The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I met my A, I had been on a strict personal program of "financial reform". After being horribly financially irresponsible in my early 20's I had used motherhood as the catalyst for big changes and I learnt to be very conscientious, credit-free and frugal. I found I'm quite good at it and I find it fun, finding ways to save and hunting for bargains etc. It's my "thing". A penny saved is a penny earned and all that. I was never overly concerned with possessions but once I had a child it became vitally important to me to know that we had a paid-for roof over our heads, food in the cupboards and no debt or financial catastrophes waiting around the corner. Plus something for a rainy day. I wanted to do this motherhood thing right.
Anyway one of the things I did back then was pay my rent and bills well in advance, and pay more than the required amount so as to get a long way into credit over the course of the year. I liked this better than banking the money as there was no temptation to make spontaneous purchases. Also, I don't know how it works in other countries but here, regardless of income there is a small fortnightly subsidy for families with children under 18 and you can elect to forgoe it and receive it as a lump sum at the end of the tax year and I have always elected to do that. Then, once a year I would reconcile all of my expenses, see how much I was in credit, add it to the lump sum payment and enjoy a couple of months with no bills and a lot of spare money. I called this "Christmas in July" lol and then I'd go and make any big purchases that we needed at the July sales and re-invest the rest. It doesn't get much more fun than that in my world!
I took a lot of pride in my ability to do this as I had been so monumentally hopeless with money before. It might seem like a silly thing to talk about but it was very important to me, a kind of indicator that I was NOT hopeless and could effect changes in my life if I set my mind to it.
So when I met A, I had not spent any of this money for a couple of years and had thousands saved and was several months ahead in all of my expenses. I made the grievous error of disclosing this proud fact to him and of course, he borrowed all of it, several thousand dollars went to his various financial needs instead of my bills for a while and surprise surprise, he didn't pay it back. I started saving again and when the next July rolled around he knew I had more "saved" and once again he was suddenly in dire need (and if I didn't bail him out he would have to move far away and never see me again. Got me every time with that one). This cycle repeated for a few years and I found that he was paying me back a portion of what he borrowed but in small scrappy amounts, say $50 every 2 weeks but then suddenly he would go to an extreme effort to eat everything I bought, smoke my cigarettes etc and I felt that he was reclaiming everything he paid back by having me spend it on him anyway. Not to mention the fact that he was living rent free in my flat and running up my bills, ugh. Basically I continued to be frugal and every cent I saved simply paid for his hedonism. The resentment almost ate me alive. In addition to this, my ex husband began doing dodgy things with his taxes and I was ending up with a BILL from the government instead of a bonus each year because I had not disclosed the extra child support that he was meant to have paid even though he had never paid it!!!. So in spite of my best efforts, I was having all of my savings taken, child support was unpaid and the government was billing me every year for my ex-husband's chicanery. It was very disheartening and I said 'Poor me" a lot.
Anyway the point isn't to complain about A, who was just doing what he does. The point is that I started to recognise that no kind of saving was possible with him because somehow, he would find a way to take it no matter what I did or how carefully I tried to hide it. So I stopped, and instead I began making sure I spent what was left each week on daughter and myself in the form of small purchases; clothes and gadgets etc. I stopped doing weekly shopping for groceries or buying up cheap items because whenever I did, it was all taken and I started living day-to-day. It was the only way I could see to cling on to our hopelessly one-sided relationship and still make sure that my resources were allocated to the right people- my daughter and myself. Oh the lengths I went to to stay with that guy and tell myself I was "detaching" and 'standing up for myself". I was hardly doing either of those things if I was not free to even save my own money or pay my expenses in the way of my choosing!!
He didn't like that change anyhoo and never quite got a handle on the ideas of me not having cash reserves for him to plunder. In the last monrths that we lived together he in fact asked me if he could borrow some money. I said no, I didn't have any and he went ballistic because I had paid the water bill that day. The bill had been unpaid for so long that they put us on water restrictions, where the water still comes out of the tap but at a trickle so it takes half a day to fill the washing machine, and showering is about as satisfying as ladling water over your head with a tea-spoon. Insane, isn't it? I had paid for all of our water usage so that we could all enjoy such luxuries as showering and flushing the toilet, and he was outraged because 'we didn't need water" and I was just being "utterly effing stupid" (because he wanted me to lend him money for booze and gambling). That I kept trying to argue my way through that insanity for all of those long years does my head in now. How did I do it? Why did I do it?
