The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am dating an alcoholic 16 yrs older than me. The age difference I do have to take into account with some of his actions but I don't want to make excuses for him. I think with him growing up with a stern mother and being bullied as a child plus the fact he was drinking from ages 18-42 has left him now at age 71 somewhat socially inept at times. Not a nice way to put it maybe. But he lived like a loner for 16 yrs after several divorces before he met me. Through several disagreements not really arguments I became to realize that he just was not use to regular discussion and this kind of interaction with someone except his brother as it would really upset him. He always treats me well although he is not one to really express his feelings.
I started attended al-anon a few months ago which has really helped. Today I went with him to his appt a few hours away at the VA. It can be sort of nerve wracking at times to go somewhere with him. We don't go out anywhere much anymore. He also has ptsd. When we are in a crowd of people he tends to talk to me about other people like if he sees someone very overweight. He used to be overweight so he knows how it feels but he still does it and it does make me uncomfortable but I don't say anything. He has very low self esteem so maybe that is part of the reason he does it. Some of this I am just writing to vent. I have decided it is probably best not to say anything to him about this. I have talked to him before about it and when we talk about these kinds of things it doesn't help. It creates more tension in our relationship.
Overall he is a very fun guy to be with when he is not as depressed and when other things such as politics don't upset him. If he were mistreating me that would be a whole different story. He has been a great support to me because I went through a divorce 1 1/2 yrs ago so before I started going to al-anon he talked to me about my serenity, etc. My ex husband was a workaholic.
Thanks for anyone reading this. I just needed to 'get it all out' today. Even though he doesn't always tell me what he loves me I know he does. He has mentioned after one of our 'disagreements' that no one else bothered to stay around long enough...
One thing I am taking into account is his current depression and health issues that are worrying me. But then again I know there is only so much I can do. Saturday night we were watching a movie that we had seen maybe not quite 2 months ago. It was obvious he didn't remember watching it. He is having sleeping problems and can fall asleep during a movie but the first time we saw it we had discussed it during a few parts because it was a military movie and he is a Vet. So it was very upsetting to watch it again and realize he didn't remember seeing it. But I didn't say anything. It could be the start of any number of problems.
-- Edited by catlover26 on Wednesday 15th of July 2015 12:52:50 AM
Meetings will help you to break the isolation caused by this disease, provide you with new tools to interact with him and a supportive place to practice.
Learning that I am powerless over others, but not helpless really helped. I love how the program keeps challenging me to keep the focus on myself, validate myself, examne my motives and allow others to have their opinions without reacting.
I have found that politics and religion are hot topics and rarely engage in such topics - I simply say we each have different opinion on this topic and will not engage in a discussin on the issue. I do respect your right to hold tehm.
I found I can have wonderful interactions with many who hold different political and religious beliefs than I . Not reacting but responding helps.
