly identify with all that you have shared and appreciate your honesty and clarity. Living with the disease of alcoholism is devastating and we developed many negative coping tools to enable us to live life in such a fashion.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. We who live with the disease, children, parents, spouses, brothers and sisters all are affected by this disease and need a program of recovery themselves.
AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic and Al-Anon the recovery program for family members. Al-Anon, like AA holds face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the telephone directory.
You and your mom could benefit greatly from attending such meetings because it is here that I learned how to take care myself, live one day at a time, rebuilt my self-esteem and self-worth and still love and have compassion for others.
Jmunni, I want to second what Betty said. I hear how painful it is to watch your loved ones struggle and decline. I have been in similar shoes (not identical, but close, an alcoholic husband whose diseases caught up with him).
I have found the Al-Anon program a god-send in getting myself through this time. I started with face-to-face meetings, where I met people who had faced some of the same things I was facing. It was such a relief to my mind.
I hope you can find a meeting near you, or maybe try the online meetings they have here. Through meetings and literature, as well as a sponsor and discussion boards like this, I was able to find some peace of mind which did improve the family situation.
I too welcome you to MIP. Thank you for your post - I hope that just by joining us and sharing you have a bit of relief through your release of what's going on.
I also encourage you to find local Al-Anon meetings. The fellowship provides excellent support for those of us who love/live with Alcoholism, and everyone truly understands where we are coming from.
If F2F (Face to Face) meetings are not available close by, there are 2 meetings here twice a day. The program, literature, slogans and steps can truly help you find some peace as you move forward.
So glad you are here and know that we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you very much for your replies. It is most reassuring to see anyone reply. It feels very deflating when you post on a discussion board and have zero replies. I have searched for a face to face group near me, I live in a capital, so unsure why there is none but there is none. I would have to drive several hours for one. I will continue to search in an online support group! Thank you
Welcome! That is sad what is going on with your parents. On the other hand, it's actually impressive that you have enough clarity after growing up in it to know that it's messed up. It does sound like they have a well oiled enabling machine that is guised under the term "marriage." Heck, often times in a non alcoholic marriage, people get real codependent over the years and settle into these strange patterns of dysfunction. My grandfather had been relying on my grandmother so long to cook for him, that he couldn't remember how to make a sandwich without her. When he died, little did anyone know, she had a desperate fear of being by herself. She seemed like the strong one...yet she couldn't stand to be alone for a second without someone in the house with her. It was sad, but they were together relying on each other in healthy, and also NOT HEALTHY ways for over 60 years.
So add alcohol to that, and you have two people who are reinforcing each others' weaknesses while supporting each other to stay alive. Alanon is a lifesaver truly because it has us focus on self-care and remaining relatively autonomous and independently sufficient even if we choose to be in relationships. It's like a codependency blocker lol. So, stick around here Jmunni... Alanon and maybe also ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) may be very helpful to you just to keep you focused on your own self-care so you don't model what was shown to you in your upbringing. Not to say your parents are evil or bad in any way. It doesn't sound that way. It is a by product of alcoholism and codependency that you are describing and you don't have to live it. You are smart enough to see it's not what you want for your life. Plus - you do need and deserve to have support in terms of dealing with parents that function like that. That alone is stressful and alanon is a big help in that way too. I feel for you and just wanted to write in support and encouragement. Hang in there and keep coming back.
Hi again the on line meetings here are fantastic - The meetings are held in the chat room and can be reached by clicking the chat room / meeting room bar at the top of the page
Here is the schedule Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