So the reason I reminisce about this nonsense today is, when I started living without him, I resumed my former "overpaying" system without giving it much thought. So although things have been difficult for the last 9 months (and yes I know, boy have I whinged about it) and expenses have been very high what with paying rent alone and starting daughter at high school (with a lot of help from my mother, granted) I reverted to my old saving habits without thinking much about it.
In addition to this, my mum and grandma decided to give me cash for my birthday this year and yesterday I reconciled all of my bills and found that I've managed to get myself a long way into credit. Added to this, child support is now being taken from my ex-husband and paid to me monthly and as I am quite used to doing without it, it's a lovely bonus lump sum every month. So I received child support a few days ago AND a lump sum from the government because since I took the action of having child support forcefully taken, he cannot play silly buggers with his taxes and has to pay the exact right amount!
So to cut a very long story short, this year, Melly got her Christmas in July once more. I made sure I left my bills well in credit still and then I paid for daughter and my tickets to attend a nerd convention interstate later this year. I bought daughter some clothing and a few trappings for her bedroom and then, today, I bought myself something that I have been wishing for for a long time. A proper, working computer. It's smexy. It's the most fancy-pants computer I have ever owned and oh boy did I have fun scouring the computer shops and hunting down the best possible price.
I didn't feel guilty and i didn't have to hide it from anyone when I came home. No-one got jealous or questioned my spending, or tried to take it from me and I don't have to worry that this one might be smashed to pieces by an angry drunk lunatic. I'm super-thrilled with it. It kind of symbolises the fact that I am now doing right by myself and that is a good and positive thing.
As a side issue I spent a very long time talking nerd with one of the computer shop guys and he asked me out. I felt really quite happy about that and walked out considering maybe going out with him as he was age-appropriate, cute and I think we would have plenty more nerd stuff to talk about and was half way home before I even thought of ABF and suddenly felt conflicted and guilty. Technically we are still in a relationship; it's not exactly going anywhere though and I have physically spent less than 2 weeks with him over the last 9 months. I'd have to make a break with him before I could go out with someone else in good conscience, and that sounds like a big painful nightmare. When I saw him last weekend I found I do still love him and wanted so much to enjoy spending time with him but he was drunk and belligerant and it was hopeless. He doesn't ever seem to grow and I don't ever feel safe or at ease with him. Even living apart, my life is on hold for "who he might become" while I am alone and he is being who he is. If he could make some sort of step towards being someone I could trust or feel safe with then I'd be in with my whole heart but nothing really changes in reality. He is attending a course, he is drinking less I think and he has been paying me back some money but overall, I feel as though he still feels that he can save up his worst behaviour for me when we are alone and that's probably all I am ever going to get from him... a lot of promises followed by awful behaviour, excuses and occasional apologies. If we lived together again the promises and apologies would in all likelihood stop and it'd just be the awful behaviour, really.
So it isn't the invitation or the guy I am worried about; who knows if that would go well or not. What really threw me for 6 was the fact that I stood flirting with this guy for a good 45 minutes, and then walked away thinking about whether or not I would go out with him for maybe another half an hour before I suddenly remembered that ABF even existed. That's weird, right?
So then I checked my skype messages and he had sent me a bunch of "I love you's" and a message to say he paid me some more money into my bank account today (which he had). Talk about guilt; I felt awful.
So I don't know what to feel about any of that. Or what tools to apply or what the "next right thing" is.
And no, I don't really have a point, i'm just rambling and also enjoying typing on my souped up new computing beast.
Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 13th of July 2015 01:09:12 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ms.M. Love that you balanced the books so well that you weree able to splurge on yourself and get that snazzy computer you have been dreaming of." Flirting" with the salesman and thinking about him afterwards was an added bonus --good job.
The courage to change , and to "let go" is difficult and is a process. I am so pleased to see that you are moving forward and know that when the time is right you will make a healthy decision for yourself and the relationship
Thanks for sharing, and I am so happy to hear of your successful saving and July Christmas!
