The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have started attending AA meetings again. I do not have a drinking problem, however, its the only 12 step meeting I can attend during the day as there is no al-anon meetings during the day. The more I attend the meetings I am truly amazed how powerful, cunning, baffling this disease is as well as how wide spread it is. Its a massive problem in society and how it effects everyone. I am understanding that I am truly powerless over this huge problem and that I can change only myself. I am getting it. I have started to look at the alcoholic bf as sick and he will drink no matter what I say and I need to accept that. I have been keeping busy by going to meetings and not being available to him. Its working as suddenly he seems nicer to me and even said yesterday, while sober, (drunk the night before), we need to get married soon. Its god's will so he can bless us. I did not even acknowledge that comment. Before I would have gotten all excited and talked non stop about the wedding. Now I do not even consider it or his delusional ideas. To marry him all I see is on going suffering and misery. Nothing will change, he will continue to get drunk and take his frustrations out on me. Is that really what I want?, NO, NO. I would be giving into his delusional idea that marriage will solve his alcoholism. He is very sick and I keep thinking of an escape plan, even to the point of wanting to meet someone else and move on. I am trying to keep the focus on my recovery right now and just ignore the bf the best I can. He got laid of his job yesterday ( he is Electrician), as well as a number of others so now I expect the drinking to really take off. He also received news his brother passed away yesterday and he will be traveling across the country to attend the funeral. He wants me to come with him but I do not want to be near him at all. I feel a lot of resentments, distrust and numb toward him. I do not even want to be near him. I have no empathy at all toward him during this time of his family passing as I know this will lead to the drunk of all drunks. A real excuse to drink and really drink and cry and feel sorry for himself. I have seen it so many times during this past year its so disgusting. I guess I am just done with this relationship. I am tried of trying to make things right and I give and give to him constantly and receive nothing back. Its like he is a statue, no emotions of affection toward me, no romance, nothing. He just sits there and becomes affectionate only when he wants sex. I am fed up with this type of treatment. I deserve better. I am just so done with this relationship emotionally. I am working on myself and just doing my own thing without his involvement. He is either sleeping, drinking or working. He is just not there. I know I have to work on me and create my own life separate from him and just treat him like a roomate. What else can I do? We do not even sleep in the same bed anymore. I prefer that actually as I get the bed to myself and its a better sleep than having him near me. I just feel such hopelessness as I do not see him trying and I just give up on this relationship. I am tired of trying and I am not doing it anymore. I have to just focus on me and my dog and daughter and the heck with him. I do not need him. I only wish he will drink elsewhere away from me. It would make it bearable. I would not have to listen to his self pity crap. I do try and leave and he follows me around the house. I just feel hurt I guess as I have allowed myself to settle for this. I know what I want...a sober, stable man that is in recovery, has a decent job, someone I can be attracted and proud of, a home-not a drunk house, travel, financial stability, laughter, love, respect. What I am living in today is far from this idea of what I want. I just have to give these things to myself I guess. Reality sucks big time as I want a different life with a new man. I just have to let go of what the alcoholic says and let it in one ear and out the other and keep myself out of his reach. I am trying and I needed to let this out as its bothering me and I need to focus on me...thanks for listening.
Boy isn't that post a justification for Al-Anon meetings...too bad you have no day groups and are not attending the evening groups. You might want to thinking about doing service to the program and starting a meeting during the convenient times for you. The on line meetings here are great for the ones I've attended. ((((hugs))))
"I know what I want...a sober, stable man that is in recovery, has a decent job, someone I can be attracted and proud of, a home-not a drunk house, travel, financial stability, laughter, love, respect. What I am living in today is far from this idea of what I want. I just have to give these things to myself I guess. Reality sucks big time as I want a different life with a new man."
Yep, I agree, these are all things to give to ourselves. It's Alanon's 7th Tradition to be fully self supporting declining outside contributions. Now with that said, in my humble opinion if someone is living with you it would be enabling not to expect them to share in expenses. Taking full responsibility for our own spiritual, emotional, physical and financial self sufficiency outside the rooms in our lifes, draws others to us who are doing the same. It's a lot of work to be dependent on myself but my higher power is there to help me every moment of the day. It's then a choice to choose maturing, progressing and growing or stay stuck. For me, the slogan Let It Begin with Me calls on me to be responsible for myself in all of my life affairs. I can ask for help at times from other people. I can choose to help people too at times if that feels right and healthy for me to do. In my experience, a change in partner wasn't my solution. A change in me was. I'm glad you're here with us at this Alanon board. I hope you find comfort and insights that help you to make decisions that are right for you and your life. I feel Jerry's idea about starting an Alanon meeting where you are is a good one. AA is a very different program from ours despite our using the same 12 steps. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Joker, I want the same things. Who in their right mind wouldn't? The question I keep asking myself is how much longer am I willing to wait? But as Tiredtonight said, I don't think I need a change in partner right now. I need a change in me first. That's what I'm trying to work on first. Good luck to you. I understand how you feel.
