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I am trying to figure out if I have been emotionally and verbally abused and need some clarification. My ah is very negative about everything he can complain and I have asked him repeated to stop but he doesn't. He actually comes to my cubicle after bad meetings and complains to me about how bad they are. Then we get home and it is the same of how bad things are or who treated him badly. We even went away for a weekend and went camping and he complained about the kids next door chopping wood and about how we could never get a vacation house bc the minute we did the economy would turn and we would lose it. Then he says well it's better to get it and have it for 5 years then not too beside it would be better for your head. Then he complains that only he knows directions and the gps is wrong but then he gets and at me bc my time is wrong when I tell him that the God is ok but if he wants to turn around then do it. I was right about the gps and instead admitting it he had a snide comment about it. Lately he told me that he mows the grass, makes me coffee or watches my daughter because he know that he is going to act like a jerk and his kind acts make up for it and just get over it. I think that is when I realized he doesn't do things for me because he loves me but because it is just enough for me to forgive him so he can be mean to me again. Am I thinking clearly still. I caught him drinking again twice and he lied about it. And when he got mad at me over the gps I told him I knew so he is in slight suck up mode right now. His doctor gave him a new prescription for bipolar and he sends me a text saying his mood is better and his sex drive. I mean really...he went to see his parents so I am alone for the night and I am loving it but need to know what u all think he thinks this drug will cure him and I am just numb. I need someone to keep me on course to get him out of my life for good. I have given up hope but I see it creepy its head up with this new mess and I just need a reality check please.
I think "abused" depends on how you define it, but it seems clear to me that this is not an emotionally healthy situation and your A is not an emotionally healthy person. The negativity, denial, and generally chaotic thinking are very familiar! It is hard to live around that, and impossible to live around it without your own thoughts tending to get distorted. We lose perspective when the craziness is presented as "normal" every day. I see you are starting to regain perspective by asking "Is this healthy/normal?"
I don't know if I'd say he has as much scheming going on as you've suggested - but the regular way of operating for folks like this is "How can I keep getting away with my selfishness and bad habits?", and it sounds like he's going for it like a pro.
The sad truth is that when they're still drinking, none of it can get any better. The addiction makes their thinking so chaotic and insane that they can't think themselves into anything better. The only way to tackle the addiction is by working a formal program of recovery hard. The lying tells us that he's not ready to do this, if he ever will be. (The majority of addicts are not ever ready, sadly.) The bipolar adds another level of complication. But my guess is that even if he takes the bipolar drugs just as he's supposed to, the drinking will undo any good effect they're supposed to have. It would be typical of an alcoholic to think, "I'll take these drugs and that will solve my problem! Don't need to stop drinking! I've got the golden ticket now!"
So he is still on the same merry-go-round, and sticking to it hard. I guess it comes around to the saying, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?" The first step is assessing the situation, it looks like, which is the first step to a calmer and more peaceful life. Take good care of yourself.
Helpangel, you don't need us to specifically tell you if this is not right for you. You listed many things that are troubling, concerning, and bother you. There are like a billion things that you don't like and make you unhappy with this guy. Love should not be so much work. Who you choose to be with should ideally compliment you and not complicate you. You should be able to build a life together and not suffer through life together. I didn't know this stuff before the program.