I had a lot of fun over the weekend at antique shops and thrift stores myself. I absolutely LOVE finding little treasures (2 pair of new- tags on work pants for $12 at the thrift shop, and $1 at the antique store for a round cookie cutter with a wood handle - an upgrade for biscuit making from the metal canning funnel taken from my grandmother's house that I usually use)
I think that it is ok for you to have connected with a guy at the store - and I think it is ok to take your own sweet time deciding what to do about it. And, as some members in my face to face group like to remind me, deciding to do nothing is a decision, too.
I think that you are a great person who is deserving of a positive and loving relationship. And, I think it is ok to not have all the answers. When the time is right, you will have your answers.
((hugs))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Kudos, kudos, kudos! Not only did you have a plan to save, you deployed it and planned for a smexy computer!!! Good for you and so happy that it all came together for you.
As far as the flirtation, date request and the A, well - I got nothing! LOL....truly in times of relationship confusion, I have no choice but to turn it all over and pray. I've decided my best thoughts on relationships got me where I am, so for today, I just trust my HP to lead me.
What a fun post - thanks so much for sharing. One day at a time my friend and it will all be perfectly fine!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like the phrase, when in doubt, do nothing - you can enjoy the flirtation without guilt, you didn't cheat on anybody. I can also say that I understand the love you have for ABF - that was the hardest thing to turn my back on, my love for my ex. Here I set four years divorced from him but if he came to me and said he'd been going to AA and turned things around, I know that I would give him the chance but I would have to see the change - not just listen to him tell me he'd changed.
I love that you are taking care of yourself in the form of getting your bills paid ahead - great plan! And your story of the ABF always being in dire need for the funds you had saved - boy that's familiar! His tale would be so plainly needy that I couldn't deny his need if I loved him. I too have returned to financial solvency now that no one is sucking every available cent out of me.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I.LOVE. It!!!!! Never mind guilt. Life is for living, and last time I checked, a date isn't an engagement ring. Its a way to feel feminine, and exercise social skills, possibly even intellect(!!) cos the above one knows its not like we get that from alcoholics. Go for it. I'm sitting here in Sydney chained (admittedly happily) to these hundred and 12 children waving my cheer flag for you! Awesome about the savings, financial abuse is a thing, and I'm glad and inspired that its not part of your life now. Xxx
It's not weird Mel. Alcoholics suffer. Alcoholics suffer through live...they suffer through everything as a big hassle. They drag their partners into that life of suffering through everything too. Well, now you are embracing life and have more of a grateful mindset. In essence, you have chosen to live rather than be on the same course of self-sabotage and slowly dying that your ABF is on. So, what I'm saying is that it's natural for you to want to gravitate towards more positive people now who embrace life rather than suffer through it.
First no quilt because he is paying back money he owes you. Second all the " I love you's " in the world will not bring back your ABF to what you want him to be until HE changes. Maybe it's time for that talk with ABF that your finding better out there in this great new life your experiencing and your making the changes to take hold and run with it.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks all. Yesterday really drove home for me how different things are now. Being in control of my own money, not fearing what I buy will be taken or destroyed, and trusting my own judgement re what I need, can afford and will be happy with. It's a strange world I inhabit now after being completely and utterly controlled by my desperate need to have a permanent place in the cruel, bleak world that my A resides in. Simple stuff, like putting the rubbish out and not feeling angry because it's meant to be his ONLY JOB, cooking a big pot of soup tonight and putting it in the fridge for tomorrow night knowing it will still be there tomorrow, and not half eaten and left on the floor somewhere, throwing my car-keys on the table when I get home and not hiding them in my shoes, having a bottle of red wine in the pantry for when I cook spaghetti sauce that is there the next time I want it, cleaning my house without rage and resentment because it's my mess and when I clean it, it stays cleaned...the list is endless. I've passed more units of study already this year than in any of the years that I lived with A because when he was near, he was my ONLY focus. I'm sitting here tonight, rugged up warm in my new electric throw rug, (they are much cheaper to run than a heater, donchano), tapping away on my new computer; I've just submitted an assignment, sent off an application for a small part time job, life is good. I'll choose when to go to bed and most likely sleep until the sun comes up. Unless Michael Douglas decides to vomit in my bed again as he kindly did last night, bless him....
Yet when HE was here last week it all changed so fast; he was whiny, picky, belligerant and all I wanted was for him to be happy and enjoy our little bit of time together, so it was straight back to my old role of pleading, reasoning, false smiles and finally tears. NOTHING has changed when we are together. I have changed, yes, but he of course is just waiting until I "get over it" so that it can all go back to how it was. As he says, "it doesn't matter that we were always fighting, I always felt safe and happy knowing you were in the house". But I didn't feel safe or happy, A....
One thing I remember learning early on in al-anon is that I have to choose from the menu and not keep waiting for an option that is exactly what I think I want. So on the menu is...this...where we see each other for a day or 2 every couple of months, he uses that time to get drunk and behave badly (it's almost like staying here instead of at his brothers is his "day release") and, he complains frequently about how unfair it is that we can't live together, whilst proving to me each time I see him that it's not safe to live with him.
He claims he only moved to his brothers "so he would be close and when I was ready we could live together again". This is total crap as I told him very clearly there was no way we would live together again in the forseeable future. But I see the new story unfolding, and it is one where he so wants to live with me again but his 'life is on hold waiting for me to get over it" and eventually when I don't take him back into my home he will "have his heart broken" and go on a drinking rampage with full impunity and sympathy from his loving family. Hows THAT for taking his inventory and projecting like a maniac all in one breath? Yet it's pretty obvious to me that I am still very much a pawn in his game of avoid, drink and blame. I'm not at all convinced that this isn't just exactly as he wants it. I know that his brother recently renewed his lease and A signed as well; it seems to be working out very well for them there and he and A play computer games at night and are kicking around businesses to start together; they are enjoying living together and I think that's pretty fantastic. His brother is one of the nicest men I have ever met. But in terms of our "pseudo relationship", well, this could potentially continue on like this for a very long time. And maybe yes, I'm starting to need more; contact with positive people, fun, and grown up stuff... I still can't have any of that with him; it's still not on the menu.
The second option on the menu is to live with him again and watch myself wither and die, as I cling to a few good memories of the few good days we had throughout our miserable decade together and try deperately to recreate them, dressing up something long dead like some kind of addict-loving Norman Bates.
Sigh and yet I do still crave those few good moments. All of that delicious intensity. I miss him. I wish....
Anyway, I'm babbling again, sorry folks!
I just feel like I am ready for more. And when other adults express interest in me it is almost bewildering because I have lived such a very long time believing that I could never love anyone but A, and that no-one else could ever want me. Honestly it's as if I have been in a coma for the last decade.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 14th of July 2015 11:09:47 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
it took a while to get around to understanding that I deserve more than the meager scraps I was getting from my ex. Looking forward the list of must haves as far as men go gets longer because I realize I do not want to settle for scraps from anybody - I'd rather be happy alone. Someday someone will come into my life and he will be worth the wait. If not I get to have cake my way - how can I lose?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I just feel like I am ready for more. And when other adults express interest in me it is almost bewildering because I have lived such a very long time believing that I could never love anyone but A, and that no-one else could ever want me. Honestly it's as if I have been in a coma for the last decade.
Love your entire reflection but the last sentence (above ) really spoke to me
First and most important. I love the way you are processing your decision about loving and living with. Secondly I do believe that living with the disease of alcoholism, trying to cope with the insanity on a daily basis we do enter into somewhat of a coma .
We go on automatic, become other directed, without any needs of our own and invisible. That sounds like a coma to me.
I always say that I was in a "Spiritual" coma before program and then by working the Steps I did have a "spiritual awakening" but must continue to work the program or I will go back into my coma,
Simply changing environment, has enabled you to begin to see yourself and begin to appreciate the wonderful person that you are. Deep down, there is work to do. That's why asset and gratitude lists are so powerful.
You are a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, creative woman and any person would be fortunate to have you as partner.
read that daily add a few more to list. Keep coming back as well. ,
Wow! I remember feeling guilty over the idea of moving on, because even after our divorce I was scared to fully let go of my AH. Thank God I did and realized I deserved to be treated with love and support. What do you want for your daughter in a future spouse and yes you deserve that as well, not the abuse or dysfunction of old. It took this caterpillar a long time to fully enter the crystalis phase and become the butterfly my sponsor knew I could be. But I did it when I was ready and I can tell you I am worth it and so are you! It is so scary to let go of the old miserable comforts of old and hope for new wonderful things never experienced, but it really is out there all you have dreamed and more! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."